Bad Idea Jeans, Part 3

An email from the DVD Queen confirms that the dumb continues:

"You may be amused to find out that [Misguided] had an appointment with a dietician yesterday morning and didn't come in until 9.45. She walked in after lunch today with a plastic bag containing a bottle of coke, a packet of chips, two bags of lollies and a chocolate bar and has been eating her way through everything since she got back. I think we need her dietician!"

Sigh.

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A link here and there

I'm too sleep deprived and incoherent to write anything particularly interesting or witty. But luckily for you, gentle readers (hee! "Readers". I crack me up), I found some people who did:

I read this, which I can really relate to (her other stuff is also the funny), and then I read this, which cracked me up even more.

So, what the hell are you still doing here?

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NCIS: The Immortals

We open on a lovely ocean setting, complete with luxury boat. Unfortunately, we soon arrive at the boat and meet the moronic pre-credits goons. Two couples are drinking beer and are either listening to reggae, or the Dramatic Strings are just resting up. They toast and collapse onto some couches. One drunken obnoxious idiot wants to go diving. The other guy is worried about sharks. The drunken, obnoxious guy, aka Brad, scoffs that sharks eat seals, not this "hard body". Brad, honey. You're not hot. At all. So shut up. He grabs a snorkel and dives, while I futilely pray for Jaws to show up. I am, as always, cruelly disappointed, so I settle for sullenly glaring and wondering how the hell Brad is staying underwater so long on one breath. I slap myself for asking stupid questions while watching TV, just as Brad discovers a guy in a Navy uniform at the bottom of the reef, held down by weights chained to his waist. We take in the weights and his pretty gold sword as Brad scoots for surface, unfortunately not managing to drown on the way.

Credits. Boogie!

We open in the squad room, on a close up of the drowned sailor's service record and Kate's chest. No comment. Gibbs notes that the body was in the water for less than 24 hours, and that "NAS Key West tagged and bagged and shipped it over." Tony wonders if they have an ID, and given that we just saw his service record, I'd say we do, Tony. Gibbs ignores me for some exposition, telling everyone that the Navy guy's name is "Seaman Russell MacDonald. Nineteen. Assigned to the USS Foster." Kate proudly identifies the ship as a "Destroyer. Spruance class." Tony and Gibbs exclaim over her knowledge. Kate smirks slightly (and, for some reason, she is smirking at something somewhere above Gibbs' head) as Gibbs continues that the "USS Foster left Roosevelt Roads Naval Station two days ago en route to Norfolk." He approaches the plasma, which shows a map of the coastline. Gibbs points out the Foster's current position, and notes that the body was found in the Bahamas. Mmm, the Bahamas. I wish I was there right now, instead of going back to work tomorrow. Sniff. At least they got rid of that serial killer they had lurking about the place. Anyway, Tony is excited. "Roosevelt Roads?" he drools. "Yeah," says Gibbs, instantly aware Tony is about to drivel and fixing him with a glare. Heh. "That's Puerto Rico," Tony husks lustfully. "Yeah," says Gibbs again, flatly. He's still glaring. Kate looks anxiously from Gibbs to Tony. "I love Puerto Rico," Tony continues hopefully. "I'm glad," says Gibbs, still pretending not to know where Tony is going with this. Tony continues, somewhat desperately, that Gibbs doesn't understand. "I love Puerto Rico!" he says again, all but dancing on the spot. Kate wonders idly if he's been there a lot. Tony exclaims that that's just it; he's never been there. Gibbs rolls his eyes as Tony prattles on about how he's wanted to go ever since he was a kid. He trails off and apologises once he catches Gibbs' expression. Heh. Gibbs gets back on topic: "Some time night before last, Seaman MacDonald went overboard." Kate wonders if anyone saw or heard anything. Nope, says Gibbs. No-one knew he was even missing until he didn't report for duty. Hmmm. Think that will be important later? Kate wonders if there was anything in his medical file, and Gibbs tells her they'll get those details when they get onboard the Foster. Tony wonders if there was anything else unusual.

Morgue. We pan down Seaman MacDonald's body, where he is still dressed in his dress whites, with sword and chains still attached. From off-screen, Ducky tells the team that this is exactly how he was found. Tony wonders why he was in dress whites. Gibbs says they don't know, there were no formal events scheduled. Kate wonders about his sword, nudge nudge. "Officer's ceremonial," Gibbs tells her. Tony notes that MacDonald was enlisted. Gibbs agrees that it doesn't make any sense. Ducky pulls the sword from its sheath (snicker. Because I am five) with a flourish and waves the sword at Kate, while intoning dramatically that the sword is sharp enough to slit someone's throat. I thought that was the whole point of swords, but nobody asked me. Kate smiles indulgently at Ducky as he continues, asking Kate if she knows why they drive on the left-hand side of the road in England. Kate looks at Gibbs and Tony all, the hell? They give her amused looks as she turns back to Ducky. "Dates back to medieval times," Ducky goes on. "Most people were, and still are, right-handed," he says, tapping his own right hand, which holds the sword. "It allowed them to slash at one another," he says, stepping back and away from her, "when passing on horseback," he finishes, slashing at the air ferociously. Hee. Tony shoots Gibbs an amused look, as Ducky asks them if they know why this isn't true about the rest of Europe while resheathing the sword. Unfortunately, Kate is more interested in why MacDonald was wearing a chain around his waist, so he doesn’t tell us. Ducky reveals the two 25 pound weights which had been attached to the chains. Ducky cannot say, however, whether MacDonald attached them himself or if someone else did it. Ducky then announces that he will now "get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes." "You're not gonna say 'And into a dry martini' are you?" Tony asks. Heh. No, laughs Ducky, "we'll save that for later, for me, I'm afraid." We get a corpse cam shot of Ducky smiling, as the rest of the gang head out.

Gibbs tells Tony that MacDonald lived locally, and that his address is in the file. Tony grimaces, but Gibbs reassures him that he doesn't have to worry about the notification, as CACO (who?) has already taken care of that. Tony wonders why him, as "a woman", meaning Kate, would be more sympathetic. Kate glares as Gibbs says that Kate is going with him. Kate suggests that Tony can handle it by himself, as they step into the elevator, and Gibbs basically tells them both to shut the hell up and get on with it.

Street. We have another overhead shot, this time of Tony and Kate pulling up at MacDonald's house. The Dramatic Strings kick in, all melancholy, as Tony bitches that he hates this. Kate worriedly asks if it's going to be that bad, as Tony throws an apprehensive look at the house. Tony tells her she has no idea, and Kate agrees that she doesn't, and heads towards the front door. Tony grimaces and manages to look like he has gas. He pauses and leans on a tree. Kate tells him, not unkindly, to take a breath, and to think of Puerto Rico. That does the magic for our drama queen, and he sucks it up and follows Kate to the house.

MacDonald's house. Inside, Tony examines a sword mounted over the fireplace, as Kate speaks to Mrs MacDonald and the Dramatic Strings play softly throughout the scene, telling us to feel sad. She notes that MacDonald didn't have a lot of friends on the Foster. Mrs MacDonald, clearly a poor, deluded woman as far as her son is concerned, denies this. "Oh, no, he had many friends on the ship. He told me so in his letters." Sigh. We don't see Kate's reaction to this, as Tony's head blocks her out as he asks if the sword on the wall was MacDonald's. Mrs MacDonald says no, it was her Scottish husband's. "He served in the Black Watch regiment." Tony gives her slight smile and a kind look. Aw. Kate says that MacDonald's file says that his father was dead. Mrs MacDonald confirms this, telling them that Mr MacDonald died when MacDonald Jnr was 12. Kate wonders if MacDonald "seem[ed] particularly obsessed with the sword." Mrs MacDonald is confused. Tony quickly jumps in, telling her that a "similar weapon" was found "with the ..." Kate shoots him a warning look. "Near [MacDonald]," he finishes lamely. Kate then asks Mrs MacDonald if MacDonald seemed "down or depressed" in his letters. Mrs MacDonald emphatically denies this, gritting out that "a mother knows things about her son," clearly demonstrating that she is firmly in denial. Poor thing. She continues, firmly, that he would not have killed himself. She turns in profile to the camera and whisper-talks that "It's a mortal sin." Kate and Tony follow her eyes to a statue of the Virgin Mary, as the Dramatic Strings tell us to feel bad for the nice Catholic lady, dammit!

Outside, Kate asks Tony if "these interviews are always that difficult?" Tony guesses so. "You guess?" wonders Kate. Tony says that he's never interviewed a victim's mother before. Kate thought he'd been a Baltimore homicide cop? Yes, Kate, we did actually remember that, but thanks. Tony blithely tells her that he had someone else interview the mother. Kate is outraged. "This was your first?" she howls. Yeah, says Tony. Kate wants to know why, then, Tony thought she wouldn't know how bad it was going to be. "I didn't think you would," Tony duhs. Kate is pissed at his presumption. Tony tells her to "breathe," and Kate glares, and the scene, mercifully comes to an end.

Foster. A chopper is landing on the deck. Don't ask me for any kind of correct military/ship terminology; if it isn't in the captions, I have no idea and am totally guessing. So there. Anyway, we see a shot of (I guess) the Foster turning in the water, then we cut to a walkway on the ship where a Navy guy tells them that the Commander is on a call with "LANT fleet, sir." I have no idea what LANT is. Navy dude continues, telling them that the Commander will catch up with them as soon as he can. Gibbs tells the "Master Chief" that they appreciate it. I know it's probably not appropriate, but the titles sometimes make me giggle. "Master Chief!" "Petty Officer!" Hee. Ahem. Tony asks the Master Chief if he had any contact with MacDonald. Master Chief did not. "[MacDonald] kept pretty much to himself." Gibbs says that that "Seems to be the general consensus," then snides, "or the party line." See? Nobody noticed he was missing? Anyway. We do not see Master Chief's reaction to Gibbs’ jibe, but as they enter the inside of the ship, he tells them that they are to be staying in the XO's quarters, as they are "small, but it's private and secure." Gibbs says that's fine, as Master Chief knocks on a door and we cut to the inside, where the XO is pissily picking up his bags and curtly calls for them to enter. Master Chief introduces "Lieutenant Commander Robbins" to Gibbs. Gibbs starts to thank him for giving up his quarters, but Robbins pissily cuts him off with "Not a problem," indicating quite clearly that it IS a problem, dammit, and stomping out. Master Chief smirks and tells them that "NCIS is always welcome aboard, sir. You can expect excellent cooperation." He clearly means not a word of what he is saying. Gibbs does not rise to the bait, and calmly says they appreciate that. Master Chief continues smarmily that "If you need anything ..." Gibbs cuts him off with "I won't hesitate." Master Chief sarcastically inclines his head slightly and leaves. Kate pretends to wonder why that didn't sound sincere. Gibbs blithely tells her that "You get used to it. They either stonewall or kiss ass. To them, we're the Internal Affairs of the Navy." Kate concludes that they hate "us" then. "No," exclaims Tony sarcastically. After Gibbs tosses him a glare, he amends that to "Pretty much." Gibbs tells the kids to set up the laptop and establish a feed from NCIS, ruffling his hair while doing so, and causing it stick up like a rooster's tail at the back of his head. Heh. Tony is on it. The set up, not Gibbs’ hair. Meanwhile, something has occurred to Kate. "We're not sleeping here, are we? Together?" Tony and Gibbs share a look, Tony clearly biting his tongue. Gibbs finally turns back to Kate and announces that he's taking the couch. Kate looks horrified.

