Bad Cop! Bad!

>> Friday, October 24, 2008

Not happy, Jan. Fight the power!

In other news, Misguided did manage to fit into her gown - and looked quite pretty, I might add. However, it does appear from the pictures that her serial killer of a new husband already wants to lock her in the basement and start eating her organs. Shudder.

Speaking of weddings - I recently hauled ass over to Moama for the DVD Queen's wedding. She, naturally, was far prettier than Misguided, and did not have to starve herself to do it. However, I learned something very important on the way there. The lesson? It is harder to rent a car than catch a domestic flight. Now, it could have simply been that The Boy and I are insanely white and have a disgustingly Aryan surname. HOWEVER, upon inspection it appeared to be not just us. What is "it", you ask? Why, the practice of not checking ID before handing out boarding passes and letting people on planes!

Yes, that's right! All anyone with a mind to avoid law enforcement and travel speedily needs to do is steal a credit card, buy a ticket online and you're set! Just check-in through a computerised kiosk! It's all good!

God. GOD. Roll up to Australian airports for all your domestic terrorism needs!!

At least the DVD Queen had nice weather for her wedding.


NCIS: The Curse

>> Monday, September 29, 2008

Okay, so I'm totally rusty. I've also consumed vast quantities of vodka and sat in the spa for a while, so I'm totally incoherent as well. This should be fun, y'all!

We open with the Dramatic Strings and a hunter's POV down a scope as he stalks a deer. The hunter bounds after the deer and stacks it in a pile of leaves. Unfortunately, the poor, persecuted deer does not take this opportunity to enact a richly deserved smackdown of the hunter, but instead bounds off, never to be seen again. The hunter, meanwhile, has felt something hard (ahem) beneath him, and scrabbles in the leaves to unearth a metal pod. The Dramatic Strings are all, spooky! While the Dramatic Strings continue their foolishness, the hunter has found and opened a hatch in the pod. He pulls out a satchel as the Dramatic Strings get frisky with Ominous Drums, and then the hunter sees a mummified corpse in the pod, accompanied by some golf clubs, which is a sure sign of evil. Golf sucks. The hunter howls in fright and skitters away, as the Dramatic Strings, also freaked out by the Evil Golf Clubs, hurl us, panting with terror at the thought of golf, into the credits.

Squad room. Gibbs, scarfing coffee as is his wont, wanders out of the elevator. Kate is standing at her desk, reading some papers, and Tony is seated at his desk and wearing his hardly-ever-seen glasses and working the whole Clark Kent look. Gibbs tells the kids to grab their gear, and Tony eagerly snatches off his glasses as Kate wonders where they are off to. Gibbs tells them they are off to St Mary's River State Park. I pause to wonder whether any of these locations are real, decide I can't be assed looking it up, and remind myself that I am not watching a documentary. The Dramatic Strings cue themselves up as Gibbs points out the location of the park on the plasma. I drool over the plasma while Tony notes that the park is in Maryland. I have no idea why that might be important, because the audience probably doesn't care that much. Then I slap myself for wondering about small irrelevancies and get back to the recap. While I have been so occupied, Tony has been blathering about the fastest way to get there and directions thereto, and Kate finally decides to start up the exposition, wondering what's in the park. While the Dramatic Strings mutter in the background, Gibbs executes a neat doe-si-doe with the exposition while telling us that a deer hunter found an aircraft drop tank. I like pod better, because it's easier to type. Gibbs continues that the pod has Navy markings. Tony wonders why they are driving to Maryland to look at a pod. Gibbs informs him that the pod had a body inside. Tony thinks that's a good enough reason. Gibbs parcels out chores to the kids, telling Kate to pick up Ducky and Tony to gas up the truck. Tony predictably whines. Gibbs predictably tells him to cram it.

Park. We pan over a small bunch of cars parked in a clearing while some random cop wanders around the cars. Cut to a pair of feet. Excellent. Ducky, Gibbs and the gang wander through the woods as some cop/ranger tells us again about the hunter finding the pod with the wicked toy surprise inside. The hunter and his crossbow have been lurking at the scene, and they stand up when Gibbs and gang arrive. Gibbs and the cop/ranger guy beat the exposition with a cudgel as they confirm, once again, that the hunter opened the hatch. Gibbs scans the sky above as the Dramatic Strings are all, dudes!! Run away from the killer golf clubs!! Nobody listens, and we get an overhead of the gang standing around the pod and looking down at the mummy. Unfortunately he's not played by a strangely hot South African guy, so I have very little interest in this scene. Of course, it could be the vodka and spa combination that has caused me to be distracted by everything else, ever, infinity, but I'm blaming it on the lack of beefy hot guys.

While I've been rambling, Kate wonders how the non-hot mummy got all mummified. Ducky explains that the tank must have been airtight, thus creating an hermetic environment. Kate snaps some pictures of Non-Hot Mummy as Tony continues, "No air, no bugs, no critters." Ducky wags his finger and adds, "And more important, no bacteria." Gibbs wonders if Ducky can estimate time of death. Ducky snarks at him, so Gibbs wanders off to chat to the hunter. The hunter apparently thought the pod was a missile or a bomb until he tapped it. Which is not what I would do if I thought I had stumbled across a large explosive device, but then I am considered a strange person in some circles. The hunter goes on to tell us that since the supposed missile or bomb did not explode in his face, but merely sounded hollow, he cleared the leaves and found the hatch. Kate continues to snap pictures and still looks cute in her cap as Ducky feels up Non-Hot Mummy while Gibbs wonders if the hunter's curiosity got to him. "Wouldn't yours?" wonders the hunter, and I have to admit, he's got a point. Gibbs smiles and agrees, and wonders if the hunter removed the flight bag from the pod. The hunter allows that he did, but says that he didn't touch anything else after he saw "King Tut". We'll stick to "Non-Hot Mummy" for the duration, if that's all right with everyone. And by everyone, I mean me, so we'll just move this crap right along. Gibbs nods and tells the hunter they'll need his prints for exclusionary purposes. The hunter is agreeable, and Gibbs wanders back to the group, where Kate is now photographing the flight bag. She identifies the bag as belonging to a "Lieutentant Commander Farnsworth." She wonders if that's who Non-Hot Mummy is, but Gibbs doesn't know, and tells her to bag the, uh, bag. Ducky announces that he can't do much more with the body until it's out of the pod. Tony announces that he knows what the pod is. Ducky and Gibbs shoot him a look while Gibbs duhs, "External fuel tank?" Gibbs, quit shooting down the exposition. God knows the poor thing is battered enough as it is, and we vodka soaked audience types appreciate the explanation. Fortunately, Tony agreeably continues. "370 gallon external fuel tank off an F-14 Tomcat. A few were converted into camera or cargo pods. This one's a cargo pod." Thanks, Tony. Kate pretends to be impressed with Tony's knowledge, and Tony grandly informs her that he didn't become an NCIS agent yesterday. He nudges Gibbs that tomorrow ... "It'll have been two years," Gibbs finishes for him. Tony is touched that Gibbs remembers. Gibbs snarks that it seemed like a good idea at the time. Heh. Last Friday it was one year since I started working in my current team. I'm pretty sure my practitioners would say exactly the same thing, and in exactly the same tone of voice. But enough about me. Gibbs asks Ducky if he can touch Non-Hot Mummy. Ducky assents, and Gibbs leans in to examine Non-Hot Mummy. He finds a metal insignia thingy on Non-Hot Mummy's collar. No, I have no idea what that thing is called, but if some knowledgeable person stumbles across this site and actually decides to read this, feel free to leave a comment and let me know. Gibbs does tell us that the metal thingy means that Non-Hot Mummy is a Lieutenant, which means that he is not the owner of the flight bag. Kate wonders if Gibbs can see any dog tags. Gibbs replies in the negative, and tells the gang to get a flatbed to transport the pod. After a pointed look from Gibbs, Kate remembers what happened in Seadog, and snipply notes that Gibbs is going to "suggest" that she ride in the flatbed with the driver. Gibbs smirks that it wasn't a suggestion, and Kate takes one last snap for the road.

Garage. Various extras scurry about as the Dramatic Strings continue to freak out about the golf clubs. I hear ya, Dramatic Strings. Sparks fly as Abby hacks away at the pod with a circular saw. Her hair is still looking good, by the way. I'll take this opportunity to note that Tony's hair is ass, unfortunately. Anyway, Gibbs wonders if Abby found any prints other than the hunter's on the pod. She found some partial prints on this inside of the hatch, but they don't think they belong to the Non-Hot Mummy. Presumably that's because they are assuming that Non-Hot Mummy was dead when he went into the hatch, otherwise there would be a damn good likelihood that his prints would indeed be on the inside of the hatch. Gibbs instructs Abby to run the prints through the military database. Abby assents, and helpfully notes that she found a serial number on the bottom of the pod. It's a little worn, but Abby is confident she can bring it up. Gibbs is pleased. "Good. If that tank came off a Tomcat, somebody filed a TFOA report." Kate wonders what "TFOA" means. Tony informs her that it means "Things falling off aircraft." Kate is all, seriously? So was I. That's hilarious. Gibbs assures her that it is so, and I take a moment to note that I love military acronyms. Gibbs tells her that "Squadrons have kept files on those, going back to biplanes." Love.

Meanwhile, Abby has finished futzing with the pod, and the gang gather round to pull the top off, Abby gleefully rubbing her hands in anticipation. Heh. The lid is hauled off, and the Dramatic Strings get scared by the golf clubs, again, some more, and skitter off into a corner. "Sailor on a half-shell!" exclaims Abby, much to Ducky's eyerolling irritation. Kate snaps some more photos as Ducky gets going with stories of Egyptian mummification. He notes that the Egyptians buried their mummies with "personal treasures to accompany them on the journey to the afterlife." He examines the golf clubs, and since he is Scottish, is clearly less frightened by them than the Dramatic Strings and I are. Tony jokes about Non-Hot Mummy squeezing in "an 18 now and then" after death. Kate notes that Non-Hot Mummy is not wearing shoes, and Tony snarks that he kicks his shoes off when he flies. Kate smirks and continues photographing. Meanwhile, Gibbs has finally found Non-Hot Mummy's dog tags, which identify him as "Lieutenant Mark Schilz". Kate says that he's not the golfer, as the Clubs of Doom belong to "Lieutenant Lynch". While this has been going on, Ducky has discovered that Non-Hot Mummy is wearing a wedding band. Kate snaps some more photos, as Gibbs sums it all up for us, in case we passed out from the drinking: They have a name, serial number, the TFOA report will lead them to the plane and the squadron. "And we'll crack the secret of the mummy's curse in no time!" sings Abby. Hee. Ducky sighs and snits at her, but Abby is unrepentant. The Dramatic Strings of Geez, Ducky Has A Pole Up His Ass Today escort us into the next scene.

