Music Men

>> Friday, September 26, 2008

After listening to [commercial radio station I will not be product placing, since they are not providing me with a fat advertising fee any time soon], I got to thinking about how certain types of music correspond to a certain type of guy. Because I'm lying here bored with a throbbing knee and shredded heels, I have nothing better to do and am feeling bitchy. So there.

So. R'n'B guy. You've got the "sensitive" sounding guy crooning away about how he's so romantic and in loooove and blah blah blah. In the film clip he's usually in some club surrounded by scantily clad babes and mooning over this one particular girl as she dances, or some crap like that. Here's what he wants you to think:

Baby, I'm so soulful and sensitive. I love you! See how I only have eyes for you, and not for any of those other tramps writhing around me? Seriously, I adore you. And I would totally call you the next morning. And I'd cuddle you after. In fact, I'm cool if we just cuddle! Because I respect your feelings! Here, have this teddy bear. It's pink! Gosh, isn't it pretty? Aren't I sweet and romantic? What's that? Oh yeah, punkin. Cuddling. I'm so there! Honest.

And the impression I get? Is this:

I will say anything and act in any way necessary in order to convince you to sleep with me. And I may call you afterwards, just to string you along for a while, but I'm totally not cool with just cuddling, right? Oh, and I'm totally going to bang every skank who hits on me the second your back is turned, until you inevitably find out because I'm not bright enough to cover my tracks, and you'll dump my ass. Then I can write a song about how heartbroken I am, and fool the next poor idiot into sleeping with me to heal my wounds. Awesome!

And then we have rap. Here's what Rap guy wants you to think, as he poses and preens in his film clip with the bikini chicks draping themselves all over him and making sex faces, and guys looking threatening and shit. Oh, and there are often cars:

Dudes. I am so hot. See all these hot bikini babes flocking to me? Yeah. I'm awesome. And I'm fantastic in bed. And rich. Check out my car! And see all those tough looking guys hanging around, giving me props* and those other guys over there who pretend to get in my face, but back down like pussies because me and my crew are so intimidating? Yeah. I'm so awesome. And tough. And look at my bling! I'm loaded! You can't resist me, bitches!

My impression:

I'm pumping myself up to make myself seem manly and tough. But I am in fact incredibly insecure and lame. I'm also terrible in bed. I'd be lucky to last 20 seconds, and I don't know where the clitoris is. And I don't care. And I'll dump you the next day, if not immediately after the deed is done. But I'm hoping that you're impressed by all the babes who are in fact paid to hang with me, so you'll be interested, if only on the off chance expensive gifts might make it worth your while. And those tough guys? I pay them to act like I'm tough and cool. And those guys who got scared off? Just pretending. I paid them too. God, I suck. But if you're dumb enough to go for R'n'B guy, I might just have a shot, right? The car is a rental, by the way.

Jesus. Of course, grunge was all about poor, tortured, angsty guys but at least you KNOW they're all massive sluts - there's just the off chance that you might have one hell of a fun night with them. Just make sure you use protection, because God knows where they've been (cough Courtney Love cough). They're the guys you do after you've gone through R'n'B guy or Rap guy (also known as "valuable educational experiences", and if you had both, you should be beaten violently about the head. That's okay. I'll wait), just for the fun of it.

I could mention Techno guy, but really? Does that need ANY explanation at all?

*Yes, I know. I can't speak "black", or whatever. I'm sorry.


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