Cut to MacDonald's quarters, where some guys are playing poker. Gibbs enters and greets them. He asks "Petty Officer (hee!) Carnahan" which one is MacDonald's. Carnahan reluctantly shows him, telling Gibbs that MacDonald's bunk is the one below his. Gibbs sarcastically thanks him, and wonders if he knew MacDonald. "Not well," is Carnahan's grudging response. "He pretty much kept to himself," he says, with Gibbs pissily chiming in on the last part. The Dramatic Strings have kicked in during this scene for some reason. It's certainly not dramatic. Shut up, Dramatic Strings. Anyway, Gibbs continues with his questions, wondering, as he flicks the light on over the bunks and begins rummaging through MacDonald's bunk, whether MacDonald liked to listen to music, or read. Carnahan snots that he "really didn't notice." Gibbs notes that Carnahan's bunk is right above MacDonald's, "but you didn't notice?" He pulls an hilarious face while saying that, much like a parent when mocking a surly teen. Heh. Carnahan coldly says that's a private person. Gibbs does not let up, yanking the mattress off MacDonald's bunk and running his hands around the frame. "If you had to venture a wild guess," he presses, "what do you think MacDonald liked to do?" Carnahan has clearly realised that he has to give up some information to get Gibbs off his back. "Spend his life at work," he says coolly. Gibbs rolls his eyes, as if to say, finally! Hee.

We get a voice over of, presumably, MacDonald's supervisor, as we see a computer screen with, um, technical stuff on it. "Computers run the weapons systems, the radar, the sonar. We're the backbone of the ship here, Agent DiNozzo." The camera shot pans out to show us the supervisor as he leads Tony into the room. There are screens and blinking lights, and that's as much commentary on the equipment as I feel qualified to give. "The brightest of the brightest under your command," Tony notes. The supervisor likes to think so. He, too, is just barely restraining the attitude. As Tony follows the supervisor, we cut to a shot of a random guy's face as he eavesdrops on the conversation. He'll probably be important later. I'd also like to note that the Dramatic Strings are absent, perhaps so that we wouldn't pay too much attention in this scene. Oops. Did I just drop an anvil on your head? Sorry about that. The vodka must have affected my motor control, as well as causing me to ramble on endlessly. Where was I? Right. Tony wonders where MacDonald was in the "food chain." Supervisor curtly says that he was good. How good, Tony wants to know. "That depends on what you're comparing him to," snits Supervisor. Tony is less inclined than Gibbs to ignore the bullshit, and snaps, "All right. Compared to you." Supervisor gets pissier. Heh. "I trained at MIT, MacDonald was a year out of high school." Tony, who for some reason has the camera up his nose (hi, Tony's nostril!), shoots back that "The best IT guy in our office is 22. Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 year old nephew." Heh. Supervisor reluctantly allows that MacDonald was "very good." Tony pushes. "How very?". "When he was focused, better than anyone here,” grits Supervisor. "Including you?" Tony asks. Heh. Bitch. Supervisor agrees, and smirks bitterly. "Including me." Tony wonders if MacDonald had been focused lately. Not so much, and not for a long time, says Supervisor. "You think he offed himself [Supervisor]?" Tony asks seriously. Supervisor gives up the attitude somewhat, and allows that it's possible. "He was troubled. There was definitely something bothering him." Tony looks hard at him.

Medical bay. A woman, who appears to be the Medical Officer, is washing her hands. "He was having a hard time adjusting to ship life." See what they did there? "I suggested he get into counselling." The Medical Officer is chatting to Kate, and is much less pissy than the men Tony and Gibbs were chatting to. No comment. Anyway, Kate wonders if MacDonald was receptive to that idea. No, says Medical Officer, he only wanted to talk to her. Kate asks what his "issues" were. Medical Officer doesn't really know, as she wouldn't get into them. "It was obvious that Seaman MacDonald was disturbed, but I wasn't qualified, ma'am." Kate queries further, "But you did talk to him." Yes, but only "as his medical corpsman, not his psychologist." Kate gives her an amusing "come on, sister-girlfriend" look and head-tilt. Heh. Medical Officer relents. "All I know is that he had this mysterious friend. I mean, he was from here, but he wasn't here. It didn't make any sense. But, he seemed obsessed with him." Kate thinks for a second, and asks Medical Officer if she thinks MacDonald could have killed himself. Medical Officer thinks this over. "Off the record," Kate reassures her. Medical Officer is adamant. "Definitely not!"

MacDonald's bunk. Gibbs is still rummaging. He finds a book in MacDonald's pillow. The Dramatic Strings kick in as Gibbs check the book's title, which we don't see, and raises an eyebrow. He turns to where Carnahan is still standing, fidgeting impatiently, behind him; meanwhile Tony's voiceover can be heard all the way from the deck!

"So here's what we know," he recaps for us. "A dead kid wearing dress whites for no reason, with a sword he shouldn't have on, which is not supposed to be sharp, at the bottom of the ocean with weights on." Kate chimes in. "He was a brilliant but troubled computer tech who lived at work and had a mysterious friend." Gibbs sums up. "Okay, so given the circumstances, probably not an accidental death. So, suicide or murder?" The Dramatic Strings are loving the exposition, by the way. Tony says that Supervisor suggests he could have killed himself. Kate rebuts this with the contentions of Mrs MacDonald and the Medical Officer, who say he wouldn't have. I wouldn’t bet on the mother’s recommendation there, Kate. Gibbs chooses this moment to show them the book he found in MacDonald's bunk. We get a close up of the book, which is titled "The Japanese Sword Art of Iaido". Gibbs suggests that he might have been teaching himself to use the sword. From a book? Whatever. Tony's expression is also dubious about how well that would work, and the Dramatic Strings send us to the next scene with a flourish.

Shot of the Foster. Gibbs is on the laptop, chatting to Abby, who tells him they found a few more things on MacDonald's body. Kate and Tony are also there, listening. It turns out that MacDonald was wearing a St Christopher medal. The odd thing, though, is that in his pocket they found a "character charter" for a "fantasy game." Tony wonders what kind of game. "It looks like an MMORPG," says Abby. Tony's all, the who in the what now? "It's a massive multiplayer online role-playing game," Abby clarifies. My husband is all, woo! "They're huge on the internet," Abby continues. Gibbs gives a quick, hilarious headshake. Heh. He wonders what a character charter is. Abby explains that it's "like a character's manifesto. His goals, moral stance, creed." The Dramatic Strings find this far more interesting than I do, but they don't live with someone who spends all of his time playing those goddamn online games. Gibbs scoffs disbelievingly. Believe it, dude. Abby continues that there can be thousands of players on one site alone, and Gibbs snarks that "it's comforting to know that [MacDonald's] computer skills were being put to good use on a $1 billon ship." Kate smiles at this. "He's a computer geek?" smirks Abby knowingly. Heh. Tony tells her that MacDonald worked in the Combat Information Centre. Abby notes that that's a perfect job for a "power gamer". She continues that "he was working on combat, it was just more like the medieval kind." Gibbs wonders if these games are violent, and Abby explains about what goes on, but I don't care, because I've heard enough about these games already. Gibbs wonders what they should look for on his hard drive. Abby says that if he's any good, they won't find anything. Kate suggests that they look in cyberspace. All righty, then. They decide that they should check the servers of the gaming sites, and Abby says she'll give it a shot. Then she tells them that there were nicks on the sword. Tony wonders if they were caused by another sword. "Two sailors playing with sharp swords," says Gibbs. Kinky! Kate gets the hint. "Once in a while, you might miss. I'm on it." She heads off. There's some guff about Gibbs getting the MMORPG acronym wrong, and Tony corrects him, and Gibbs glares, and I am bored. Gibbs decides to chat to Ducky.

Tony exclaims in disgust as morgue-cam comes up on the laptop, showing Ducky mid autopsy. I'm exclaiming in disgust because the dude assisting Ducky is NOT Gerald. Boo! Ducky apologises for the gross out, and starts blathering about a woman who swallowed a small piece of jewellery, but is cut off by Gibbs. Ducky lists his findings, which all confirm "classic death by drowning." Apparently there was also a "slight haemorrhaging of the inner ear," caused by the change in pressure as he headed for the sea floor. And yet, a dickhead in a snorkel was able to find him? Whatever. More vodka! Ducky has also found dirt under MacDonald's nails, from when "his fingers grabbed whatever he was touching when he succumbed." Ducky continues that it's likely the dirt will be found to have come from the ocean floor. Ducky concludes that MacDonald was alive when he went overboard. Gibbs looks thoughtful.

Somewhere ... else, a smug officer type is describing his, um, sword to Tony: "Stainless steel blade, acid-edged and hand polished." He slowly unsheathes his sword for Tony's benefit. Heh. He's totally flirting here, and Tony's slightly disturbed expression is not convincing me otherwise. HoYay! Smug Officer Type Who Is In Love With Tony continues, "The fittings, guard and pommel are 24 carat gold plated." SOTWIILWT leers at Tony and tells him that "As late as the 1800s, a sword like this would have been used to defend against an enemy trying to board a ship." He wriggles his eyebrows at Tony and continues seductively, "Only the blade would have been sharp enough to take a man's limb off." Tony says nothing. SOTWIILWT continues flirting. "I always liked pirate movies. Didn't you?" Aw, he's checking to see what kind of movie to ask Tony to! Tony is not receptive. "Not really," says Tony, clearly creeped out by the flirting. Hee. SOTWIILWT tries another tack: "Of course, today it wouldn't stand much of a chance against a 9-mill, H and K MP5 Parabellum, would it?" Tony guesses that he likes gun movies, too. SOTWIILWT decides to go for it. "I like all weapons, sir." If you know what he means, and I think you do. Tony cruelly toys with him. "I can really appreciate that, Ensign.” He gets back to business, wondering if “all the officers' ceremonial swords accounted for?" SOTWIILWT is eager to please, and says that he "checked with 32 officers, found 32 swords." Okay, I'm not going to make up any gay subtext on that one. Except: tramp. Anyway, the poor, besotted guy tries once more to seduce Tony with, "including my beauty." Tony sternly tells SOTWILLWT that they will need to take a look at all of them, his tone making it clear that he means the swords, not, you know, swords. Ahem. SOTWIILT is disappointed. "Yes sir," he replies, crestfallen. Tony then asks where SOTWIILT thinks MacDonald could have gotten the sword. SOTWILLT says that it would have had to have been the Base Exchange. Tony looks at him curiously. "Roosevelt Roads Naval Station?" Yep, that's the one. SOTWIILWT explains that if the clerk didn't check IDs, MacDonald could have bought one as a souvenir, but notes that he'd have to hide it onboard. Tony, looking thoughtful, wonders why. SOTWIILT flicks back to "smug", scoffing that it would be insane to allow enlisted men to carry weapons on board. Tony is all, whatever, dicksmack and, off-screen, rushes out to file a restraining order.

Somewhere else, again, some more, Gibbs is chatting with the Skipper. The Skipper is also being helpful, but thankfully is not flirting. The Skipper tells Gibbs that he didn't know MacDonald very well, and Gibbs notes ruefully that no-one seemed to. The Skipper says that MacDonald did some maintenance work on his computer last week, and seemed to be "in a bit of a daze." He continues that they drug tested him, but he was clean. Gibbs confirms that their toxicology tests were negative as well. The Skipper wonders about the fact that he was wearing the dress whites and the sword. Gibbs isn't sure, "but we think he was involved in an online fantasy game." "Like an MMORPG?" asks the Skipper. Off Gibbs' surprised look (heh), the Skipper says that his kids play. "A lot," he says with some exasperation. Hee. I hear you, dude. Gibbs says they think he might have taken it "a step further and staged real fights with someone on board." The Skipper is surprised, and wonders how that would be possible. Gibbs suggests that the Skipper knows this ship inside out, and the Skipper confirms that he does. Gibbs asks where he would go to conduct a sword fight without getting caught. The Skipper thinks for a moment. "Damage Control, in the Machine Shop, at night."