Squad room. Kate tosses a file on Gibbs' desk, and informs him that it's Non-Hot Mummy's service record. Apparently, he was reported missing at sea off the Eisenhower. Gibbs tells her to amend the record, as Non-Hot Mummy is no longer missing. Kate continues, informing Gibbs that the Eisenhower was a day out of Norfolk at the end of a six month deployment in the Mediterranean, and that he went missing on March 4, 1994. Non-Hot Mummy was declared a deserter 30 days later and received a dishonourable discharge. Gibbs wonders about that, and Kate continues her exposition tango, noting that Non-Hot Mummy was charged in absentia with theft of government property. "The cargo pod," Gibbs suggests wryly, but no. "$1.2 million out of the Eisenhower's safe," Kate tells him. Non-Hot Mummy was the disbursing officer on the ship. Gibbs wanders over to read the file over Kate's shoulder as Tony waltzes into the squad room, bellowing about his "three riveting hours" spent poring through TFOA reports. He triumphantly begins to explain that he found the aircraft that dropped the pod, but has the wind promptly taken out of his sails as Gibbs and Kate begin reciting the information gleaned from Non-Hot Mummy's service record. Tony gets all creeped out as he thinks they're psychic, or something. They do inform us that Lieutenant Commander Farnsworth was the pilot of the aircraft in question, and Kate mock-reports, "Good news, Commander. It took 10 years but we located your luggage." Heh. Tony, attempting to come up with useful information, tells them that the Clubs of Doom belonged to Lieutenant Lynch, which we actually already knew, but what we didn't know was that Lieutenant Lynch was Farnsworth's "RIO." Kate helpfully demands an explanation of that acronym, which Tony tells us means "Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBS, one 'B'. Short for 'Guy in Back'." Kate wonders why Gibbs needs two "B's". Gibbs, not missing a beat, tells her the second one stands for "Bastard". Ha! Cheap joke, but I like it. Then again, I've also consumed vast quantities of vodka, so don't mind me. Where was I? Right. Gibbs wonders what other information Tony has, and Tony tells him that the VF-212 flew off the Eisenhower for Pax River the day before "she" docked at Norfolk. There is some blather between Kate and Tony about why the ship is called "she" when it's named after Dwight Eisenhower, but it's not funny, even to me right now, and it's not important and I've just wasted far too much time talking about it as it is. Anyway, Gibbs notes that the VF-212's flight path took them over lower Maryland. Tony, over at the plasma, says that that is where they lost the pod. Since no-one on the ground "reported being whacked on the head", the Navy did a half-assed search and wrote it off. Gibbs asks if this was in the spring of 1994. Tony laughs and comes up with various ways Gibbs might know that, until Kate tells him about the service record. Gibbs and Kate fill Tony in on the whole money-stealing disbursing officer caper, and Gibbs expresses doubt about Non-Hot Mummy attempting to escape in the pod, saying that the air is "cold and thin at 30,000 feet. He'd know that." Then he wonders where the money is, noting that it wasn't in the pod or Abby would be up there having hysterics. Or suddenly tendering her resignation. Kate tells Gibbs that the money was never found. Gibbs assigns chores to the kids: Tony is to find the onboard NCIS special agent from 1994, and Kate is to track down the wife. Gibbs heads off, as Ducky's voice over takes us to the morgue.

Morgue. Ducky describes the Non-Hot Mummy as "20 to 25, approximately 5'7". The facial bone structure indicates Nordic descent." Gibbs and Ducky hover over Non-Hot Mummy's autopsy table, and Gibbs flips his folder open to confirm that Ducky's assessment matches Non-Hot Mummy's description. Gibbs notes that Non-Hot Mummy joined up before the DNA database was intitated, and we get a Non-Hot Mummy POV as Ducky leans over and tells Non-Hot Mummy that he'll have to be identified by his "smile." Ducky turns back to Gibbs to note that Non-Hot Mummy was in "remarkable" condition, all things considered. His jaw was fractured, post-mortem, by a Nine Iron of Doom, or possibly a Sand Wedge of Doom. Gibbs couldn't give a rat's ass about the post-mortem stuff, he just wants to know how Non-Hot Mummy died. Ducky chides him for this, reminding him of a case four years ago "where the young marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck." Now, that is a story I want to hear. Unfortunately, Gibbs puts a stop to this. "Duck, eight years ago." There is an amusing bit where Ducky misinterprets this as Gibbs meaning the anthill thing was eight years ago. "Four years ago, your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat." Hee! Hee hee hee. Gibbs rolls his eyes in exasperation at this, where I'm still giggling. I'd like to take this opportunity to assure my husband that I have no plans in that direction, by the way. Yet. Anyway, Ducky continues, "And I distinctly remember the ant-eaten marine on that table there when I stitched you up." Gibbs has meanwhile slung an arm around Ducky to steer him back to the table where Non-Hot Mummy rests, and I attempt to stop cackling. Gibbs takes a deep breath and attempts to hold on to the shreds of his patience. He pointedly asks, "Ducky. How did [Non-Hot Mummy]. Die." Ducky informs him that Non-Hot Mummy bled to death. He found "massive internal haemorrhaging," but he doesn't know what caused it. He thinks that "something quite small punctured the chest cavity," but he has to do a CAT scan. Gibbs wonders if that injury couldn't have happened in the pod, but Ducky firmly insists that it didn't. Gibbs realises that Non-Hot Mummy was murdered and then stuffed in the pod. But ... I thought that was why they were so convinced that the prints inside the pod weren't Non-Hot Mummy's? Guh. More vodka. The Dramatic Strings wake up long enough to hurl us all bodily back up to ...

... the squad room. Gibbs is toting another coffee cup, and Kate is convinced that it must be decaf. Gibbs assures us all that he is not a decaf drinking wimp, and Kate wonders if he doesn't get twitchy. Silly Kate. Coffee is to Gibbs as spinach is to Pop-Eye. Now that we've established that Gibbs is a coffee fanatic, we move on to more relevant chatter. Kate is still searching for Mrs Non-Hot Mummy's address, and Gibbs speculates that Non-Hot Mummy must have had an accomplice in his thieving, and that his accomplice decided that he didn't want to share the loot and must have murdered him. Kate wonders if Non-Hot Mummy couldn't have suprised a thief in the act and then been murdered, since she's the soft hearted,naive girl. Gibbs disagrees, since the murderer would then have had to carry the body from the disbursing office to the pod, and it would have been impossible to hide since the ship had 6,000 people on board. Mrs Non-Hot Mummy's address decides to pop up on screen at this point. Mrs Non-Hot Mummy is "remarried and living in Arlington." Kate leaps to her feet and Gibbs unnecessarily instructs Kate to go see her.

Meanwhile Tony is returning from ... wherever, and wonders if it was something he said. This is so they can set up the "joke" running throughout this scene, and if it's all the same to you, I'm going to ignore it. Because it's not funny, even to someone who has consumed vast quantities of ... oh, forget it. Anyway, Tony plants himself in front of Gibbs' desk, sighs and assumes a falsely pained expression. He "mopes" that they'll have to go to Hawaii, since the NCIS special agent onboard in 1994 is now stationed at Pearl Harbour. This guff goes on for far too long until Gibbs shuts down Tony's crap by glaring, and Tony suggests videoconferencing. They get to more relevant blather, as Tony wonders if Gibbs knows the agent ("Richard Owens"). Gibbs does not. Tony must be hungy, because he swallows his foot with one gulp by noting that it's not surprising Gibbs and Owens don't know each other, since Owens is "considerably" younger than Gibbs. Gibbs, upon hearing that Owens is currently 37, growls that "considerably" is not an accurate description. Tony fecklessly wonders how old Gibbs is. Gibbs growls menacingly that it doesn't matter how old he is. Tony foolishly continues in this vein for a bit, until Gibbs shuts him up by demanding to see the file. The Dramatic Strings of Wacky Ageing chime in as Gibbs attempts to read the file, and has to hold it at arms' length and close under his lamp to read it. Tony, clearly feeling extra stupid or suicidal today, points out that after 40, the eyesight is the first thing to go. The Dramatic Strings of Wacky Ageing continue as Gibbs shoots Tony a Look of Death, shutting Tony up, and haltingly reads aloud from the file: "Night of the robbery, there was a report of a man overboard." Gibbs' delivery is stiled, intercut with some stammering and peering, and Tony attempting to restrain himself from making a fatal remark, and I chuckle in spite of myself. Or because of the ... nevermind. "Aft watch spotted a life vest beacon in the carrier wake," Gibbs continues, wisely ignoring me, Tony and the Dramatic Strings of Wacky Ageing. "[Non-Hot Mummy's] shoes were found in the fold full of scrapped life vests." Tony jumps in here, noting that the Navy presumed that Non-Hot Mummy robbed the disbursing office, faked falling overboard and then hid out until the carrier docked. The Dramatic Strings have switched off the "wacky" during this part of the exposition, signifiying possible relevant information. Or a red herring. Gibbs wonders how shoes in the hold led to that conclusion. Tony tells him that it was because of Owens' notes, which are located at the back of the file. Gibbs glares at Tony and flips to the back of the file. The Dramatic Strings switch back to "wacky" as Gibbs futzes with the file and moves the lamp around, then continues reading. "[Non-Hot Mummy] must have eluded the night watch and slipped over the side without his shoes to swim ashore." Gibbs hurls the file, exasperated, at Tony and rubs his eyes. "Eye strain," Tony foolishly notes, as the Dramatic Strings of Wacky Ageing and Dude, He Is So Going to KILL YOU play out on the soundtrack. Gibbs glares, again, some more, as the Dramatic Strings decide they've had enough of this crap and escort us to Mrs Non-Hot Mummy's house.