Lab. Abby is banging away at her keyboard, and we see a shot the game Abby is playing. Her character appears to be some kind of elf. Abby exclaims in frustration about some "King's guards" as Ducky wanders past. He pauses and enters the lab. Abby blathers at the screen as she fights, and exclaims in triumph when she wins. She yammers about her progress to Ducky, who looks about as interested as I do when my husband does the same. He tries to come up with a related story, but can't some up with anything. Heh. Ducky flees the lab to find something more interesting to do.

The Foster, medical bay. Medical Officer is telling Kate that the night MacDonald died there were three injuries, but none were sword related. Kate asks for files relating to other "questionable lacerations" for the past few months. Medical Officer agrees but will need a couple of hours. Kate is pleased. She turns to go, but stops to ask about "MacDonald's mystery friend." She asks Medical Officer if MacDonald mentioned being afraid of him. Medical Officer says MacDonald only mentioned the guy once, but that MacDonald was more in awe of him than anything else. Kate is all, hmmm.

Lab. Abby is still playing. The Dramatic Strings reappear. We see her elf walking down a hallway. The husband would like you to know that the keyboard bashing sounds we hear are lame, as you would not be doing that just walking. I still don't care, but if I’m to escape a beating for pissing about his gaming, I’ll throw that in. Anyway, Ducky has returned with a Caf-Pow for Abby. She smiles and says he's a prince. Game blather. It's not important, except that the game is called "The Immortals". Ducky is still not really interested in the game. Abby does reveal that if she gets into the keep, she can open a character log. She gets killed by an orc. She has to infiltrate the castle again. I have to get more vodka.

The Foster, somewhere on deck. Tony catches up to Gibbs and tells him that the sword had to have come from Roosevelt Roads, and that if he fought with someone, that someone probably got their sword there, too. Gibbs' phone rings, and it's Abby, plus the Dramatic Strings. She's gotten access the game log. She says that MacDonald played a character called Weylin, and that his opponent was called Kinvaras. Their main mode of combat was sword fighting. The Dramatic strings swirl to a crescendo as Abby announces that Kinvaras also logged on from the Foster. Dun dun dun!

The Foster, somewhere else on deck. Gibbs shakes his head ruefully, wondering "Who would have thought that Pong would turn into online role-playing games." Tony does not know what Pong is. The guys then proceed to recap the information we just heard. They wonder what the odds are. Gibbs wonders why they use such weird names. Heh. Tony snarks about computer geeks. I'm breaking all my fingers to refrain from cracking the kind of jokes that will lead to my husband requesting a divorce.

They guys head back inside the ship, pedeconferencing through the cramped corridors. Gibbs exposits that since MacDonald bought a sword and was teaching himself how to use it, he must have found whoever else was playing the Immortals onboard and decided to "take it to the next level: Reality." Tony reminds him that they must have bought the swords at Roosevelt Roads. You know. In Puerto Rico. Tony offers to hop a helicopter, buy a sword undercover, bust the clerk and find out who bought the swords! He could be there and back in 24 hours! Gibbs eyerolls. "Six," he says firmly. "Twelve?" pleads Tony, futilely attempting to bargain. Gibbs tells him it's not a negotiation. Heh. Tony will take six, and smiles and dashes off, almost breaking his neck falling over a knee knocker. Gibbs smiles slightly and shakes his head at the bonehead he hired. Hee.

Cut to a shot of a helicopter taking off from the deck, as the Dramatic Strings get all excited that they're off to Puerto Rico! Whee!

Lab. Abby has found a list of gamers' personal websites and finds "The Immortal Tales of Weylin." She clicks in, accompanied by the Dramatic Strings. There is a general description of the character, together with a list of such things as History, Family Tree, Kills, etc. There is also a link to "Weylin's Diary", which requires a password. Abby curses and sets her "Codebreaker 7.8" to hack it. The husband gets pissy again at the lack of realism, and I tell him to drink some more. Abby mutters that this is going to take a while, and settles in for the duration.

Puerto Rico! As the helicopter lands, the Dramatic Strings are replaced with Latin music. The chopper lands and we cut to the Base Exchange, where Tony is kitted out in a Petty Officer's uniform with his hair slicked back. He is preening and trying on sunglasses. He flirts with the sales clerk and cheesily says he'll take them. Sales Clerk coyly wonders if he wants anything else, if you know what she means, and I think you do. Wow. Tony's getting a lot of play this episode. Anyway, he asks for a Naval Officer's sword. Sales Clerk tells him he can't have one. He tells her that some of his friends says they got one from there before, and protests that it's not like it's drugs or anything. Sales Clerk tells him them's the rules, and to take it up with the Navy if he has a problem. He offers to pay extra, showing her a wad of bills, and cajoles her, telling her he just wants a souvenir to take home. She caves, offering to let him have one for $600. He protests that they retail for $400. She counters that she could lose her job. Tony tries for $500 and she mutters in Spanish and stomps to the other side of the counter to fold some t-shirts. Tony scampers around and agrees to $600. She stuffs the money in her bra, and Tony reveals that he is an NCIS agent. Sales Clerk freaks, hurling various items at Tony and yelling in Spanish. I don't speak Spanish, but I think she was saying something about a curse. Tony laughingly attempts to calm her down, telling her he only wants some information. He does seem to have had plenty of practice with irate women hurling things at his head. Heh.

Foster, presumably in the Machine Shop. Gibbs examines some metal posts and notes they have marks on them. He puts little measuring tabs on them and photographs them, as they imagine a sword striking the post. Kate turns and checks out a nearby post, finding similar marks. She notes that they are two sword lengths apart. "MacDonald and Kinvaras were starting to take their game very seriously," she says thoughtfully. Gibbs warns her that they don't know that yet. Kate says that she checked all the officers' swords and "there wasn't a scratch on any of them." Gibbs reminds her that Abby has not confirmed that the metal in MacDonald's nicked sword came from another sword. Kate wonders why he sent Tony to Puerto Rico, then. Gibbs snits that "it's called being thorough. Hunches do not hold up in court." Kate protests that it's not a hunch, as two people said that MacDonald wouldn't have killed himself. Gibbs wonders why she is so adamant on that score. She insists that it makes sense. "He's Catholic," she says emphatically, as if that makes a difference. "And so are you," replies Gibbs, clearly thinking she's personalising it. Kate protests, saying that Catholics don't commit suicide, it's a cultural thing and blah. Whatever, Kate. This (lapsed) Catholic isn’t buying what you're selling. Gibbs doesn't seem to be buying it either, but he refrains from further comment. Fortunately Tony calls to put an end to this blather.

Tony is at a bar on a beach, sipping a cocktail of some sort. Mmm, cocktails. Anyway, in between leering at the various bikini babes around him, Tony offers to fill Gibbs in on what he found. Gibbs decides to go up top due to the reception, leaving Kate alone to visualise two guys fighting, swords clashing, and to brood upon possibly suicidal Catholics. The Dramatic Strings are getting fiesty, but maybe they just want a cocktail, too.

Meanwhile, down at the beach, Tony confirms that the Base Exchange was selling swords to naughty enlisted men. They confirmed selling to MacDonald, and as Tony heads away from the bar down to the actual beach, he tells Gibbs that they sold three others, and he's got descriptions. Gibbs, from the deck of the Foster, wonders where Tony is. Tony says he's waiting for his chopper ride, and it will be a couple more hours. A waitress approaches Tony with another cocktail as the music kicks in louder. Gibbs snarls, and Tony brightly tells him to relax, and assures him that he's a professional, while sipping his drink. Meanwhile, he's leering at the topless girls sunbathing. He gazes over the top of his sunglasses and smacks his lips appreciatively. Hee.

Cut to the XO's quarters. Gibbs and Kate are going through files, comparing them to the descriptions Tony sent them. Kate wonders how many people are on the boat. "This ship has 323 enlisted, 32 officers. You're lucky this isn't an aircraft carrier." They continue flipping through files, until Kate goes "hmmmm." Apparently Petty Officer Ronald Zuger "cut his arm on a plate glass window last month. Only there were no glass shards in the wound." He matches the description, and guess where he works?

Surprise! We're off to the Combat Information Centre, where the eavesdropping guy from earlier is playing the Immortals, while being watched by an admiring coworker. Admiring Coworker quickly skeddadles as Gibbs sneaks up on them and compliments Zuger's swordsmanship. Zuger quickly brings up his screensaver. Heh. It sucks being busted fucking around at work. Anyway, Gibbs smirks at him and wonders, "Killed anyone else lately?" Nice.

We cut to some sort of lunchroom that Gibbs is using for interrogation. Zuger protests that "virtual homicide" is not illegal. Gibbs assures him that he's not under arrest. Zuger snottily wonders why he's there, then. Gibbs drawls, "Well, for starters, there's a little matter of misappropriation of government property." Zuger protests that everyone in CIC plays online. Gibbs shoots back that "they don't give you guys top-notch equipment so you can have a better gaming experience." Heh. Zuger is unrepentant. "They wouldn't have top-notch equipment if it weren't for guys like me." Oh, get over yourself. Gibbs agrees, and needles him with "Guys like you and Seaman MacDonald?" Zuger grinds his teeth. Gibbs is falsely amicable: "Okay. What came first, the online chicken or the CIC egg?" Hee. Zuger smirks a little and says he didn't know MacDonald (ie Weylin) was onboard for a long time. Gibbs says it must have been quite a shock. Zuger says that they "had a pretty good laugh over it." Gibbs drops the friendly act and grimly states "He's not laughing now. [Ominous pause] Is he?"

Lab. Abby's computer beeps, indicating the password has been cracked. Abby opens Weylin's Diary as the Dramatic Strings cue up again and is dismayed to see how much of it there is. She reaches for the phone. Kate answers. Abby wonders why Gibbs isn't answering his phone. Kate says that he's "having a talk with Kinvaras." Abby warns that if he's "as whacked out as his rival, tell Gibbs to watch his neck." Not commenting. Backing away slowly! Ahem. Anyway, Kate realises this means that Abby has cracked MacDonald's diary. Abby confirms, bitching that "this guy had diarrhoea of the keyboard." Ha! Kate offers to go through it instead. Abby is way stocked.

Gibbs continues his interrogation, as the Dramatic Strings shut the hell up. He notes that MacDonald viewed Zuger as an "authority figure." Zuger retorts that he outranked MacDonald. Gibbs says that's not what he meant. Zuger exclaims that he didn't kill MacDonald. Gibbs tries a different tack. "Okay. Have you ever killed him?" He gets up to do his little "wander around and behind the suspect" thing he likes to do during interrogations. "In the game," he adds. "Sure," says Zuger blithely, "Kinvaras has beheaded Weylin lots of times." Gibbs smirks and plays on Zuger's ego. "You were better than him." Hells yeah, says Zuger. He snorts derisively. "Pissed him off." Gibbs wondered if that's when they decided to fight for real. Zuger foolishly smarms that he never said they did. On cue, Gibbs summons Tony, who has found Zuger's sword and the Dramatic Strings. Zuger looks like he's going to wet himself. Tony assures him that it won't take long to match up the metals. Zuger protests that it was MacDonald's idea. "I thought it was kinda cool at the time!" says Zuger, like, yeah! Everyone else was doing it! Sheesh. Gibbs snides at him "Until you got cut." Zuger reluctantly agrees. Gibbs gets in Zuger's face and asks if that scared him. Zuger, clearly scared shitless, attempts to bluesteel: "Kinvaras is never frightened. And I've never quite known what Weylin was thinking." Gibbs asks where he was when MacDonald went over. Zuger says he was helping a friend with a computer problem most of the night. "Big problem," notes Gibbs. "Huge, sir." replies Zuger.