The Dramatic Strings tell us this is a poignant scene, as Mrs Non-Hot Mummy tells us, "Losing [Non-Hot Mummy] at sea was bad enough," as she flips through a photo album, so we can all connect with her loss and feel sad for her, or some shit like that, "but to have him accused of stealing money." Kate watches as Mrs Non-Hot Mummy brings over a tray of tea, because you drink tea when you visit the bereaved. Dudes. Alcohol is best when dealing with the bereaved. Trust me, I know. Anyway, Kate apologises for dredging up a sore subject. Mrs Non-Hot Mummy, a pleasant but bland blonde, demurs, insisting that at least the discovery of her husband's body will put an end to "the vicious gossip." She is clearly convinced of her husband's innocence, and naively believes that finding Non-Hot Mummy will be enough to clear him. Poor, silly Mrs Non-Hot Mummy. Mrs N-HM continues, "There was a rumour that he had started a new life with money and a new woman," as she pours tea. TEA. God. That would be enough for me to abscond with stolen money to start up with someone else, let me tell you. Er. Nevermind. Meanwhile, Kate tactfully asks if there was any basis to that rumour. Mrs N-HM takes this question relatively well, telling Kate that they had only been married a year, so it was a little soon for that sort of thing. Kate agrees that it doesn't seem likely. "No more likely than his being a thief," insists Mrs N-HM. She continues in this vein, insisting that Non-Hot Mummy was a good man and loooooved the Navy. Dude. EVERYONE loves the military on this show. Like, is Bellisario getting kickbacks from the military? Perhaps as a recruiting tool? Or maybe not, since so many military people die horribly on the show, as well as the love part. Where was I? Right, vodka. I mean, recap. Anyway, Mrs N-HM is all excited, as surely Non-Hot Mummy will be cleared now, right? Kate non-committally tells her that the investigation has been reopened. Mrs N-HM persists, saying that whoever took the money murdered Non-Hot Mummy. Kate says that's "a very real possibility." She should work for the UN, you guys! Mrs N-HM continues with the naive spouse thing, positing that surely "he wouldn't have even been in that tank unless someone put him there." Kate smiles kindly and changes the subject, asking about Mrs N-HM's new marriage. Mrs N-HM says that after six years, she had Non-Hot Mummy declared dead. "Randy helped me move on." Randy? Ha! Hahahahaha!!! Ahem. Sorry. Mrs Randy (what? It's easier to type!) bitches that the Navy didn't send a flag for Non-Hot Mummy's memorial service. But what really chaps her hide is that because of the dishonourable discharge, she is not entitled to benefits. She insists that she doesn't mind so much for herself, but the money would be really useful to send her kid to college. Because God knows American kiddies can use all the education they can get. Oh, ow! Sorry! Sorry, I have no idea where that came from. Kate is all sympathetic. You know she's going to be all gung-ho for Non-Hot Mummy's innocence now, right? Right. Anyway, the Dramatic Strings finally wake up as Mrs Randy tells us that Non-Hot Mummy called the morning her kid, Alicia (aw) was born, and that was the last time she spoke to him. It was also the day Non-Hot Mummy disappeared. Hmm. Do the Dramatic Strings think this is poignant, or a plot point?

The Dramatic Strings shut up long enough for us to stumble over to MTAC, where Gibbs and Tony are videoconferencing with Agent Owens, who ruefully admits he "would never have guessed [Non-Hot Mummy] flew off that ship." Gibbs rather acidly notes that he doesn't think it was [Non-Hot Mummy's] idea. Owens reiterates that he was sure Non-Hot Mummy swum ashore with the cash. Owens is also wearing an Hawaiian shirt, so he is clearly lacking in credibility. Owens bitches that that case is the "only blotch on [his] record for 12 years." Gibbs is still in pissy mode, and notes that it didn't "do much for [Non-Hot Mummy's] record, either," as Tony resists the urge to smirk. Heh. That's pretty much all Tony does in this scene - try not to laugh as Owens gets a Very Special Gibbs Smackdown. Owens insists that Non-Hot Mummy stole the money. Gibbs bitchily wonders where the hell the money is, then. Owens doesn't know, but it sure as hell isn't on the carrier. "We searched every inch of it for him and the cash." Gibbs is mystified. The Eisenhower apparently docked the next day, so Owens couldn't have searched for all that long. Owens pretends not to recall how long they searched. Tony, reading the file, mutters "Two days," at Gibbs. Aw, teamwork! Gibbs wonders who searched. The entire crew, says Owens. It was like a treasure hunt! Whee! Owens gets pissy. Gibbs wonders "how [Owens] managed to search every inch of a 95,000 ton, 24 storey tall, 1,094 foot long aircraft carrier in two days." Heh. During this spiel, Tony is trying not to crack up and simultaneously conceal his amazement at the statistics, and Owens is getting shifty. Owens protests that they couldn't keep the crew longer than two days. They'd been at sea for six months, so presumably they had other things on their minds, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. "Their families were waiting dockside," growls Owens. Oh. That's not what I meant. Well, kinda. Nevermind. Gibbs chews him out because he clearly didn't search "every inch", and that as far as Owens knows, the money could still be on board. Owens asserts that it isn't. "Another assumption, Agent Owens?" bites Gibbs. Owens attempts to shut Gibbs down. Gibbs responds by noting that the Eisenhower will be back in Norfolk for weekend liberty. "Be there. 0700, Saturday," he orders. Heh. There goes his weekend in Hawaii! Owens attempts to protest, but Gibbs cuts him off and storms off, followed by Tony. Tony wants to know how Gibbs knew all the dimensions of the carrier. "Read 'em," Gibbs replies airily. Hee.

Garage. Abby is standing by the pod, which has been put back together so that Abby could study it in one piece. She's found "something hinky." She explains that the pod is attached to the Tomcat by way of two metal hooks. When the pilot wants to drop the pod, he flips a switch and the hooks disengage. Abby explains further that "the forward and aft ejectors fire and kick it off the wing." Tony says that according to the TFOA report, the pilot didn't flip the switch. He wonders if the pilot lied. He did not, says Abby. "If he had popped it, the ejectors would have made dents in the pod." There are no such dents. Tony muses, over some stock footage of the pod falling to earth, that if Non-Hot Mummy had been alive when the pod went flying, it would have been one hell of a ride. Abby and Gibbs pull faces at each other and say something in sign language. Tony bitches. Abby tells Gibbs to check out the holes. Gibbs notes that the holes are scratched. Abby explains that to remove a pod on deck, "you insert a key into the MXU rack and turn it." She continues that if you turned the key part way, that would leave the pod hanging by the tips of the hooks on the rack ... "It should tear loose on the cat shot and leave marks like these on the holes," finishes Gibbs. Don't ask me what a cat shot is. My cat, sitting on my feet as I type, glared at Gibbs when he said that, by the way. True story. Anyway, Abby gets all gleeful. "Except, the Mummy's curse was working, so the tips held on to the pod until it was over Maryland." Tony reminds her that there was no mummy 10 years ago, so how was there a curse. Yeah, and I thought it was eight years ago? Hi, writers? If my drunken ass can pick that up, how did you presumably sober people miss it? Not to mention, according to IMDB, this episode aired 14 October 2003. So, that's nine and a half years, at most. Shut up, writers. Anway, Abby tells Tony that the curse is a chicken and egg thing.

Kate chooses this moment to burst out of the elevator, babbling excitedly about her visit to Mrs Randy and their adorable child. There is some predictable horndog action from Tony when he hears that Mrs Randy was "beautiful." Kate bitches, also predictably. She says the kid is nine years old. Okay, I'll let them have that one. Anyway, Gibbs gets things back on track, asking Kate for her report. Kate excitedly tells him about the call to Mrs Randy from the carrier. Kate exposits, as the Dramatic Strings burble in the background, that Mrs Randy gave birth at Bethseda Naval Hospital. Gibbs notes that it was a big deal to call home from a ship in '94. Therefore, there will be a record of the call. Kate has already looked into this. She has found a record of Non-Hot Mummy calling the hospital from the Eisenhower "at 0533 on the fourth of March, 1994, and the call lasted 12 minutes." Gibbs asks Tony what time "the schmuck's" (heh) report says the robbery took place. Tony replies that it happened between "2100 hours, March 3, when the office was secured, and 0700 on the fourth." Kate is crestfallen that the call did not clear Non-Hot Mummy after all, while Tony continues that the safe was opened by the assistant disbursing officer, Ensign Wiles. This surprises Kate. "Wiles? Randy Wiles?" Tony laughs, saying she won't fool him this time. "You read this report," he says. "No, Mrs [Randy] told you." Kate is all, yeah, actually. But! It turns out that Mrs Randy did not know that Randy (snicker) was her husband's shipmate. The Dramatic Strings are intrigued.

The Dramatic Strings are excited, for they are getting some Eisenhower action. Stock footage of cranes, uh, doing craney stuff on a big damn ship. Tony is writing some notes as Owens bitches about the cold. Then he bitches about Gibb's apparent tardiness. Dude, don't do that. Gibbs could materialise right behind you! But he doesn't. Tony isn't paying much attention, and upon closer inspection, actually appears to be doing a crossword. Owens bitches and bitches and whines some more, until he foolishly says "It's like I'm cursed." Tony is amused, and babbles about Abby, and how she's goth, while Owens glares. Tony abruptly changes the subject, wondering how old Owens thinks Gibbs is. Owens couldn't give a rat's ass, and wow, that was a pointless scene.