Cut to the XO's quarters, where Weylin's Diary is being printed. We have a MacDonald voiceover, which I'll skip transcribing. Basically, he's a paranoid nutbar. Kate, who is reading this, looks worried, as are the Dramatic Strings. Scene!

Foster. Gibbs is questioning our old friend, Petty Officer Carnahan. It turns out that Zuger's alibi is holding up - he was erasing a heaping bunch of porn from Carnahan's computer. Heh. Carnahan somewhat shamefacedly admits to Gibbs that he's "got a lot of free time on [his] hands." Uh, so to speak. Gibbs looks slightly amused by this.

Morgue. Ducky is videoconferencing with the gang, and confirms that the dirt from MacDonald's hands was from the sea floor. There was no sign of a struggle. Ducky notes that, from what Abby found in his online diary, "the afterlife could be a vast improvement for a young man so troubled." Ducky starts to blather about a book he wants to send Gibbs, so Gibbs hangs up on him. Heh. Tony says it "sure looks like a suicide" to him. Kate is still in disagreement, but this time it's not about religion. She says that there's no hint of a plan to kill himself in his diaries, in fact it's "just the opposite." Kate now has Gibbs' attention. "MacDonald seems resolved to continue his battle with Kinvaras after he leaves the ship," Kate says. "So, why would a man so intent on his mission no matter how deranged, off himself and end it?" Gibbs wants to know what else is in the diary. Kate is on the last entry now, and sits down to continue her reading. Gibbs turns to Tony and asks for Zuger's records. Tony gets on the phone and is put on hold. There's a bit of guff about presents Tony bought in Puerto Rico that is intended only to set up the "joke" at the end of the episode, so I'll pay it no mind just now.

Meanwhile, Kate has found something interesting. "MacDonald says that after he makes his escape he'll destroy his enemies by releasing a great plague against the realm as the sun sets beneath the next full moon." Gibbs dives on MacDonald's file as Tony announces Zuger's file is on the way and the Dramatic Strings reappear. Apparently "MacDonald had applied for the NBC programme," says Gibbs. Off Kate's quizzical look, Tony explains "Nuclear, biological and chemical weapons." "Passed the physical, flunked the psych," notes Gibbs. Tony wonders what the realm is supposed to be. Kate thinks it's the Foster. "MacDonald was convinced that the crew was aiding his enemy." Gibbs declares that MacDonald is going to set off a "bio bomb" on the ship. The Dramatic Strings know that the end is nigh as Gibbs moans, "Tell me it's not a full moon tonight." Heh. Duh, Gibbs. Gibbs wants to know when the sun sets. In about an hour, says Kate. Gibbs orders Tony to get Zuger in front of his computer to see if he can find anything about MacDonald or a bio weapon. Gibbs notes that Navy ships don't carry biological weapons, and tells Kate to check with Homeland Security to see if there's anything unaccounted for in the region. Kate pounces on phone.

Gibbs tracks down the Skipper in a staff meeting. He barges in and convinces him that a bomb is about to go off. The Skipper says to sound "general quarters." Mayhem!

Horns and PA systems and chaos, oh my! As sailors scurry all over the place, Tony drags Zuger to CIC. Zuger wants to know what the hell is going on. Tony urgently asks him if MacDonald ever mentioned "delivering a virus aboard the Foster?" Why the thought of a computer virus hasn't occurred to anyone, I have no idea, especially since it would occur to a computer geek far more readily than a bio weapon, I would think. Anyway, Zuger protests that he doesn't think so, as we see various sailors scurrying and putting on gas masks.

CIC. Tony orders Zuger onto his site to find anything he can.

Corridor. Kate reports that no known material is missing, but they'll continue to check. Gibbs tells her to keep checking.

Scurrying, searching, mayhem.

CIC. Zuger has logged on to his site, but then the screen goes black, followed by some gobbledygook and a computerised voice says "Die, Kinvaras! Die!" I love that he added a "mwhahahahaha" for good measure. Hee! Zuger freaks. He tries another monitor, but no good. MacDonald has hacked his account, and all of the information is gone. Gibbs appears to put a boot up Zuger: "You listen to me very closely. There's a good chance that a bio bomb is going off on this ship by sunset. Right now, you're the best shot we've got to find it. You give me answers, or I will make sure you're the last one in line on the evac." Heh. Zuger is terrified. Gibbs continues, "Did MacDonald even hint, in any way, of taking out this crew?" Zuger says no, so Gibbs turns to Kate, telling her to go over MacDonald's diary again. He turns back to Zuger, snarling that he wants to know "every detail that happened between you and MacDonald."

Shot of the Foster as the sun slowly sets. The Dramatic Strings are having a whale of a time.

Command Central. I think. A Navy dude informs the Skipper of arrangements that have been made as the Skipper anxiously checks his watch. Scurrying. Helicopters.

CIC. Kate is going over the diary. Tony and Gibbs read over her shoulder.

Sailors. Searching. Scurrying. Torches. Dramatic Strings!

Foster. The sun is setting, some more.

CIC. Gibbs applies the screws to Zuger, telling him they've only got 20 minutes left. Zuger says nothing. Gibbs slams him up against the desk, yelling "Do you want the crew of this ship to die?" Zuger spills. MacDonald was crazy and thought he really was immortal. Gibbs says that MacDonald thought Zuger really was Kinvaras, and that's why they fought with real swords. As everyone gawks, Zuger replies that he thought they were just playing, but then MacDonald tried to kill him. He denies that he then killed MacDonald, but he did challenge him. To what, Gibbs wants to know. To go "UA like he was always talking about!" yells Zuger. "I told him to take his sword and swim to shore." Gibbs looks gobsmacked. "Why was he wearing weights if he was gonna swim?" howls Gibbs. Zuger doesn't answer. Gibbs shakes him again, and bellows, "Why did he have weights chained to his waist?" Zuger can't even look at him as he shakily admits that "[he] told him that was the only way he could prove to [Zuger] he was immortal." Gibbs is horrified. "Why would you let him do that?" The Dramatic Strings of Yes, This Guy is also Nuts shudder to a crescendo as Zuger duhs, "To win the game." Tony and Kate look like they're going to hurl. Gibbs throws Zuger away from him, presumably so he doesn't give into temptation and shoot his stupid ass, and heads back to Kate. He yells at Kate to find something in the diaries already and stomps off.

We see a shot of the sun getting even lower as a hand hangs up a phone in, I think, Command Central. A Navy guy tells the Skipper they haven't found anything. The Skipper tells him to have Gibbs meet him in his "sea cabin".

CIC. Kate mutters to herself that she's missing something. There's only five minutes left! Oh noes! So, of course ... "This stuff MacDonald said about cutting off the head so the body will die. I mean, we're assuming that is part of setting up a 'plague against the realm'. But what if it meant two separate things?" The Dramatic Strings get excited because they know the episode is almost over, and Tony urges her to go on. "Zuger's website and his character were destroyed. And the plague against the realm could simply be referring to a computer virus." Ha! Told you! Neener. "Leaving 'cutting off the head' as another threat," realises Tony. The guys slowly process the information: since MacDonald thought the crew was "aligned with his enemy," they work out he's talking about the crew when he's talking about "cutting off the head so the body will die." God, it's painful watching them work this out! More vodka! FINALLY, they realise he's going to off the Skipper, the Dramatic Strings go nuts and they scamper off as we cut to a shot of the sun sinking really, really low now.

Skipper's sea cabin. The Skipper is chewing Gibbs out because they haven't found a bomb. Gibbs insists they are dealing with a real threat. Kate and Tony burst in and announce that the Skipper is the target. Tony asks where the Skipper is at this time every day. The Skipper protests, in order to draw out the "tension", but Tony tells him to shut up and answer the damn question already. Why, right here in his cabin, actually. Kate announces that they have to get the fuck out of there, and they all bolt for the door, dragging the confused Skipper with them.

They bolt down the hall, Gibbs exiting last and slamming the door behind him. They get a little way down the hall and cabin go boom, sending Gibbs and the Skipper to the ground. Tony makes sure that Kate is okay and turns to check the other two. The Skipper is all, holy shit! Gibbs heads back to check out the damage.

Lab. Ducky is confused, so Abby recaps the entire situation re Weylin/MacDonald and Kinvaras/Zuger for Ducky, with Ducky attempting to insert various stories along the way. It's mildly entertaining, but only due to Abby and Ducky's delivery of their lines.

Foster. XO's cabin. The gang are packing. Kate can't get over how reality got so blurred for MacDonald. Gibbs notes that to MacDonald, destroying Zuger's website was as "real and violent as trying to kill the skipper." Tony snarks that he's glad his parents made him play sport in high school. Heh. Kate and Gibbs eyeroll at him and head for the door. We then get to the part about what Tony brought them from Puerto Rico. They reluctantly stop and accept a package each from Tony. Kate got a two piece bikini consisting of a bikini bottom and a hat. Gibbs wonders if she's going to try it on. Hee! Skeevy, Gibbs. Very skeevy. The Dramatic Strings of It's the Funny Denouement! cue up as Kate tosses the bikini pants at him and snarks "you first." Atta girl. Gibbs protests lightly that they won't fit. Not touching that joke. Backing away, hands in the air. Kate snits that she works with pigs, and Tony hands Gibbs ... a fantasy RPG book. In Spanish. Gibbs is not impressed. Tony snits that he's never happy. They leave, with Tony grabbing the bikini bottoms on his way out, closing the door behind him and we fade to black.

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NCIS: Seadog

We open at a beach party. "What I like about you" plays as various (I presume) college students party on the beach. Ah, the beach party. How well I remember those. I am thankfully distracted from further reminiscence, as gunfire echoes through the night and some dude wonders if some chick heard that. She snarks that she has "always dug the 80s." Shut it, blondie. 80s music rules! The Dude turns the music off, much to the consternation of the various drunken idiots in attendance. In the distance, we can see flashes of light on the horizon as more gunfire is heard. The Chick says it sounds like fireworks, as Some Other Dude notes that none are visible. The Dude finally states that it sounds like gunfire. Thanks, Dude. I've only been saying that all along. These TV people never listen. We see a speedboat on the water heading for shore as the gunfire ceases and the Chick decides that, whatever it was, it's all over now. Silly Chick. Clearly nobody there has ever seen a pre-credits sequence either, as the drunken morons only notice at the very last moment that the abovementioned speedboat is speeding right for them and does not appear to be taking the imminent lack of water into consideration. The drunken morons scatter, squealing, as the boat grinds to a halt. The morons return to observe that the speedboat is empty. "Fireworks, my ass" says The Dude. "It's all shot up," as the camera helpfully shows us the bullet holes scattered over the speedboat. The Dude and the Chick look around as dramatic strings cue up. We cut to a shot of a deserted (or is it?) ocean as the strings get all excited and we go to credits.

I would be performing my usual credits boogie at this point, but due to the cold and my own profound hedonism, I am writing this recap in bed courtesy of a portable DVD player and the laptop. I am currently juggling a laptop and an insanely determined cat on my lap, and am therefore pinned helplessly. I settle for a quick head tap, while scarfing the vodka. What? It's really cold!