Firing range. Yeah, baby. We hear someone yell "Pull!" and I snicker like the gutter-minded former Catholic schoolgirl I am. The shooter, who we quickly discover is Randy, hits his target and Gibbs appears behind him, complimenting his shooting. Randy wonders if Gibbs and Kate are there to shoot. "I hope not," smiles Gibbs, identifying himself and Kate. "Randy Wiles?" wonders Gibbs. His tone leads me to think Gibbs thinks that's a stupid name, too. Randy turns to head inside, as Kate asks "Formerly Ensign Randy Wiles?" Randy says that he saw the news, and that he already told everything he knows about Non-Hot Mummy "years ago". Thank God he didn't put a number there. Gibbs points out that Randy didn't tell anyone that he was going to marry Non-Hot Mummy's wife. The Dramatic Strings are curious about that, too. Randy is nervous. "You talked to [Mrs Randy]?" Kate says that she did, and finds it odd that Mrs Randy never mentioned that Randy and Non-Hot Mummy were shipmates. Randy admits that Mrs Randy never knew that, and walks behind the counter of the shop. Gibbs is incredulous. Randy says they met at Non-Hot Mummy's memorial service. "What did you say?" Gibbs wonders sarcastically, "'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in'?" Heh. Randy lamely admits that that was essentially it. Huh. I'd be skeeved by that myself, but perhaps it's an American thing. Randy says that he feared that if Mrs Randy knew that he knew Non-Hot Mummy, she would ask questions he couldn't answer. "Bounce," says Kate. Yeah, pretty much, says Randy. Gibbs is all, the hell? Kate explains the plot, which I'm not going to bother with, because I hate Gwyneth Paltrow. Macrobiotic moron. Who calls their kid "Apple", for crying out loud? Is she secretly a bogan? Why am I asking stupid questions? Anyway, once Kate finishes her mercifully brief recap of the film, Randy says "That's what happened to me." Kate believes him. Gibbs is dismissive. "Of course you believe him, it's a chick flick." Ha! Kate eyerolls as Gibbs continues, "In a guy flick, you steal the money, you set [Non-Hot Mummy] up to take the fall, you murder him and you marry his wife." Randy thinks that's sick. So does Kate. Her disgusted expression amuses me. Gibbs patiently explains to her that once she has been on the job "more than a month" she will figure out there are many sick people around. Considering she was in the Secret Service, she's coming across as pretty damn naive. I blame the writers. Anyway, Gibbs asks "Are you one of those [sickos], Randy?" Hee. His delivery of the name is hilarious. He really hates that name. Randy protests that his day job is managing the firing range, by night he's a freelance accountant. He and the wife are renting, Alicia attends public school and he has a crappy old car. "Now, do you think I'd live like that if I had a million bucks?" Gibbs concedes that Randy was better off in the Navy. Randy is all, pffft. The Navy cleared him of involvement, but they didn't trust him. Gibbs changes the subject, asking about the disbursing clerk, Petty Officer Toner. Toner?? Well, we know what her nickname is going to be. Anyway, Gibbs notes that she also left the Navy. "They pass her over?" he wants to know. "Erin enlisted to catch an officer," Randy says disdainfully. Gibbs and Kate exchange a Look.

"[Photocopier] was a hottie, if you know what I mean," voice overs Owens as we cut back to the Eisenhower. Owens and Tony are going down some stairs to ... somewhere, presumably the disbursing office. Gibbs has now teleported on board, and wonders if Owens investigated the hottie. "It's in my report," says Owens shortly. "So was the assumption that [Non-Hot Mummy] left his shoes on board so he could swim ashore," Gibbs replies pointedly. They all choose this moment so a sailor dragging a bright orange mailbag can get through the doorway. Did you see that? Bright orange bag? Dragged over a kneeknocker? Do you think that might be important later? Anyway, Owens bitches that that wasn't in his report. No, says Gibbs, but it was in his notes. Owens bitches, some more, that he didn't think the Navy would be reading his notes. "You didn't think about anything except getting ashore," Gibbs snots back. Owens protests that Gibbs is being unfair. Gibbs thinks that there is nothing fair about convicting a guy "in absentia" for a sloppy investigation. Owens does not back down, insisting that Non-Hot Mummy was the only one who could have committed the robbery. Randy was in an all-night poker game, and "Erin" was in her quarters. Gibbs silently note the use of Photocopier's first name, as Tony wonders how Owens is so sure. Owens explains that that was the first cruise where females were deployed at sea. "If they weren't in chow or at work, they were in female country. The Navy ran that area like it was a sorority," he says, "No men allowed." Gibbs is not letting Owens off the hook, betting that Owens merely took her word for it. "How many women got pregnant on that cruise?" he wonders snidely. Heh. Apparently, the answer to that is "quite a few". Tony guesses that "the house mothers weren't on top of the log book." Heh. Kate interrupts the proceedings by calling Gibbs from her car, letting Gibbs know that Farnsworth and Lynch "died in a ramp strike two years ago. I won't say it sounds like Abby's curse of the mummy, but ..." Heh. Gibbs rightly notes that if they were still in the Navy two years ago, they weren't involved in the robbery. There is a bit of back and forth about whether they were Non-Hot Mummy's accomplices or killers, with Kate of course being of the view that Non-Hot Mummy was innocent. She wants him cleared so that Mrs Randy and Alicia can get "the death benefits they deserve." Gibbs is all, Jesus, you soft bitch. Heh. Anyway, he wants to know where Photocopier is these days. Kate has tracked her down to West Chester, PA, and is on her way to have a girly chat. Gibbs abruptly hangs up on her, and bitches at Tony to not even dream of mentioning the curse. Tony insists that he wouldn't. Owens, probably relieved to have the heat momentarily off of him, points out Tony did in fact mention it. Heh.

Cut to a golf club. Auuugh! Anyway, Photocopier, wearing a stupid golfing outfit, flirtily compliments some old guy on his swing, and goes to tee off, wriggling her miniskirted ass at the guys as she does so. Tramp. Kate wanders up and yells her name just as she swings, distracting her. Photocopier bitches. Kate smiles sweetly. Heh. Catfight! Old guy snits at Kate, wondering how the hell she got in to their little hellhole, I mean, golf club. Kate flashes her badge and gun.

We then teleport over to a cafe area as Photocopier expresses shock that Non-Hot Mummy has been dead all this time. I mean, "shock". She's so syrupy I'm going into a diabetic coma just listening to her. "I always imagined him on some beach in Mexico, sipping margaritas." Mmm, margaritas. I nearly had one just last night, but the bar staff at the little pub I was at didn't know what they were. Ha! Fortunately they did know what a vodka and tonic was. Jesus. Anyway, Kate gives her the fisheye, asking if Photocopier believes Non-Hot Mummy stole the loot. Photocopier is all, who else? Since he and Randy were the only ones with the combination, and Randy was playing poker all night and all. Kate reaches for her waterglass, dropping the lemon slice into it and noting that if that's the case, then Non-Hot Mummy's accomplice made off with the money instead. She gives Photocopier a pointed look, and Photocopier smirks around her straw. She notes that Kate is hardly being subtle here. She points out that Kate has seen her house, which is apparently "nice," and there's the country club, "also nice," and she didn't marry money. She takes the opportunity to smile at a passing "gentleman", and adds smugly, "Yet." Well, she's honest about the greed, I'll give her that. Anyway, Photocopier points out that she also didn't inherit anything from the "losers in [her] family," so therefore it's easy to assume she must have stolen the money. "Well, either that or you won the lottery," laughs Kate. Photocopier fake laughs back. "$2 million," she leers. Kate is all, the hell? Photocopier pulls out a laminated ticket, which she carries for good luck. Kate rightly points out that Photocopier could easily have laminated a losing ticket. Photocopier fake laughs some more. "Come on home with me, honey," she says patronisingly. "I'll show you the write-up from the Canton Gazette. It was too big to laminate though. I had to have it framed." Kate stares at her. "Let's go," she says. The smirk slips a little from Photocopier's face, as an anvil hurtles through my roof to crash to the floor, scaring the hell out of the cat. Damn. I don't think my insurance covers that.

Meanwhile, Abby has wandered into the morgue, spotted Ducky with a golf club and bellows, "Fore!" Ducky ducks for cover. She giggles as he scolds her. Abby apologises, as she didn't realise he would freak out. "Well, it's an automatic reflex when one is a golfer, Abigail," Ducky barks. Abby resents being called Abigail. "Then don't yell 'fore' when I have a niblick in my hand," snits Ducky. Abby and I wonder what the hell a niblick is, with Abby thinking it sounds like a "sex act". Heh. I pause to wonder what kind, and have to immediately pour bleach in my ear. While I'm so occupied, Ducky chuckles that "that's what [he] thought when [he] first heard the term. A niblick is what a nine iron used to be called when golf was the province of Scottish nobles, not the democratic "lovely walk spoiled" by the weekend duffers." I learn so much trivia watching this show. Ducky mimes a swing as Abby wonders if Non-Hot Mummy was killed "by a niblick to the kidney." Nope, says Ducky. According to the CAT scan, he was killed by a "puncture wound to the chest cavity, caused by a thin, sharp object that perforated the pericardial sac and then penetrated the heart." Just say he was stabbed, for God's sake. Abby wonders what he's up to with the niblick, then. Ducky explains that he's trying to figure out what caused certain "hair fractures to the pelvis and lumbar vertebrae," but he doesn't think that the niblick did it. Don't be so sure. Golf is evil, I tell you! Abby wonders if it was the fall and subsequent crash. Ducky says no. He found faint traces of bleeding on the CAT scan, so the injuries occurred either right before or right after death. He wonders if Abby didn't find anything in the relevant areas of Non-Hot Mummy's uniform. Abby did not, but admits that she wasn't looking that hard. Sloppy, Abby. Very sloppy. Of course, if she wasn't, the episode would have been over a couple of scenes ago. Ducky suggests she "look closely, my dear." Abby leans in and purrs, "Of course, my darling." There is much grinning and wriggling of eyebrows. I just wish he would stop waving that damn golf club around.