Gibbs emerges from the lifts into the Squad Room. Tony and Kate cheerily bid him good morning, and ask after his weekend. Gibbs is having none of this, brusquely asking what cases they have. Tony reports a car crash in Quantico with no fatalities while scratching at his neck. Does this mean something? Does Tony have fleas? Inquiring minds want to know! Inquiring minds are drunk, but still. Gibbs is not interested in this information, and Tony moves on to their next case: "Petty officer caught shoplifting at Bloomingdales." Gibbs wants to know why they would handle it, since there is nothing at Bloomingdales worth over $50,000. Is there a monetary limit before NCIS would become involved? Why am I even asking? Tony continues with something about a rumour about an ecstasy ring at Lejeune. I have no idea where that is. I also don't really care, but mmm, ecstasy. Kidding! I'm strictly a booze kind of girl. Gibbs remains unimpressed, and Kate pipes up that Tony has been desperately searching for a case to work on, since, as Tony informs Gibbs, "All agents not working active cases are to attend a sexual harassment lecture" that morning. Kate looks amused, as Gibbs snaps that he "cannot sit through another one of those." Heh. This is why I really, really, enjoy NOT working for the government anymore. Kate jokingly marvels that they get trained how to harass, but backpedals at A Look from Gibbs. "Hey, I'm kidding. Except for Tony." Oh, fine. Heh. Tony protests that he was trying to put his seatbelt on. Kate scoffs and turns back to her desk. Fortunately, Gibbs' phone rings and puts an end to this nonsense. Tony looks on eagerly as Gibbs tells the caller they're on it. He hangs up and as he power walks to the lifts, he tells the other two that a dead Navy Commander just washed up on a Virginia beach. Tony does a dance of joy, allowing Kate to call shotgun. Tony bitches. I brace myself for the barrage of childish bullshit yet to come.

Beach. The dramatic strings escort us through an overhead shot of the various cop cars and the NCIS van to the beach, where a few gawkers stand behind the crime scene tape. The jeep and a few bits and pieces from last night's drunken frat party remain, together with the speedboat. The camera swoops us over to where a redneck cop stereotype chats with a mildly pretty reporter as Gibbs and the kids arrive to introduce themselves. Officer Stereotype drawls that it's about time they showed up, as they've been running between the body and the boat all night long, as we get a shot of the body, some distance from the boat. Officer Stereotype, who is clearly lying about running anywhere, ever, infinity, tells Gibbs that the boat "crashed ashore right in the middle of a beach-blanket bingo." Stereotype notes ruefully, as he shows off the Commander's wallet (and ID) to Gibbs, that it's hard to believe that a Navy Commander would get "mixed up in stuff like this." The mildly pretty reporter takes notes in the background, and I notice that Officer Stereotype is not wearing gloves. Bad Stereotype! Bad! Stuff like what, Gibbs snaps, and I like to think it's because he's noting the ungloved hands. Drugs, duhs Officer Stereotype. As Tony examines the boat and Kate heads off towards the Commander's body, Officer Stereotype informs Gibbs that the "DEA's working two dead drug dealers three miles north of here at Fort Story." Gibbs rolls his eyes slightly as Mildly Pretty Reporter takes this in avidly. Gibbs acidly wonders, "Three miles up the beach, and you tied it to the Commander?" Stereotype drawls that since the dealers are all shot up, and so is the Commander's boat, there's got to be a connection. Yeah, that's detective work right there, moron. Gibbs agrees, as he takes a moment to compose himself, gently removing the Commander's wallet from Officer Stereotype's pudgy grip and taking a breath before calmly asking Mildly Pretty Reporter, "And you are?" Mildly Pretty Reporter introduces herself, and wants to ask Gibbs some questions. Gibbs cuts her off to summon Tony, and upon his arrival, orders him to "escort [Mildly Pretty Reporter] off our crime scene, please." Mildly Pretty Reporter flounces off in frustration, with a grinning Tony in tow.

Gibbs turns back to Officer Stereotype. He snidely ask if "[he's] in the habit of convicting people before the investigation starts?" Officer Stereotype stutters and splutters until Ducky arrives to interrupt the ass kicking. Gibbs informs him that they have the Commander's wallet with [Officer Stereotype's] prints. Ducky is outraged. Officer Stereotype protests that he needed to "get the vic's name." Ducky spits that the Commander is not a "vic", he's a victim. Gibbs nods approvingly as Ducky wonders where Officer Stereotype learned crime scene procedure, "watching Kojak reruns?". Heh. Officer Stereotype sputters and stammers some more, as Gibbs decides that Ducky has the ass kicking well in hand and leaves, as Ducky demands to know everything Officer Stereotype did when he got to the scene, "From the top." Officer Stereotype sighs and wishes he had a doughnut.

We join Kate, who is telling the Commander to show some attitude, throw his shoulders back and smile, dammit. Oops. No, she's just taking photos of his ashen coloured, sandy corpse while looking cute in her NCIS cap. Gerald kneels beside the body, preparing his medical bag. Gibbs wanders over as we cut to another overhead, and the dramatic strings indicate a scene change. Thanks, dramatic strings! God knows I'm already too drunk to notice! Anyway, the sand around the body is trampled to hell, and the waterline shows that the tide is creeping up on the body. Or receding from the body. Or something. Kate agrees with me about the sand, noting that it looks like a herd of elephants went through. Nah, "Just one fat local Leo," snarks Gibbs. Heh. He hands Kate the Commander's wallet, telling her to bag it and that he will do the photos. Kate protests, since Tony told her what to do. Gibbs can't have anyone else being bossy, and sends Kate off to go over the boat, while flipping his cap around backwards. Kate is all over that, and scampers off as Gibbs yells after her to have it towed back to the garage when she's done, and also to get the witness reports while she's at it. Kate waves in assent and continues on. She's probably fleeing from the sight of Gibbs in his backwards cap, but frankly, unlike every teenage boy on the face of the planet, he's kinda pulling it off. Tony jogs up in the meantime, enthusing that he needs "more assignments like that, boss." Gibbs continues to take photographs as he matter of factly asks Tony if he got [Mildly Pretty Reporter's] number. "Oh yeah," Tony enthuses. Gerald, bless him, ignores Tony and asks Gibbs if the Commander was shot or drowned. Tony dryly notes that "either way, he's dead," as Gibbs quietly notes that it's too bad, as the Commander was a good guy. "He got you out of that sexual harassment lecture." Tony nods slightly, and says sincerely that he'd rather be at the lecture. Wow, I think I actually believed that, too. I need another drink.

Ducky arrives at this moment, ranting that [Officer Stereotype] is an imbecile. "He shouldn't be a school crossing guard," he spits, shooing Gerald out of the way. Hee. Ducky's fun when he straps his bitch on! Gibbs cheerfully observes that he hasn't seen Ducky this pissed off since he shoved a French policeman off a cliff. Gerald disbelievingly asks about this. Ducky pshaws that there was a lake below. "60 feet below," sings Gibbs. Gerald chuckles as Gibbs notes that the crime scene is a mess, so can they move the body now? Duck assents, since "the imbecile" obviously has. Hee hee. The dramatic strings cue up again as we see the water creeping closer as they roll the body over to reveal two bullet wounds. Tony states the obvious as the dramatic strings get more and more excited, and Ducky sighs to the Commander that, "even if you had survived the water, you'd never have walked again." Gibbs informs Ducky of the other bodies at Fort Story. "At least they know not to contaminate a crime scene," bitches Ducky as he stomps off. Gibbs instructs Tony and Gerald to clean up the crime scene, bag the body and meet "us" there. "Well, gives you a warm feeling, doesn't it?" snarks Tony. "What?" replies Gerald amiably. "Knowing Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene," Tony replies. Gerald chuckles and the boys get to it (no! Not like that!) as the dramatic strings tell us the scene is over.

Fort Story. More strings, more beach. Gibbs and Ducky head to the scene and are greeted by the DEA guy. He tells them that [Officer Stereotype] had informed him they were coming. He introduces himself as Ken Fuller, but he will remain DEA Guy. He also introduces Captain Bradstone of Army CID. Gibbs introduces Ducky as DEA Guy leads them to the crime scene. He notes that the Commander must have fallen in with a bad crowd, as we see a shot of the beach, barely marked by footprints. Ducky drools over the "pristine" crime scene, as Gibbs wonders why they think the two incidents are related, as we see shots of the two bodies. DEA Guy wonders who else would "go out fishing in the middle of the night?" Gibbs replies that he would, as he snaps on his gloves. DEA Guy is unruffled, and "guarantee[s] [Gibbs] these two guys didn't." As they climb down the rocks, DEA Guy continues that [the drug dealers] meet up with cargo ships off the coast to bring in cocaine. Gibbs wonders where their boat is. DEA Guy replies that since there is a "drug war going on. I figured they got jacked for the boat and the coke." Gibbs turns to Bradstone and wonders if CID is working the crime scene. Bradstone replies that their ME is not available until tomorrow, and is happy for NCIS and the DEA to take care of it, especially since it may have something to do with the Commander. However, he would like copies of their reports. Gibbs assents, and turns his attention to the bodies. Ducky permits Gibbs to examine the corpse at his feet. Gibbs quickly discovers the dead guy is carrying a pouch at his waist, from which he pulls a large wad of cash. He wonders how many drug dealers neglect to remove the cash from bodies before dumping them. DEA Guy chews the inside of his cheek as the dramatic strings swoop us back to the squad room.

Squad room. Kate emerges from the lift, bitching about being left behind. "Chain of custody, Kate," Gibbs reminds her, "you had to stay with the boat." Kate bitches some more, since she didn't actually need to ride with the boat, and wonders if all the newbies cop it, or just the female ones. Kate, get off your high horse. God knows you did worse to poor McGee. In conclusion, shut it. Tony assumes an expression of innocence and asks if they look like sexists. Kate snarks at him until Gibbs shuts her up, asking her for "the highlights." Kate goes over the witness reports from the frat party. As Kate recounts the details of the pre-credits sequence, we learn that the speedboat was called "The Whaler" and had six holes in the stern and two in the engine housing. Gibbs deduces from this that the Commander was trying to escape. Kate concurs with this, and stating that he was probably fleeing from "a larger boat [the partygoers] heard racing up the coast." Apparently 15 seconds later, the "Mary Celeste" arrived on the beach. Wait. What? So ... what was "The Whaler" then? I'm confused! Or is that the type of speedboat? Whatever. Gibbs wonders what was found on the boat (but WHICH BOAT, DAMMIT!), and Kate replies with "Fishing gear, bait, coffee thermos, ham sandwich." Kate continues that everything has been sent to Abby. Tony asks if any drugs were found. Kate replies in the negative, wondering if there is a drug connection. Gibbs tells her that the DEA thinks so, what with the two dead drug dealers floating ashore nearby. Kate repeats that there were no drugs on "The Whaler". Auuugh! Tony wonders if she's certain, and tells a story from his "Baltimore Cop" days, which involves a granny who hid a kilo of heroin in her horse's rectum. Ick. Hey, I wonder how many hits from Google searches I'm going to get off that phrase?? Anyway, Kate looks disgustedly at Tony and snarks that no horses were found on the boat. She then wants to know if there is a joint investigation with the DEA. Gibbs affirms that there is, and notes that Ducky has all three bodies in autopsy, and Abby is drying the money. Kate wonders about this, and Gibbs explains that the dealers were wearing "fanny packs" (hee hee hee. Ah, Americanisms! It's even funnier than "bum bags") full of "wet Franklins." Kate declares that she has to see "those bills," preparing to rush down to the lab. Gibbs wonders why. "I did work for the Secret Service. We tend to get all hot and bothered over large sums of $100 bills." So do I, Kate. So do I. Tony teases her about that being "what does it for her," which sets off a further round of childish bickering, which, since this sort of thing will be repeated ad nauseum throughout the first two seasons, I won't waste time on it. Gibbs sighs, "Why do I feel like a high-school principal?" as Tony assumes his faux innocent expression. Gibbs gets back to business, noting that whoever shot the Commander "ran into the Chesapeake or up the Maryland coast," as he stares at a map on the plasma. Mmm, plasma. Tony's on it, as Gibbs turns back to the map and Ducky's voice over tells us that the South Pacific has a number of refreshments, as we cut to ...