Eisenhower. Disbursing office. Some guy with glasses is making a withdrawal as he notes that the robbery is a "legend" on the ship, and that the possibility of the money still being on the ship will spark something of a treasure hunt. Dude. Stop stealing my lines. He wanders off as Gibbs asks Owens if being there brings back fond memories. It does not, apparently. We have a flashback montage as Owens voices over that the safe hadn't been jimmied, as flashback Owens examines the safe. Owens VO continues as we see him questioning Randy and Photocopier, with Photocopier smirking (natch) seductively and Owens eyeing her appreciatively. Apparently they confirmed that nothing was missing but the cash. Gibbs finally calls Owens on his use of Photocopier's first name, wondering if something was going on between them. Owens denies this emphatically. Tony points out that Owens called her "a hottie." Owens reminds Gibbs that they "aren't allowed to fraternise with enlisted females, you know that." Gibbs beats Owens over the head with, "You're not allowed to put assumptions in reports, either." Owens barely restrains the eyeroll as he snits that Gibbs has made his point. The Dramatic Strings finally come back to us as Owens admits that he blew it, but insists he wasn't "screwing around with Erin. She had something going on with one of the airmen." Ding! Gibbs smirks. "That wasn't in your report." "It didn't seem relevant," Owens replies, with an hilarious, "oh, fuck. Me" tone of voice as he takes in Gibbs' and Tony's expressions. "Name," says Gibbs quietly. "Martinez. Petty Officer Ted Martinez," says Owens. Tony oozes over to some blonde at a workstation and "charmingly" eases her out of her chair so he can use her computer. She smiles giddily and complies. Bint. Tony taps away as Owens wonders if Gibbs thinks Martinez is involved. Gibbs doesn't know, but "since it was his hottie working here, you should have looked into him." Owens sighs. "You're right, sir," he says shamefacedly. "Do not 'sir' me. I work for a living," mutters Gibbs. Heh. However, he does seem to be satisfied that Owens has finally admitted his fuck up. Fortunately for Owens, Gibbs' phone rings again. It's Kate. She fills him in on Photocopier's luxury living and apparent lotto win. She's seen the ticket and newspaper clippings, and this part confuses me somewhat - don't those write ups usually say how much the person won? Perhaps Contrivance was the reporter who interviewed Photocopier. Anyway, Kate notes that the State Lottery Board is closed, but she intends to check first thing in the morning. Gibbs hangs up on her again. Kate is cranky.

Meanwhile, Tony's computer search has dug up some info on Martinez, and the Dramatic Strings are pleased. He's an "Aviation Machinist's Mate, Second Class. Honourable discharge June 2, 1994. A lot of sailors left the Navy in June of 94," Tony finishes, presumably referring to Randy and Photocopier. Gibbs notes that Martinez was "working the flight deck." "Petty Officer Second. Probably a plane captain," Owens says. Gibbs and Tony share a Meaningful Look. Owens wants to know what's up. Gibbs wonders who would have had the ability to "stuff a body into a cargo pod?" Anyone on the flight deck, says Owens. Gibbs wants to know who is most likely. "You're asking me to make an assumption, Agent Gibbs," snaps Owens. Heh. "I'm not asking you to write it down," growls Gibbs. Tony smirks. Owens complies. "The pilot, the RIO, the plane captain." Tony taps away some more as Gibbs leans over his shoulder. Tony tells Gibbs not to strain his eyes. Ha ha. Not. Gibbs agrees and headslaps him. Anyway, guess what? Martinez was the plane captain on the clumsy pod-dropping Tomcat. Dun!

Lab. Abby has found an orange fiber. Gosh, I wonder where that came from? Anyway, Gibbs enters and they establish that the fibers came from the areas on the uniform corresponding with Non-Hot Mummy's hairline fractures. They establish that it's a synthetic fiber, and wonder what's orange on a ship. A mailbag? No. They're thinking life vests. Sigh. Gibbs wonders if Abby matched the prints on the pod to Martinez. Yup, but one didn't. Abby is comparing it against all Navy personnel who served between 1990 and 1994. Gibbs wonders if a name and serial number would help with the matching process. Abby is all, well, DUH.

Squad room. Owens woahs at the gadgets. Gibbs enters and wonders why Owens is still there. Owens hems and haws, and basically admits he wants to help correct his fuck up. Gibbs asks him if he can use a database, and assigns him to tracking down Martinez. Tony protests that that is what he is doing. Gibbs doesn't care. He's going for coffee. Tony snarkily asks Owens if they have computers at Pearl. Owens blithely agrees, but they have them on the beach so they can surf during breaks. The thought of breaks, or surfing on breaks, is enough to make Tony shut up. Owens smiles and gets to work. Scene.

Squad room. Again. It's now day, and Kate enters with coffee, wondering at Owens' continued presence, while Gibbs and Tony snore away. Gibbs is woken by the scent of coffee, and asks what Owens has found. Tony wakes, his hair looking all kinds off ass, and Owens and Tony take turns rattling off Martinez's whereabouts since he left the Navy and generally acting like small boys. The Dramatic Strings are more amused by their antics than I am. The only really interesting details are that he was with a woman, and then he suddenly wasn't, and then he vanished. Gibbs tells them to check where he was from, as people often go home when they separate. Gibbs then departs to hit the head.

Lab. Gibbs stops in to check on Abby's progress with the print. And he's brought her coffee. Aw. Abby has not found a perfect match, but, "if my life depended on it, I'd say it was her right middle finder that made that." Hmm. Guess who? Gibbs is pleased. Meanwhile, Abby has established that the fiber is not from a life preserver as they are made from different material. Gibbs finally has a lightbulb moment, flashing back to the mailback being dragged over that kneeknocker. He tells Abby and bolts. Abby declares this to be "cool." I declare this to be "way overdue."

Squad room. Kate is on the phone to the Lottery Board. Gibbs returns as she finishes up her call, and as it happens, Photocopier DID hit the lottery: for $37,000. Nice! Kate is pleased, for now they know that Photocopier and Martinez stole the money, not Non-Hot Mummy. Tony reminds her that incriminating the other two means no such thing, as Non-Hot Mummy could have helped them. "She could've played him," Tony points out. Kate isn't having it. Tony tells her that unless they get a confession from Martinez or Photocopier, they can't exonerate Non-Hot Mummy. Kate is all, well, I'll just make them confess, damn it! Gibbs is sceptical. He wonders how she's going to pull that off. The Dramatic Strings want to know that, too. Kate doesn't know how she's going to do it. But she will! So, neener neener. And neener. Owens chooses this moment to join in, as he's just found out that Martinez was murdered in a Peidras Negras motel. "My God. She's a black widow," says Kate. Tony is confused, because Photocopier wasn't married. Everyone else glares until he gets it, then Gibbs breaks out into a grin, saying "We got her." He instructs Kate to go to Pennsylvania and bring Photocopier in. Kate is all, how? I can't arrest her, right? Gibbs is all, nope, sweetpea. Use your imagination, cause she's gotta come in voluntarily. Kate looks befuddled as the Dramatic Strings brace themselves before heading over to ...

... the Golf Course of Doom. Photocopier, in another stupid golf outfit, chuckles as she putts, wondering why she would "do that," by which I presume she means take a trip to NCIS Headquarters. Kate tells her they matched Martinez's prints to the pod, and "informing" Photocopier that Martinez was the captain of the Tomcat that dropped the pod. Photocopier too-casually wonders that they can get prints 10 years after the fact. Aaaauugh! Kate confirms this, and runs through the scenario they've come up with, leaving out the part about the accomplice, of course. Photocopier pretends to be vague on knowing Martinez. Kate explains that they think Martinez is hiding in Mexico, and they need Photocopier's help with a recreation of the crime to build a strong case for extradition. Photocopier wonders why they need her. Kate pretends they can't find Randy and Photocopier is the only other person who worked in disbursing. Photocopier smells a rat. Kate is all sweetness and light, claiming she merely wants to clear Non-Hot Mummy so Mrs Randy can get death benefits. Photocopier couldn't give a shit, and tells Kate they should play the lottery. Heh. She goes to stalk off, but Kate stops her, threatening to call her back to the Navy. Photocopier stops dead in her tracks, protesting that Kate can't do that. The Dramatic Strings are loving the bitchy smackdown, as Kate pulls some paper from her bag. "These are orders recalling you to active duty as a material witness in a capital offence." Photocopier glares as Kate continues, "All I gotta do is ink 'em, honey, and your ass is back in the Navy." Heh. Photocopier is wicked pissed.

Squad room. We see a digital recreation of stick figure Non-Hot Mummy on the phone to his wife. He performs a little heel-click after the call, which Abby threw in to indicate Non-Hot Mummy's excitement about fatherhood. Hee. They then run through stick figure Non-Hot Mummy being forced at knifepoint by stick figure Martinez to clear the safe, then being stabbed and stuffed in the pod. Kate wonders what Photocopier thinks. Photocopier has changed into a cleavage enhancing red dress, all the better to ensure we get that she's a naughty, manipulative lady. Anyway, Photocopier thinks they "could use some help from Disney." Oh, and you can pretty much assume she's sneering for most of her dialogue, by the way. Abby protests, saying she wasn't finished with it. Gibbs tells Photocopier that they wanted to make sure they had the right scenario first. Photocopier says it works for her. Unfortunately, it doesn't work for Gibbs. He's thinking that Non-Hot Mummy would have known that Martinez would kill him, so how did Martinez get him to walk quietly through those busy hallways to the flight deck? The Dramatic Strings of Geez, Lady, Just Confess Already, I'm About To Get Alcohol Poisoining cue up as Gibbs tells her, "Martinez had to kill him in disbursing. But, how did he move him to the pod if he was dead?" Photocopier's sneer slips a little. "He couldn't," she says. "Ah, but he could, my dear," Ducky tells her. He explains about the hairline fractures and the fibers. Gibbs says he saw an orange mailbag being dragged over kneeknockers when he visited the ship. He gives her a speculative look, but Photocopier is maintaining the sneer, as the plasma dings loudly, showing a fingerprint match. Gibbs glances at it and gestures dismissively, saying they'll get to that later. Heh. Evil bastard. They get back to it, with Gibbs expositing that if Martinez stuffed Non-Hot Mummy in a mailbag and dragged it across the ship, still somebody would have had to have noticed it. "And that's when I remembered how you used to turn heads when you walked by," Owens jumps in. Photocopier has had enough. "I'm outta here," she sneers (natch), jumping up from her chair and attempting to stomp off. Kate grabs her arm. "Not till the show's over," she says, shoving Photocopier back into her chair. Abby clicks the remote. A much more sophisticated animation appears of Photocopier walking down the hall, blowing kisses and generally providing a trampy distraction while Martinez drags the mailbag along. "Now, who would have noticed a sailor dragging a mailbag over kneeknockers with you walking by," Gibbs wonders. He smirks as Abby leans down and bitchily asks, "How was that animation?" Hee. Photocopier calmly says it was much better, but it's not evidence. She stands again, and threatens Kate with assault charges if she touches her again. Kate is all, whatever, skank. Photocopier also threatens to sue the rest of the gang for unlawful detainment. Gibbs is all, you're free to go, but as she stomps off, brings up the fingerprint. She pauses, and Gibbs confirms that it's hers. Photocopier is all, big whoop. So you found my print on his uniform? You'll find my print on a lot of uniforms. Gibbs is all, actually, you tramp, we got it from the Federales. Photocopier is all, shit. "Found it on the pistol that killed Martinez in Piedras Negras." Tony stalks up behind Photocopier as her expression continues with the "oh. Shit". Heh. "Two days before you hit the Lotto for $37,000," Gibbs continues. Photocopier is looking seriously wigged as Tony leans over her shoulder to purr that they could extradite her, but that Mexican courts get pissy when "gringos kill one of their own." Gibbs slowly walks towards her, telling her he doesn't know if it was her or Martinez that killed Non-Hot Mummy, and she can tell it any way she likes. "We'll take it down," he finishes, as the Dramatic Strings of Resolution get busy and Tony grins over Photocopier's shoulder. Photocopier is all, worst. Day. Ever.

Elevator, night. Owens notes that in Hawaii, "it takes forever to get anything from the Federales." Same here, says Tony, as Gibbs and Kate grin broadly. Tony pats Owens on the shoulder as they step into the elevator, and Owens is all, wait ... oh, no you didn't as Kate and Tony attempt to look innocent and the Dramatic Strings of Those Wacky Federal Agents! Faking Evidence! take us to the end credits.


Inanimate objects hate children, too

>> Friday, September 26, 2008

Don’t believe me? Well, first there was the attack of the killer fence. Today, palm trees are hurling themselves to earth in order to kill the annoying little bastards.

See? It's not just me! Children really suck!!


Oh. Crap.

I actually feel sorry for this guy ....


Church Wars!

Church Wars - The battle between the Catholics and the Presbyterians has reached a whole new level.
(from CollegeHumor)


Music Men

After listening to [commercial radio station I will not be product placing, since they are not providing me with a fat advertising fee any time soon], I got to thinking about how certain types of music correspond to a certain type of guy. Because I'm lying here bored with a throbbing knee and shredded heels, I have nothing better to do and am feeling bitchy. So there.

So. R'n'B guy. You've got the "sensitive" sounding guy crooning away about how he's so romantic and in loooove and blah blah blah. In the film clip he's usually in some club surrounded by scantily clad babes and mooning over this one particular girl as she dances, or some crap like that. Here's what he wants you to think:

Baby, I'm so soulful and sensitive. I love you! See how I only have eyes for you, and not for any of those other tramps writhing around me? Seriously, I adore you. And I would totally call you the next morning. And I'd cuddle you after. In fact, I'm cool if we just cuddle! Because I respect your feelings! Here, have this teddy bear. It's pink! Gosh, isn't it pretty? Aren't I sweet and romantic? What's that? Oh yeah, punkin. Cuddling. I'm so there! Honest.

And the impression I get? Is this:

I will say anything and act in any way necessary in order to convince you to sleep with me. And I may call you afterwards, just to string you along for a while, but I'm totally not cool with just cuddling, right? Oh, and I'm totally going to bang every skank who hits on me the second your back is turned, until you inevitably find out because I'm not bright enough to cover my tracks, and you'll dump my ass. Then I can write a song about how heartbroken I am, and fool the next poor idiot into sleeping with me to heal my wounds. Awesome!

And then we have rap. Here's what Rap guy wants you to think, as he poses and preens in his film clip with the bikini chicks draping themselves all over him and making sex faces, and guys looking threatening and shit. Oh, and there are often cars:

Dudes. I am so hot. See all these hot bikini babes flocking to me? Yeah. I'm awesome. And I'm fantastic in bed. And rich. Check out my car! And see all those tough looking guys hanging around, giving me props* and those other guys over there who pretend to get in my face, but back down like pussies because me and my crew are so intimidating? Yeah. I'm so awesome. And tough. And look at my bling! I'm loaded! You can't resist me, bitches!

My impression:

I'm pumping myself up to make myself seem manly and tough. But I am in fact incredibly insecure and lame. I'm also terrible in bed. I'd be lucky to last 20 seconds, and I don't know where the clitoris is. And I don't care. And I'll dump you the next day, if not immediately after the deed is done. But I'm hoping that you're impressed by all the babes who are in fact paid to hang with me, so you'll be interested, if only on the off chance expensive gifts might make it worth your while. And those tough guys? I pay them to act like I'm tough and cool. And those guys who got scared off? Just pretending. I paid them too. God, I suck. But if you're dumb enough to go for R'n'B guy, I might just have a shot, right? The car is a rental, by the way.

Jesus. Of course, grunge was all about poor, tortured, angsty guys but at least you KNOW they're all massive sluts - there's just the off chance that you might have one hell of a fun night with them. Just make sure you use protection, because God knows where they've been (cough Courtney Love cough). They're the guys you do after you've gone through R'n'B guy or Rap guy (also known as "valuable educational experiences", and if you had both, you should be beaten violently about the head. That's okay. I'll wait), just for the fun of it.

I could mention Techno guy, but really? Does that need ANY explanation at all?

*Yes, I know. I can't speak "black", or whatever. I'm sorry.


Why I don't comment on current affairs anymore

>> Friday, September 12, 2008

Because it's too damn depressing, is why. For one thing? Hopping about the SMH this afternoon while waiting to escape from work (I like my job, but not enough that the end of the day can't come fast enough on a Friday!), I found this story - which totally grossed me out, but unfortunately, perhaps given my own religious upbringing, caused me no surprise whatsoever. Then, there was the insanely tragic stupidity of this story. Ye gods.

However, I was delighted to read this story - and those of you who may have read this blog way back in the day will know that I am thrilled at the prospect of either seeing that asshat Leo Silvestri finally cop a bollocking (what? I can fantasise!), or at the very least, have the opportunity to rant and bitch and make voodoo dolls of him. Cockhead.


Bad Idea Jeans, Part 3

>> Friday, August 22, 2008

An email from the DVD Queen confirms that the dumb continues:

"You may be amused to find out that [Misguided] had an appointment with a dietician yesterday morning and didn't come in until 9.45. She walked in after lunch today with a plastic bag containing a bottle of coke, a packet of chips, two bags of lollies and a chocolate bar and has been eating her way through everything since she got back. I think we need her dietician!"



A link here and there

>> Wednesday, August 20, 2008

I'm too sleep deprived and incoherent to write anything particularly interesting or witty. But luckily for you, gentle readers (hee! "Readers". I crack me up), I found some people who did:

I read this, which I can really relate to (her other stuff is also the funny), and then I read this, which cracked me up even more.

So, what the hell are you still doing here?


NCIS: The Immortals

>> Wednesday, August 13, 2008

We open on a lovely ocean setting, complete with luxury boat. Unfortunately, we soon arrive at the boat and meet the moronic pre-credits goons. Two couples are drinking beer and are either listening to reggae, or the Dramatic Strings are just resting up. They toast and collapse onto some couches. One drunken obnoxious idiot wants to go diving. The other guy is worried about sharks. The drunken, obnoxious guy, aka Brad, scoffs that sharks eat seals, not this "hard body". Brad, honey. You're not hot. At all. So shut up. He grabs a snorkel and dives, while I futilely pray for Jaws to show up. I am, as always, cruelly disappointed, so I settle for sullenly glaring and wondering how the hell Brad is staying underwater so long on one breath. I slap myself for asking stupid questions while watching TV, just as Brad discovers a guy in a Navy uniform at the bottom of the reef, held down by weights chained to his waist. We take in the weights and his pretty gold sword as Brad scoots for surface, unfortunately not managing to drown on the way.

Credits. Boogie!

We open in the squad room, on a close up of the drowned sailor's service record and Kate's chest. No comment. Gibbs notes that the body was in the water for less than 24 hours, and that "NAS Key West tagged and bagged and shipped it over." Tony wonders if they have an ID, and given that we just saw his service record, I'd say we do, Tony. Gibbs ignores me for some exposition, telling everyone that the Navy guy's name is "Seaman Russell MacDonald. Nineteen. Assigned to the USS Foster." Kate proudly identifies the ship as a "Destroyer. Spruance class." Tony and Gibbs exclaim over her knowledge. Kate smirks slightly (and, for some reason, she is smirking at something somewhere above Gibbs' head) as Gibbs continues that the "USS Foster left Roosevelt Roads Naval Station two days ago en route to Norfolk." He approaches the plasma, which shows a map of the coastline. Gibbs points out the Foster's current position, and notes that the body was found in the Bahamas. Mmm, the Bahamas. I wish I was there right now, instead of going back to work tomorrow. Sniff. At least they got rid of that serial killer they had lurking about the place. Anyway, Tony is excited. "Roosevelt Roads?" he drools. "Yeah," says Gibbs, instantly aware Tony is about to drivel and fixing him with a glare. Heh. "That's Puerto Rico," Tony husks lustfully. "Yeah," says Gibbs again, flatly. He's still glaring. Kate looks anxiously from Gibbs to Tony. "I love Puerto Rico," Tony continues hopefully. "I'm glad," says Gibbs, still pretending not to know where Tony is going with this. Tony continues, somewhat desperately, that Gibbs doesn't understand. "I love Puerto Rico!" he says again, all but dancing on the spot. Kate wonders idly if he's been there a lot. Tony exclaims that that's just it; he's never been there. Gibbs rolls his eyes as Tony prattles on about how he's wanted to go ever since he was a kid. He trails off and apologises once he catches Gibbs' expression. Heh. Gibbs gets back on topic: "Some time night before last, Seaman MacDonald went overboard." Kate wonders if anyone saw or heard anything. Nope, says Gibbs. No-one knew he was even missing until he didn't report for duty. Hmmm. Think that will be important later? Kate wonders if there was anything in his medical file, and Gibbs tells her they'll get those details when they get onboard the Foster. Tony wonders if there was anything else unusual.