... the Morgue. Ducky continues, "I remember one, where was it? New Guinea or Timor?", as Gerald futzes around behind him and DEA Guy looks on. "Well, whatever the case," continues Ducky, as we see him insert tweezers into a bullet hole and dig around, "the natives had this delightfully refreshing drink." DEA Guy looks queasy as Ducky continues to dig around while continuing his tale. "It wasn't til years later I discovered it was made from a mixture of rum punch," Ducky says, pulling the bullet out and examining it, "and water buffalo urine." Ha! Awesome. DEA Guy shoots Ducky an hilarious look as Ducky drops the bullet in an evidence jar, with instructions for Gerald to send the bullet to Abby. Ducky sighs contentedly and continues that "They'd never seen a white man, and my life was in jeopardy until ..." DEA Guy looks like he's about to hurl and flees the room, claiming he has to report in. Hee hee. I like that guy. Gerald follows, presumably to take the bullet to the lab. Ducky looks slightly disappointed, and I notice one of the "corpses" in the foreground take a deep breath. Heh. "Ah well. You'll enjoy this, Commander," he says, bending down to look the dead and, hopefully, not noticeably breathing Commander in the eye, "As I was saying, my life was in jeopardy until I cured the chief's wife of a terrible yeast infection," Ducky finishes, looking terribly pleased with himself. Heh.

DEA Guy finally arrives at the elevator doors and meets Gerald. I'll refrain from wondering what took so long, considering the lift is right outside the lab. "I can see why you don't talk much," DEA Guy tells Gerald queasily. Gerald removes one of his headphones. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?" he replies. Heh. What? I know it's a lame gag, but I'm drunk. I did mention the drunk, right? Shut up.

Anyway, we finally (I think. I might have missed it, because of the ... oh, never mind) learn that the Commander is "Commander Farrell", courtesy of Mildly Pretty Reporter on the evening news. We further learn that he was a Navy ROTC instructor and a founder of "Urban Lights, a night basketball anti-drug programme." Gibbs watches with interest, and is even more interested when it is alleged that Farrell might have been involved in drug smuggling. Gibbs looks pissed. He scampers over to Tony's desk and perches upon it, the better to glare at Mildly Pretty Reporter. Since this is not a live report, she remains uncowed and continues that due to the allegations, the Urban Lights program is being suspended by the "Community Centre". Gibbs shuts off the TV, rubs his face and sighs, while Dramatic Strings cue up yet again to tell us he's innocent, dammit. Innocent! Shut up, Dramatic Strings.

Basketball court. Two guys are shooting some hoops in the dark. Gibbs approaches the gate and finds it chained shut. He rattles the chain experimentally, but it remains locked. The boys notice him and approach warily, wondering if he is going to throw them out. I'm so not even going to try and keep with the lingo in this scene, y'all. I don't speak sassy black kid. I'm not convinced the writers do, either. Thank God for captions. Anyway, Gibbs denies that he is going to throw them out. The boys note that he is some kind of cop, one of them hilariously sassing "I smell bacon." Heh. Gibbs smirks slightly, and notes that it's a big fence to climb. The boys say it isn't for them, and ask what he wants. "Get this lock off the gate," says Gibbs. The boys want to know if Gibbs can do that. Gibbs says maybe they can. "We did," sass the boys, laughing and doing the fist bumping thing. Gibbs, amused, acknowledges this, but suggests it'd be better with lights. Gibbs says that if they answer a question, with the right answer, he will get the lights back on. The boys are wary again, thinking he wants them to say "Seadog" was dealing drugs. One doesn't give a rats and is happy to lie to get the lights back, since Farrell is dead and won't care; the other refuses to rat Farrell out. While they deliberate, Gibbs has climbed the fence. The boys are impressed. He tells them again to give him an answer. The boys want to know how he knows they won't lie. Gibbs smirks. "I'll know," he says. Because Gibbs Knows Everything!

The Dramatic Strings DUN DUN DUN us over to an external shot of NCIS Headquarters. There is a large cannon out front. I could make crack about that, but I'll just shut up and keep typing. We cut to a further close up of a $100 note with a portion highlighted as Kate explains that "For the 1990 to '96 series, Treasury introduced micro-printing as a counter measure against computer printers and copiers," as we see that the note is displayed on a computer screen in the lab. DEA Guy is also in attendance. "Good enough to stop high school kids," continues Kate, "but not rogue countries and a few of the world's top forgers." She ... uh, does something, which causes the screen to zoom in on the top corner of Franklin's (I guess) head. A further zoom shows tiny writing, as Kate finishes, "It's got one, tiny flaw." Gibbs smiles slightly, as Tony asks what's the what. Kate snarks that a man who could find heroin in a horse's ass "could find this." Heh. DEA Guy has this hilarious expression on his face as he says "You reached into a horse's ass?" Whoops, there goes that search phrase again! Ahem. Tony protests indignantly that he was wearing gloves. Gibbs gives him an amused look. Tony attempts to steer the conversation away from matters equine to monetary: "'United States'. What's wrong with that?" He gives Kate a puzzled look as she gets a pen thingy and puts a red circle on the text, telling him to read it again. It actually says "Untied States." Heh. I do that all the time, but I'm dyslexic. Tony agrees, saying "So the forger was dyslexic." "Not just the forger," smirks Kate. Heh. Shut up. Gibbs wonders who would pay drug runners with fake money. DEA Guy replies that Farrell could have paid the drug dealers with "bogus bills," and that's why he was killed. Gibbs collects his patience and states firmly that Farrell was not dealing drugs. DEA Guy thinks Gibbs is toasting marshmallows on the banks of denial, but says nothing. Gibbs asks Tony where he found that boat (presumably, the one that did not land on the beach) was headed. Tony says that the boat had to have been entering the bay, based on tide charts. Kate snarks that that narrows it down. The "not" at the end was implied. She continues that even if they knew where the boat ended up, they still don't have a name or description. Gibbs' eyes narrow and suggests they speak to someone who would have that information. He looks at DEA Guy and asks if he can get the dead drug runners' boss in to talk to them. DEA Guy says he's called "Trujillo" (wait - SOL Trujillo? It all makes sense now ...), and says he can, just as soon as he can get [Trujillo's] lawyers in as well. Gibbs says he wants the rival gang's boss, too. DEA Guy chuckles ruefully. He protests that the drug dealer boss guys won't tell him anything. Gibbs snarks that "maybe you just don't use the right tone of voice with them." DEA Guy is sceptical but heads off to get the drug dealer boss guys. Heh. Silly DEA Guy! Dramatic Strings play as he goes, telling us ... oh, never mind.

As DEA Guy heads out the door, Gibbs asks Kate if there is anyone at the Secret Service she can trust to look into the counterfeit bills. Kate airily notes that it shouldn't be a problem, until Gibbs adds "Without telling their boss," as the Dramatic Strings continue to swell and swirl and generally make a nuisance of themselves. Kate looks sharply at Gibbs. She cocks her head at him, as he wonders if that's a problem. Kate snarkily wonders why it should be a problem. She gives him a look and stalks off, as the camera swirls back to take in Abby in another section of the lab. She bangs on her glass window to get Gibbs' and Tony's attention. Her pigtails are looking much less anaemic than in the current season. Maybe it's the hair dye wrecking her hair? I should look into that. Anyway, she signs something at Gibbs, Gibbs signs back, and says, "Great." Tony wants to know what they're doing. The closed captions give no answer, so I'll have to go with Gibbs on this one. "Communicating." Duh, Gibbs. Tony expresses curiosity, and we get a little more Abby back-story: her parents were deaf. Tony wonders where Gibbs learned, as Abby continues to sign. Gibbs does not answer Tony, instead telling him that "she just said that the AK-47 round that killed [Farrell] came from the same weapon that killed our two drug dealers." Abby looks pleased with herself, as Tony wonders why she didn't just come out and say that. Abby emerges from her office as Gibbs thanks her for the info. She congratulates Gibbs on his skill with ASL, and I'm going to have to take her word for it. She signs again, and Gibbs translates for Tony that she has more. Abby tells them that she found GSR on the drug dealers' hands; their weapons had been fired recently. However, Farrell tested negative. "They said Seadog didn't deal," says Gibbs, walking off. "Seadog?" wonders Tony. Abby makes some kind of gesture at him, and he grunts in confusion and hurries after Gibbs. Abby smirks after him. Seriously, her hair looks really great here.

Tony scurries after Gibbs, just barely making it into the lift with him. "Who's Seadog?" he wonders. Gibbs ignores the question, wondering if he really got Mildly Pretty Reporter's number. Tony smugly confirms this. "See if she's available for lunch," Gibbs tells him. "Love to," says a delighted Tony. "Can I expense it?" Tony is shot down: "No, but I will," a smirking Gibbs tells him. Tony is crestfallen. Heh. Tony asks Gibbs how you sign "I should have known." Heh. Gibbs presumably shows him. Gibbs' expression while doing so is hilarious.

The Dramatic Strings escort us to a pleasant outdoor restaurant setting. Gibbs gallantly assists Mildly Pretty Reporter to her seat. She snarks that first he's kicking her off the beach, now he's being all gentlemanly. "You must want something reeeeaaaal bad," she smirks. This whole scene, assume she's smirking, 'kay? It'll save time, and my nails are growing out, so typing is hard enough SOBER. Gibbs concedes that he does, and offers her some bread. MPR metas "No bread. I'm on TV, remember?" Gibbs asks her if it's true the camera adds 10 pounds. "Five, in my case," smugs MPR. She asks what he wants. He says he wants to tell her a story. She laughs derisively. She dismissively tells him she's "on to fresher bodies." Gibbs asks if she isn't interested in "getting it right". She is, her producer isn't. He's a ratings-chasing whore! Gibbs protests that a man's reputation is being trashed. MPR protests that she didn't report anything that wasn't told to her by the police. Gibbs replies that she didn't dig deeper; predictably enough, MPR reminds Gibbs that he threw her off the beach. Gibbs looks at her a moment. "What if I let you in?" he asks. She smirks and strokes her neck in an attempt at "seductive," but which ends up staggering into a corner of "desperate", as the Dramatic Strings cue another scene change.

Squad room. Tony is at his desk, and asks Gibbs how lunch was as he enters, sculling a cup of Not-Starbucks coffee. What? It looks like a Starbucks logo. But it can't be, because Starbucks coffee (the unflavoured variety) is ass, and Gibbs would totally not drink that shit! Anyway. Gibbs ignores Tony and, presumably, my off topic rambling and asks if "they" are here yet. Tony says they are "downstairs, waiting." Gibbs ditches the Not Starbucks and heads for the elevator. Tony ho-ho-hos and says that Gibbs isn't going to tell him about lunch. Gibbs says no, and as they enter the lift, Tony makes some sort of ASL sign. Gibbs scolds him that he "should wash [his] hands with soap for saying that." Heh. Yes, I know this show is all about the cheap humour. But for some reason, this show gets away with it. Shut up.

Morgue. DEA Guy is pacing with some other guys in attendance. Gibbs and Tony arrive and are introduced to "Frank Trujillo and Darryl Wilkins as requested". [Sol] Trujillo is an oily-looking Latino type in a suit, while Darryl Wilkins is wearing a leather jacket and some bling. Heh. This show. Neither of them look pleased to be there. Gibbs curtly tells them "Over here," and pulls out the bodies of the two drug dealers. I'm distracted by checking to see if that one guy breathes on camera again. Darryl smirks at Sol. Sol just stares. Gibbs wonders if Sol recognises the two dead men. Sol just glares. "It seems these two belong to you," says Gibbs, as Darryl laughs derisively at Sol. "Well, good. I can slide, right?" perks Darryl. "Not if you killed them," says Gibbs. Sol takes this opportunity to make a "so there" face at Darryl and chuckle. Darryl denies that ever "scuffed anyone" in his life. Sol makes an hilarious "yeah, right" face as Gibbs snits that he is the only one not amused. Gibbs wanders over to Farrell's body and pulls back the sheet. He bitches that Farrell did not die of natural causes, or in war, but "in a crossfire between you two dirtbags." Sol rolls his eyes and demands his lawyer. I thought his lawyer was already supposed to be there? Whatever. Gibbs puts his hand out, and as the Dramatic Strings strike an "ominous" note, Tony hands over the fake money. Gibbs tells Sol and Darryl that the money was found on the dead men, and that it was provided by a foreign government known to support terrorism. The Wonder Twins start to look nervous as Gibbs tells them "that makes [them] suspected enemy combatants under the Patriot Act." Darryl gets a lemon sucking face and Sol looks like he's constipated. Gibbs smirks at them and tells Tony to "read them their rights. Put them on the first Navy transport to Gitmo." Tony approaches smugly, and informs them "You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney." The Wonder Twins stare at Tony as the shot turns to Gibbs and DEA Guy, who protests, while Tony drones on in the background, that they don't know who counterfeited the money, and they can't send these guys to Gitmo. They're US citizens! Gibbs, knowing he's only in a TV drama and not a documentary, and therefore gross abuses of the law and civil rights don't count for shit, couldn't really give a ... well, shit. "Do you understand these rights you don't have?" Tony asks the Wonder Twins. Sol continues to look constipated, while Darryl rolls his eyes and sighs. Gibbs smirks at DEA Guy. "Watch me," he says. The Dramatic Strings of Fuck Your Civil Rights, It's Just a TV Show herd us off to the next scene.

Squad room. Gibbs is hidden behind a newspaper and phones ring in the background. "Your bluff worked," DEA Guy announces. Gibbs peers over the top of his newspaper. "Trujillo wants to talk. He really believed you'd send him off to Gitmo." DEA Guy is all twirly here. It's funny. Gibbs tosses down is paper and rises from his desk (no, not like that! God) and informs DEA Guy that the secret of a good bluff is "not to bluff." DEA Guy looks after him all, stick a broom up my butt and call me Mary Poppins!

Instead of the Dramatic Strings, we get a Sol VO to take us back to the morgue. "The two men on ice are brothers," he says. Gibbs is perched on an autopsy table while Tony paces behind him. Sol continues, with some reluctance, "Jesus and Carlos Garcia. They run two of my boats. Fishing's been poor lately because of poachers in my waters," he says, throwing Darryl a wicked side eye. Darryl shoots back that Sol thinks he owns the ocean. I wouldn't put it past him. Sol sneers and turns back to Gibbs. "So, I kept my boats in port until our little dispute," here he throws Darryl a further pissy glare, "could be settled." Tony suggests a federal mediator. Sol glares. Heh. Tony apologises. Sol goes on to say that he learned that the Garcia brothers took one of his boats out on Sunday night and did not return. Gibbs raises his brows. "Without asking you, jefe?" Heh. Darryl snarks at Sol that he's losing his grip if people don't ask permission. Or something like that. Sol spits something in Spanish. Darryl tells him to shut the hell up with the Spanish. Again, I'm paraphrasing. Sol sneers. Gibbs looks back and forth between them like he's watching the tennis, an amused expression on his face. There's one on mine too, but it's more to do with the writers' attempts at "talking black". Unless of course they are being accurate, in which case that's even funnier! He asks Darryl if he believes Sol. "There's no way he wouldn't come with the real in front of my grille." Riiiight. Uh, I presume he means that Sol wouldn't lie in front of Darryl? Or something? Whatever. Tony is delighted by the expression, as am I. Gibbs smiles and says that that means, as far as Darryl was concerned, that boat was Trujillo's "fishing in disputed waters." Darryl denies knowing anything about it until now, and denies killing the two men. Sol smirks and agrees that Darryl is not lying. "He didn't kill them." Gibbs shakes his head, half laughing and says "This is good, Tony. I mean, it's good. You've got two rival dirtbags vouching for each other. You think Garcia chartered out [Sol's] boat to some sports fishermen from Iowa?" Heh. Gibbs suggests that they were "hauling drug smugglers." "Or illegals," adds Tony. "Or running guns," finishes Gibbs. Gibbs looks thoughtfully at Sol and asks if they missed "any potential charters." Sol, probably wishing he could go back in time and shot the Garcia brothers at this point, rolls his eyes and shakes his head. He says he's told them everything, and wants to know if he can leave now. Gibbs is all, sure dude. Just tell us the name of the boat first, 'kay? Sol glares. Gibbs turns to Darryl, who smirkingly informs Gibbs him Sol has GPS trackers on all his boats. Gibbs turns to Sol and asks why he didn't mention that. Sol grits that he prefers to solve his own problems. Gibbs claims that this time, it's "ours". Sol asks to use Gibbs' phone. Meanwhile, the extra playing the part of DEA agent behind Sol looks like he's going to wet himself, he's so happy to be on TV. Heh.

Marina. La Eternidad. Tony snaps some photos while DEA Guy asks Gibbs if "Tony" (a rather gorgeous German Shepard) can sniff for drugs now. Tony (the guy) notes the name, and DEA Guy says it's some coincidence. Tony pats the dog, saying he must be a real stud. Naturally, DEA Guy's reply is "he's neutered," accompanied by a well timed whine from the dog. Tony looks askance. Heh. DEA Guy shoots Tony a wide smile. Hee! Meanwhile, Gibbs is on boat, spraying it with luminol. He says that the deck has been hosed down, but there is blood residue. Gibbs moves into the cabin, which is a mess. Broken crockery, overturned furniture and blood and bullet holes all over the place. The Dramatic Strings tell us to pay attention, dammit. We catch sight of an ashtray with a cigarette butt in it, just so we know that they weren't just bad guys, they were also Evil Smokers. Thanks for that, by the way. Gibbs turns at the ... um, cockpit? Anyway, he turns around and faces back down the boat, imagining the two drug dealers shooting wildly and finally going down. He opens the hatch to the tiny sleeping cabin, finding more blood as well as some blood smeared first aid kits. He flashes onto a hand applying pressure to a bandaged wound as a curly haired man groans in pain. He opens his eyes again and heads back out to the main cabin. The Dramatic Strings keep going, as Gibbs tests the engine. Tony, out on the deck, almost jumps six feet in the air. Heh. "What kind of engine's in this thing?" he exclaims. From the dock, DEA Guy tells him, "Drug runner special. Blown 502 putting out 800 horses." I got nothing from that, except that it's probably a powerful engine. Or something. Gibbs comes back out on deck, telling Tony the main cabin is a mess. He tells Tony what he found, and notes that "one of them's hurting." DEA Guy again asks if he can search for drugs now. Gibbs says no, but tells him to check the marina office to see if they paid a mooring fee, and then to canvass the marina. DEA Guy gets huffy and snaps that he is a Federal Agent, thank you, and he knows what to do. Gibbs snarks that he forgot DEA Guy wasn't just a dog walker. DEA Guy tells Tony to come with him and whistles. Tony the dog barks at Tony the guy as Tony the guy instinctively looks up. Heh. DEA Guy is amused, and off he goes. Hee. He's kinda cute. Tony turns and marvels at the damage in the cabin. Gibbs stares moodily out into the marina, saying they cleaned up just enough to not attract attention from passers-by. Tony moans that they will be "bagging and tagging for hours." He turns to see what Gibbs is staring at, and starts to smile. Gibbs, clearly not seeing what Tony is, flashes back to the shooting, as the Dramatic Strings give us a poke to make sure we are still awake. We see the boats and the water and the flashes from the gunshots, as Farrell approaches. Once he realises what is happening, he attempts to flee, but is shot down by someone on the boat. He falls into the water. Gibbs is sad. Meanwhile, Tony has spotted two hotties on a yacht. "If I only had the time," he leers under his breath. This draws Gibbs from his reverie, while Tony pretends he wants the time, as his watch has broken. Gibbs pretends to be taken in by this, and they get down to work. Meanwhile, the Dramatic Strings plink a soft version of the theme music, telling us that Gibbs is sad and, like, thoughtful and stuff.

We cut to a shot of a hand-drawn sketch of Gibbs, currently being drawn by Kate. It's a nice drawing, and Gibbs' expression is soft and half-smiling. I think at this point in the series, they hadn't quite given up the love interest angle for Kate, so this could be interpreted as evidence of a crush. I am going to call it evidence of Kate's daddy-complex thing for Gibbs, because Kate and Gibbs in a relationship squicks me out. Anyway, Kate's friend "Marcy" from the Secret Service arrives at the park bench Kate is occupying and gets her attention. Kate is pleased to see her and gives her a hug. Marcy sort of grimaces and does not return the hug. Bitch. Kate notices and protests that she "didn't go over to the dark side." Marcy insincerely apologises, and wonders how it feels not to wear a suit. Kate looks down at her outfit and half laughs that she feels "like Mom felt when she burned her bra." Heh. I hate suits too. But that's more because I feel ridiculous wearing one. Anyway, Marcy has little time for pleasantries, and asks Kate where she got the money. Kate explains about the case, telling Marcy and us: "$65,000 worth of Franklins. You able to trace them?" Marcy allows that "we" did indeed. Kate is not pleased that Marcy has clearly involved her bosses. Marcy fake apologises again, and tells her that she should know better than to think Marcy could just "slip [her] info on something like this." Kate is pissed as Marcy tells her "we had to involve the FBI," as we cut to a long shot with Fornell (yay, Fornell!) in the foreground, looking all cool and snarky in his sunglasses. Kate looks over at Fornell as he removes his sunnies and smirks "Agent Todd. I see you've joined the cowboys." Heh. Kate rolls her eyes and pouts.

Marina. DEA Guy got nothing from the marina office, but he did speak to "Jenny and Nancy," the two girls Tony had been perving on earlier. DEA Guy chuckles happily and waves as he tells Tony that they are sailing the yacht to Miami for their owner. Wow. Can I get that job instead? Tony drools as Gibbs snits that "they're going to be there by the time you tell me how they were helpful." Gibbs has no time for bikini babes. DEA Guy regretfully hauls his eyes off of the girls (while Tony continues to drool. Heh) and tells Gibbs that when the girls docked yesterday, there was someone on the drug boat, and gives a description: "Late 20s, glasses, short hair. Gay or low on testosterone. They waved. He ignored them." This last is directed with some disbelief to Tony. "No way!" says Tony. Gibbs is all, way, and seriously, shut up. Gibbs wants further details, which DEA Guy supplies. "Guy had a couple of cell phones. When he wasn't making calls he was working a laptop." He goes on with some more blather, which I cannot bring myself to pay much attention to, about "grilling some prawns," and reveals the girls are Australian. Paul Hogan should be shot for that stereotype. Tony is enthused, for he loves "Aussies." Thanks, sweetpea. And shut up about throwing shrimps on the barbie. Shut up a lot. Anyway. At about 1:00 pm Jenny saw a white van pull up, Glasses Guy was happy to see the driver. "She said they hugged a lot," explains DEA Guy. "Gay" pronounces Tony. Heh. Gibbs curtly asks for a description of the driver. "Same look as glasses, without the glasses," replies DEA Guy. They unloaded some heavy suitcases from the boat, then hauled a guy with a bandaged leg into the van. DEA Guy thinks he must have been in the cabin the whole time. "Then they drove off," finishes DEA Guy. Tony wonders if there is any other description of the van, aside from "white." Nope, says DEA Guy. He asks again if Tony (the dog) can sniff the boat now. Gibbs tells him to have at it. DEA Guy is delighted, and slaps a forfeiture notice on the boat. Tony wonders if he doesn't have to actually find drugs first. DEA Guy grins that he used to worry about such niceties, then he met "you guys." Heh. He grins widely and he and Tony head on board the boat. Bye, DEA Guy!