Morgue. We pan down Seaman MacDonald's body, where he is still dressed in his dress whites, with sword and chains still attached. From off-screen, Ducky tells the team that this is exactly how he was found. Tony wonders why he was in dress whites. Gibbs says they don't know, there were no formal events scheduled. Kate wonders about his sword, nudge nudge. "Officer's ceremonial," Gibbs tells her. Tony notes that MacDonald was enlisted. Gibbs agrees that it doesn't make any sense. Ducky pulls the sword from its sheath (snicker. Because I am five) with a flourish and waves the sword at Kate, while intoning dramatically that the sword is sharp enough to slit someone's throat. I thought that was the whole point of swords, but nobody asked me. Kate smiles indulgently at Ducky as he continues, asking Kate if she knows why they drive on the left-hand side of the road in England. Kate looks at Gibbs and Tony all, the hell? They give her amused looks as she turns back to Ducky. "Dates back to medieval times," Ducky goes on. "Most people were, and still are, right-handed," he says, tapping his own right hand, which holds the sword. "It allowed them to slash at one another," he says, stepping back and away from her, "when passing on horseback," he finishes, slashing at the air ferociously. Hee. Tony shoots Gibbs an amused look, as Ducky asks them if they know why this isn't true about the rest of Europe while resheathing the sword. Unfortunately, Kate is more interested in why MacDonald was wearing a chain around his waist, so he doesn’t tell us. Ducky reveals the two 25 pound weights which had been attached to the chains. Ducky cannot say, however, whether MacDonald attached them himself or if someone else did it. Ducky then announces that he will now "get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes." "You're not gonna say 'And into a dry martini' are you?" Tony asks. Heh. No, laughs Ducky, "we'll save that for later, for me, I'm afraid." We get a corpse cam shot of Ducky smiling, as the rest of the gang head out.

Gibbs tells Tony that MacDonald lived locally, and that his address is in the file. Tony grimaces, but Gibbs reassures him that he doesn't have to worry about the notification, as CACO (who?) has already taken care of that. Tony wonders why him, as "a woman", meaning Kate, would be more sympathetic. Kate glares as Gibbs says that Kate is going with him. Kate suggests that Tony can handle it by himself, as they step into the elevator, and Gibbs basically tells them both to shut the hell up and get on with it.

Street. We have another overhead shot, this time of Tony and Kate pulling up at MacDonald's house. The Dramatic Strings kick in, all melancholy, as Tony bitches that he hates this. Kate worriedly asks if it's going to be that bad, as Tony throws an apprehensive look at the house. Tony tells her she has no idea, and Kate agrees that she doesn't, and heads towards the front door. Tony grimaces and manages to look like he has gas. He pauses and leans on a tree. Kate tells him, not unkindly, to take a breath, and to think of Puerto Rico. That does the magic for our drama queen, and he sucks it up and follows Kate to the house.

MacDonald's house. Inside, Tony examines a sword mounted over the fireplace, as Kate speaks to Mrs MacDonald and the Dramatic Strings play softly throughout the scene, telling us to feel sad. She notes that MacDonald didn't have a lot of friends on the Foster. Mrs MacDonald, clearly a poor, deluded woman as far as her son is concerned, denies this. "Oh, no, he had many friends on the ship. He told me so in his letters." Sigh. We don't see Kate's reaction to this, as Tony's head blocks her out as he asks if the sword on the wall was MacDonald's. Mrs MacDonald says no, it was her Scottish husband's. "He served in the Black Watch regiment." Tony gives her slight smile and a kind look. Aw. Kate says that MacDonald's file says that his father was dead. Mrs MacDonald confirms this, telling them that Mr MacDonald died when MacDonald Jnr was 12. Kate wonders if MacDonald "seem[ed] particularly obsessed with the sword." Mrs MacDonald is confused. Tony quickly jumps in, telling her that a "similar weapon" was found "with the ..." Kate shoots him a warning look. "Near [MacDonald]," he finishes lamely. Kate then asks Mrs MacDonald if MacDonald seemed "down or depressed" in his letters. Mrs MacDonald emphatically denies this, gritting out that "a mother knows things about her son," clearly demonstrating that she is firmly in denial. Poor thing. She continues, firmly, that he would not have killed himself. She turns in profile to the camera and whisper-talks that "It's a mortal sin." Kate and Tony follow her eyes to a statue of the Virgin Mary, as the Dramatic Strings tell us to feel bad for the nice Catholic lady, dammit!

Outside, Kate asks Tony if "these interviews are always that difficult?" Tony guesses so. "You guess?" wonders Kate. Tony says that he's never interviewed a victim's mother before. Kate thought he'd been a Baltimore homicide cop? Yes, Kate, we did actually remember that, but thanks. Tony blithely tells her that he had someone else interview the mother. Kate is outraged. "This was your first?" she howls. Yeah, says Tony. Kate wants to know why, then, Tony thought she wouldn't know how bad it was going to be. "I didn't think you would," Tony duhs. Kate is pissed at his presumption. Tony tells her to "breathe," and Kate glares, and the scene, mercifully comes to an end.

Foster. A chopper is landing on the deck. Don't ask me for any kind of correct military/ship terminology; if it isn't in the captions, I have no idea and am totally guessing. So there. Anyway, we see a shot of (I guess) the Foster turning in the water, then we cut to a walkway on the ship where a Navy guy tells them that the Commander is on a call with "LANT fleet, sir." I have no idea what LANT is. Navy dude continues, telling them that the Commander will catch up with them as soon as he can. Gibbs tells the "Master Chief" that they appreciate it. I know it's probably not appropriate, but the titles sometimes make me giggle. "Master Chief!" "Petty Officer!" Hee. Ahem. Tony asks the Master Chief if he had any contact with MacDonald. Master Chief did not. "[MacDonald] kept pretty much to himself." Gibbs says that that "Seems to be the general consensus," then snides, "or the party line." See? Nobody noticed he was missing? Anyway. We do not see Master Chief's reaction to Gibbs’ jibe, but as they enter the inside of the ship, he tells them that they are to be staying in the XO's quarters, as they are "small, but it's private and secure." Gibbs says that's fine, as Master Chief knocks on a door and we cut to the inside, where the XO is pissily picking up his bags and curtly calls for them to enter. Master Chief introduces "Lieutenant Commander Robbins" to Gibbs. Gibbs starts to thank him for giving up his quarters, but Robbins pissily cuts him off with "Not a problem," indicating quite clearly that it IS a problem, dammit, and stomping out. Master Chief smirks and tells them that "NCIS is always welcome aboard, sir. You can expect excellent cooperation." He clearly means not a word of what he is saying. Gibbs does not rise to the bait, and calmly says they appreciate that. Master Chief continues smarmily that "If you need anything ..." Gibbs cuts him off with "I won't hesitate." Master Chief sarcastically inclines his head slightly and leaves. Kate pretends to wonder why that didn't sound sincere. Gibbs blithely tells her that "You get used to it. They either stonewall or kiss ass. To them, we're the Internal Affairs of the Navy." Kate concludes that they hate "us" then. "No," exclaims Tony sarcastically. After Gibbs tosses him a glare, he amends that to "Pretty much." Gibbs tells the kids to set up the laptop and establish a feed from NCIS, ruffling his hair while doing so, and causing it stick up like a rooster's tail at the back of his head. Heh. Tony is on it. The set up, not Gibbs’ hair. Meanwhile, something has occurred to Kate. "We're not sleeping here, are we? Together?" Tony and Gibbs share a look, Tony clearly biting his tongue. Gibbs finally turns back to Kate and announces that he's taking the couch. Kate looks horrified.

Cut to MacDonald's quarters, where some guys are playing poker. Gibbs enters and greets them. He asks "Petty Officer (hee!) Carnahan" which one is MacDonald's. Carnahan reluctantly shows him, telling Gibbs that MacDonald's bunk is the one below his. Gibbs sarcastically thanks him, and wonders if he knew MacDonald. "Not well," is Carnahan's grudging response. "He pretty much kept to himself," he says, with Gibbs pissily chiming in on the last part. The Dramatic Strings have kicked in during this scene for some reason. It's certainly not dramatic. Shut up, Dramatic Strings. Anyway, Gibbs continues with his questions, wondering, as he flicks the light on over the bunks and begins rummaging through MacDonald's bunk, whether MacDonald liked to listen to music, or read. Carnahan snots that he "really didn't notice." Gibbs notes that Carnahan's bunk is right above MacDonald's, "but you didn't notice?" He pulls an hilarious face while saying that, much like a parent when mocking a surly teen. Heh. Carnahan coldly says that's a private person. Gibbs does not let up, yanking the mattress off MacDonald's bunk and running his hands around the frame. "If you had to venture a wild guess," he presses, "what do you think MacDonald liked to do?" Carnahan has clearly realised that he has to give up some information to get Gibbs off his back. "Spend his life at work," he says coolly. Gibbs rolls his eyes, as if to say, finally! Hee.

We get a voice over of, presumably, MacDonald's supervisor, as we see a computer screen with, um, technical stuff on it. "Computers run the weapons systems, the radar, the sonar. We're the backbone of the ship here, Agent DiNozzo." The camera shot pans out to show us the supervisor as he leads Tony into the room. There are screens and blinking lights, and that's as much commentary on the equipment as I feel qualified to give. "The brightest of the brightest under your command," Tony notes. The supervisor likes to think so. He, too, is just barely restraining the attitude. As Tony follows the supervisor, we cut to a shot of a random guy's face as he eavesdrops on the conversation. He'll probably be important later. I'd also like to note that the Dramatic Strings are absent, perhaps so that we wouldn't pay too much attention in this scene. Oops. Did I just drop an anvil on your head? Sorry about that. The vodka must have affected my motor control, as well as causing me to ramble on endlessly. Where was I? Right. Tony wonders where MacDonald was in the "food chain." Supervisor curtly says that he was good. How good, Tony wants to know. "That depends on what you're comparing him to," snits Supervisor. Tony is less inclined than Gibbs to ignore the bullshit, and snaps, "All right. Compared to you." Supervisor gets pissier. Heh. "I trained at MIT, MacDonald was a year out of high school." Tony, who for some reason has the camera up his nose (hi, Tony's nostril!), shoots back that "The best IT guy in our office is 22. Harvard. When he gets stuck, he calls his 14 year old nephew." Heh. Supervisor reluctantly allows that MacDonald was "very good." Tony pushes. "How very?". "When he was focused, better than anyone here,” grits Supervisor. "Including you?" Tony asks. Heh. Bitch. Supervisor agrees, and smirks bitterly. "Including me." Tony wonders if MacDonald had been focused lately. Not so much, and not for a long time, says Supervisor. "You think he offed himself [Supervisor]?" Tony asks seriously. Supervisor gives up the attitude somewhat, and allows that it's possible. "He was troubled. There was definitely something bothering him." Tony looks hard at him.