We cut to an overhead of the rear of the NCIS van, where Gibbs and Tony are closing the doors. Tony is still obsessed about the Aussie girls. He says that Aussie girls require a different approach to American girls, because we are awesome (I made that part up) and that he thinks he could get more information out of them. Gibbs sighs. "I know I'm going to regret this, DiNozzo," he says and then grimaces. "But follow up on [DEA Guy's] interview." Heh. Tony beams.

Squad room. Kate passes, a sour expression on her face. Gibbs exits the elevator and wonders if he got anything from her friend. "Yep," says Kate curtly, mentally making a note to kick Marcy in the face next time she sees her. As Gibbs heads for his desk, his expression becomes equally dark. "You disappoint me, Kate," he seethes as the camera rounds about to reveal Fornell at Gibbs' desk. "Me too Gibbs," perks Fornell. "I thought she knew better than to trade down." Heh. Heh heh heh. And this is why I love him. Kate rolls her eyes and looks away. Gibbs glares until Fornell fake apologises and rises from the desk. They trade places, and Gibbs growls to Kate that she needs to "seriously rethink your definition of the word 'friend'." Kate protests that she would have done the same thing in Marcy's shoes. She's also mentally beating Marcy over the head with said shoes. Fornell tells her to be careful, as she's running out of job options. Heh. Love. Gibbs decides to cut the bullshit, and tells Fornell that they're into "more than phony Franklins and dead drug dealers." Fornell agrees. Turns out that the serial numbers on the fake money matches a batch passed by 9/11 hijackers. D'oh! As the Dramatic Strings tells us this is all very, um, dramatic, Fornell ... dramatically intones "Your killers aren't drug dealers. They're terrorists." Dun dun dun! We have a series of Gibbs/Kate reaction shots as the Dramatic Strings get excited at this furthering of the plot, and we cut to ...

MTAC. The FBI Director is on screen, blathering about a terrorist database they have compiled. He says that any prints they got from the boat can be matched against this database. The NCIS Director (hi, Alan Dale!) wants to know why they didn't have access to the database before. FBI Director smarms that "all [they] had to do was ask." Director Morrow isn't having it, bitching that if Fornell hadn't been there, "my feeling is we'd still be asking." Heh. FBI Director smarms that "perhaps I should leave him there." Gibbs looks horrified at that prospect. Heh. Director Morrow doesn't think that's necessary, he just wants to be hardwired into the database. FBI Director sneers that the FBI prefers to keep an eye on who's accessing their data. Morrow threatens to blab about the database to other agencies, and FBI Director caves, but warns him to keep his mouth shut, or "I'll pull your plug and NCIS priority will follow the Sandusky, Ohio fire department." Morrow smirks and agrees. The transmission ends, and Morrow wishes Gibbs good luck and leaves. Fornell snarks, "I see where you cowboys get your chutzpah." Heh. Gibbs ignores this and asks how long it will take to scan the entire database. Fornell doesn't know. No one's ever done it. He leaves, with Kate and Gibbs staring avidly at the screen, which now shows the fingerprint being compared to ... various faces. All righty, then.

We cut back to the marina and ... oh, Lord. I can't bring myself to pay much attention to this scene. The bikini babes, at least one of whom I know for sure is a real live Aussie (and was last seen on a tropical island also inhabited by polar bears), are speaking in accents so broad you could land a jet on them, and coming out with all sorts of ocker crap that is not actually ever heard outside of the most rural, old-fashioned of locales, if at all. Jesus Christ on a pink pachyderm. Tony gets the girls to repeat what they were doing when they saw the men in order to jog their memories. Jenny manages to remember that one of the men was wearing a uniform of some kind. We finish on a shot of Glasses Guy as the Dramatic Strings tell us to stay awake, dammit! It's almost over!

We cut back to the database, which is scanning for dear life. Glasses Guy is identified as "Seth Shakir". Kate doesn't know him, but Fornell identifies the name as Saudi, which is the same nationality as many of the 9/11 hijackers. Apparently the red star by Seth's name means an "active case with high priority," according to Fornell. He futzes with another computer, and they discover he's one of the guys wanted for the UN bombing in Baghdad. He was believed to have left Syria three weeks ago, and they don't know where he is now. "Not anymore," sneers Gibbs, striding for the door with Kate and Fornell scampering after him.

Can I just mention that it's hilarious how fast the plots always move at the end? It's like the writers are all, oh shit! There's only five minutes left!! Better wrap this up FAST, dammit. Hee.

Squad room. Tony is back, and yelling that "it worked!". He blathers a bit about shrimp, prawns, barbies and chardonnay, until Gibbs thankfully shuts this avenue down and Tony gets to the point. Kate wonders what kind of uniform the girls remembered - water company, phone company? "Milkman. Breadman." says Fornell. Heh. Fornell bitches that the white van could be from any one of 100 places. Gibbs thinks it's a start. But, lo! Tony has gotten a security tape from a servo on the road out of the marina. Since they know when the van left, they should be able to spot it on the tape. "That's really smart, Tony," Kate compliments him (and sounding hella surprised. Heh). "Any guy could have done it," smugs Tony. Kate glares and bitches at him to quit while he's ahead. I feel you, sister. They cue up the tape as Abby arrives, along with the Dramatic Strings. They would like you to know that the end, she is nigh. Shut up, Dramatic Strings. We know already. Abby's hair is still fabulous, by the way. I just watched a fourth season episode, and her hair looks like ass. Sigh. Anyway, Abby tells them she could only match the dead drug guy's prints. She confirms that Farrell's prints were not found. Kate tells her they got a match on a terrorist. Abby is confused. "I ran those prints through the Bureau. I got nada," she says. Gibbs tersely tells her that she "did not have access to the full database." Abby turns on Fornell and scolds him. "You're holding out on us. That is not nice." Heh. I loved her delivery on that one. Fornell just glances at her, not in the least remorseful. We turn our attention to the plasma, where they find the van. They discover that the van is from "Jefferson Power" and is van number 831, following some non-comedy about Gibbs' poor eyesight. Kate declares they must be after the power grid. Abby tells her she found traces of C-4 in the evidence from the boat. Fornell is relieved. "Thank God. They're just gonna try to blow something up." Heh. The others all turn to him, looking confused. He explains that they had been worrying about terrorists "hacking into our power grid distribution software. That could shut down half the country." Way to give them ideas, show. He continues that all the power plants and substation nodes are all under tight security. Which, of course, means they really aren't. Right? Anyway, Fornell goes to make a call to have security increased, while Gibbs points out that Seth probably works for Jefferson Power. Fornell is not fazed. "We'll have him before sundown," he asserts. Not. Fornell puts out an APB on the van, while Gibbs looks around, concerned. Fornell blithely thanks them and skitters off. Tony watches him leave. "I feel like I just kissed my sister," he says with distaste. Abby didn't know he had a sister. "I don't, I was fantasizing." He turns back to the plasma as Abby purrs that she needs music to do that, and heads back to her lab. Kate looks disgusted. Heh.

Gibbs bitches that Fornell has target fixation. Tony explains what that means for Kate, and they banter a little, before Gibbs starts talking about an August blackout. I have no idea what he's on about, but apparently it was caused by a tree falling on some powerlines. They go over the timeline for the blackout. "It started at Eastlake, Ohio at 1400 and by the time it reached Indian Point in Buchanan, New York, all the northeast and most of Canada was dark." We see a whole bunch of US states and parts of Canada blacked out on the plasma. Gibbs has Kate pull the state power grid off the internet. I love TV internet searches. She's going to just pull up the information and not get any porn sites! She woahs and pulls up a site titled "Could Virginia black out the country?" Apparently three failures in Virginia could "cascade until every state from here to the Rockies is dark," reads Tony. "More than says, it shows how," howls Kate, presumably outraged at how STUPID that is. They peruse the instructions, noting that if you take out three particular nodes and you take out "the entire eastern power grid." Gibbs realises that all they have to do is stop them from taking out one of them. Apparently if they can save one, there will still be blackouts but it won't spread. The Dramatic Strings have been working themselves gradually into a lather during this entire scene, and go postal as Gibbs decides to head for the closest one. Scene.

We cut to a road, where Gibbs, Kate and Tony are speeding along. They are followed by a large truck. Just because. Anyway, Kate informs them that Fornell has sent agents to the three nodes, and has sent them a photo of the driver of the van. Oh, okay. I guess that wasn't Seth then. Anyway, the driver is a power line inspector. We cut to an overhead of a power station ... whatever ... thingy, as Seth is hooking up the bombs. Gibbs glances at a transmission line. I know it's a transmission line, because Gibbs said it was. Kate affirms this, telling him it's about a mile west. Gibbs glares some more and directs Tony to take the side road leading to the transmission line. Gibbs explains that Seth doesn't have to go to the node, since if he takes down three transmission towers he'll do the same thing. Kate wants to know how they know this line is one of them. "It crosses the node, doesn't it?" replies Gibbs. Kate protests that "two lines cross the node in and out. That's four places within a mile of the node that he can blow a tower down." Kate doesn't think they'll get that lucky. Kate has clearly yet to learn that Gibbs Knows Everything, especially when they are almost at the end of an episode. Sure enough, they see Seth seated at the base of the transmission tower. He frantically yells into his phone in Arabic. Back in the car, Kate protests the he could be a power company employee. Seth picks up a gun and fires at their car, disabusing her of that notion. Gibbs and Tony shoot back, and Seth dives for the ground, losing his glasses in the process. He doesn't bother looking for them, but quickly hooks up a wire to the bomb and attempts to dial the detonator. Gibbs shoots him, propelling him away from the laptop. The car pulls up as Seth desperately attempts to plug in the last number. Gibbs shoots him again (yes, I know Kate was shooting too. I don't care. Shut up, it's almost over) and Seth finally dies. Some birds caw in protest at the gunfire.

Gibbs and the kids rush over to examine the bomb. Kate notes that he had all three phones set to the same number, and that he had dialled six numbers. Gibbs is glad he wasn't "phone-savvy." Kate disagrees, since he was savvy enough to wire three phones to the same number. "Yeah. What if he used speed dial?" replies Gibbs airily, heading back to the car. The camera pulls back and up, showing us the power lines, as the Dramatic Strings crescendo and escort us to the last scene.

Basketball court. It is now lit up and swarming with kids playing. The camera takes us over to Mildly Pretty Reporter, who is um, reporting, on the situation. She notes that Farrell has been cleared of all suspicion, and that the Community Centre has issued an apology and will be installing a commerative plaque. Woot. The camera swings out to show us Gibbs at the fence as I ignore the egregious abuse of grammar. Shut up, MPR. Anyway, she wraps up her report and goes to speak to Gibbs. He thanks her, and she warns him that she can't promise it will be aired. He is happy that she's trying. She looks at him all lustfully as he thanks her again. Fortunately, Gibbs is saved by a sports car driven by a mystery redhead, who kisses Gibbs hello. They drive off as the theme music plinks in the background, and MPR makes a funny "dammit" face. The Dramatic Strings finally shut the hell up, and we fade to credits and I collapse in a drunken stupor.

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