Medical bay. A woman, who appears to be the Medical Officer, is washing her hands. "He was having a hard time adjusting to ship life." See what they did there? "I suggested he get into counselling." The Medical Officer is chatting to Kate, and is much less pissy than the men Tony and Gibbs were chatting to. No comment. Anyway, Kate wonders if MacDonald was receptive to that idea. No, says Medical Officer, he only wanted to talk to her. Kate asks what his "issues" were. Medical Officer doesn't really know, as she wouldn't get into them. "It was obvious that Seaman MacDonald was disturbed, but I wasn't qualified, ma'am." Kate queries further, "But you did talk to him." Yes, but only "as his medical corpsman, not his psychologist." Kate gives her an amusing "come on, sister-girlfriend" look and head-tilt. Heh. Medical Officer relents. "All I know is that he had this mysterious friend. I mean, he was from here, but he wasn't here. It didn't make any sense. But, he seemed obsessed with him." Kate thinks for a second, and asks Medical Officer if she thinks MacDonald could have killed himself. Medical Officer thinks this over. "Off the record," Kate reassures her. Medical Officer is adamant. "Definitely not!"

MacDonald's bunk. Gibbs is still rummaging. He finds a book in MacDonald's pillow. The Dramatic Strings kick in as Gibbs check the book's title, which we don't see, and raises an eyebrow. He turns to where Carnahan is still standing, fidgeting impatiently, behind him; meanwhile Tony's voiceover can be heard all the way from the deck!

"So here's what we know," he recaps for us. "A dead kid wearing dress whites for no reason, with a sword he shouldn't have on, which is not supposed to be sharp, at the bottom of the ocean with weights on." Kate chimes in. "He was a brilliant but troubled computer tech who lived at work and had a mysterious friend." Gibbs sums up. "Okay, so given the circumstances, probably not an accidental death. So, suicide or murder?" The Dramatic Strings are loving the exposition, by the way. Tony says that Supervisor suggests he could have killed himself. Kate rebuts this with the contentions of Mrs MacDonald and the Medical Officer, who say he wouldn't have. I wouldn’t bet on the mother’s recommendation there, Kate. Gibbs chooses this moment to show them the book he found in MacDonald's bunk. We get a close up of the book, which is titled "The Japanese Sword Art of Iaido". Gibbs suggests that he might have been teaching himself to use the sword. From a book? Whatever. Tony's expression is also dubious about how well that would work, and the Dramatic Strings send us to the next scene with a flourish.

Shot of the Foster. Gibbs is on the laptop, chatting to Abby, who tells him they found a few more things on MacDonald's body. Kate and Tony are also there, listening. It turns out that MacDonald was wearing a St Christopher medal. The odd thing, though, is that in his pocket they found a "character charter" for a "fantasy game." Tony wonders what kind of game. "It looks like an MMORPG," says Abby. Tony's all, the who in the what now? "It's a massive multiplayer online role-playing game," Abby clarifies. My husband is all, woo! "They're huge on the internet," Abby continues. Gibbs gives a quick, hilarious headshake. Heh. He wonders what a character charter is. Abby explains that it's "like a character's manifesto. His goals, moral stance, creed." The Dramatic Strings find this far more interesting than I do, but they don't live with someone who spends all of his time playing those goddamn online games. Gibbs scoffs disbelievingly. Believe it, dude. Abby continues that there can be thousands of players on one site alone, and Gibbs snarks that "it's comforting to know that [MacDonald's] computer skills were being put to good use on a $1 billon ship." Kate smiles at this. "He's a computer geek?" smirks Abby knowingly. Heh. Tony tells her that MacDonald worked in the Combat Information Centre. Abby notes that that's a perfect job for a "power gamer". She continues that "he was working on combat, it was just more like the medieval kind." Gibbs wonders if these games are violent, and Abby explains about what goes on, but I don't care, because I've heard enough about these games already. Gibbs wonders what they should look for on his hard drive. Abby says that if he's any good, they won't find anything. Kate suggests that they look in cyberspace. All righty, then. They decide that they should check the servers of the gaming sites, and Abby says she'll give it a shot. Then she tells them that there were nicks on the sword. Tony wonders if they were caused by another sword. "Two sailors playing with sharp swords," says Gibbs. Kinky! Kate gets the hint. "Once in a while, you might miss. I'm on it." She heads off. There's some guff about Gibbs getting the MMORPG acronym wrong, and Tony corrects him, and Gibbs glares, and I am bored. Gibbs decides to chat to Ducky.

Tony exclaims in disgust as morgue-cam comes up on the laptop, showing Ducky mid autopsy. I'm exclaiming in disgust because the dude assisting Ducky is NOT Gerald. Boo! Ducky apologises for the gross out, and starts blathering about a woman who swallowed a small piece of jewellery, but is cut off by Gibbs. Ducky lists his findings, which all confirm "classic death by drowning." Apparently there was also a "slight haemorrhaging of the inner ear," caused by the change in pressure as he headed for the sea floor. And yet, a dickhead in a snorkel was able to find him? Whatever. More vodka! Ducky has also found dirt under MacDonald's nails, from when "his fingers grabbed whatever he was touching when he succumbed." Ducky continues that it's likely the dirt will be found to have come from the ocean floor. Ducky concludes that MacDonald was alive when he went overboard. Gibbs looks thoughtful.

Somewhere ... else, a smug officer type is describing his, um, sword to Tony: "Stainless steel blade, acid-edged and hand polished." He slowly unsheathes his sword for Tony's benefit. Heh. He's totally flirting here, and Tony's slightly disturbed expression is not convincing me otherwise. HoYay! Smug Officer Type Who Is In Love With Tony continues, "The fittings, guard and pommel are 24 carat gold plated." SOTWIILWT leers at Tony and tells him that "As late as the 1800s, a sword like this would have been used to defend against an enemy trying to board a ship." He wriggles his eyebrows at Tony and continues seductively, "Only the blade would have been sharp enough to take a man's limb off." Tony says nothing. SOTWIILWT continues flirting. "I always liked pirate movies. Didn't you?" Aw, he's checking to see what kind of movie to ask Tony to! Tony is not receptive. "Not really," says Tony, clearly creeped out by the flirting. Hee. SOTWIILWT tries another tack: "Of course, today it wouldn't stand much of a chance against a 9-mill, H and K MP5 Parabellum, would it?" Tony guesses that he likes gun movies, too. SOTWIILWT decides to go for it. "I like all weapons, sir." If you know what he means, and I think you do. Tony cruelly toys with him. "I can really appreciate that, Ensign.” He gets back to business, wondering if “all the officers' ceremonial swords accounted for?" SOTWIILWT is eager to please, and says that he "checked with 32 officers, found 32 swords." Okay, I'm not going to make up any gay subtext on that one. Except: tramp. Anyway, the poor, besotted guy tries once more to seduce Tony with, "including my beauty." Tony sternly tells SOTWILLWT that they will need to take a look at all of them, his tone making it clear that he means the swords, not, you know, swords. Ahem. SOTWIILT is disappointed. "Yes sir," he replies, crestfallen. Tony then asks where SOTWIILT thinks MacDonald could have gotten the sword. SOTWILLT says that it would have had to have been the Base Exchange. Tony looks at him curiously. "Roosevelt Roads Naval Station?" Yep, that's the one. SOTWIILWT explains that if the clerk didn't check IDs, MacDonald could have bought one as a souvenir, but notes that he'd have to hide it onboard. Tony, looking thoughtful, wonders why. SOTWIILT flicks back to "smug", scoffing that it would be insane to allow enlisted men to carry weapons on board. Tony is all, whatever, dicksmack and, off-screen, rushes out to file a restraining order.

Somewhere else, again, some more, Gibbs is chatting with the Skipper. The Skipper is also being helpful, but thankfully is not flirting. The Skipper tells Gibbs that he didn't know MacDonald very well, and Gibbs notes ruefully that no-one seemed to. The Skipper says that MacDonald did some maintenance work on his computer last week, and seemed to be "in a bit of a daze." He continues that they drug tested him, but he was clean. Gibbs confirms that their toxicology tests were negative as well. The Skipper wonders about the fact that he was wearing the dress whites and the sword. Gibbs isn't sure, "but we think he was involved in an online fantasy game." "Like an MMORPG?" asks the Skipper. Off Gibbs' surprised look (heh), the Skipper says that his kids play. "A lot," he says with some exasperation. Hee. I hear you, dude. Gibbs says they think he might have taken it "a step further and staged real fights with someone on board." The Skipper is surprised, and wonders how that would be possible. Gibbs suggests that the Skipper knows this ship inside out, and the Skipper confirms that he does. Gibbs asks where he would go to conduct a sword fight without getting caught. The Skipper thinks for a moment. "Damage Control, in the Machine Shop, at night."

Lab. Abby is banging away at her keyboard, and we see a shot the game Abby is playing. Her character appears to be some kind of elf. Abby exclaims in frustration about some "King's guards" as Ducky wanders past. He pauses and enters the lab. Abby blathers at the screen as she fights, and exclaims in triumph when she wins. She yammers about her progress to Ducky, who looks about as interested as I do when my husband does the same. He tries to come up with a related story, but can't some up with anything. Heh. Ducky flees the lab to find something more interesting to do.

The Foster, medical bay. Medical Officer is telling Kate that the night MacDonald died there were three injuries, but none were sword related. Kate asks for files relating to other "questionable lacerations" for the past few months. Medical Officer agrees but will need a couple of hours. Kate is pleased. She turns to go, but stops to ask about "MacDonald's mystery friend." She asks Medical Officer if MacDonald mentioned being afraid of him. Medical Officer says MacDonald only mentioned the guy once, but that MacDonald was more in awe of him than anything else. Kate is all, hmmm.

Lab. Abby is still playing. The Dramatic Strings reappear. We see her elf walking down a hallway. The husband would like you to know that the keyboard bashing sounds we hear are lame, as you would not be doing that just walking. I still don't care, but if I’m to escape a beating for pissing about his gaming, I’ll throw that in. Anyway, Ducky has returned with a Caf-Pow for Abby. She smiles and says he's a prince. Game blather. It's not important, except that the game is called "The Immortals". Ducky is still not really interested in the game. Abby does reveal that if she gets into the keep, she can open a character log. She gets killed by an orc. She has to infiltrate the castle again. I have to get more vodka.

The Foster, somewhere on deck. Tony catches up to Gibbs and tells him that the sword had to have come from Roosevelt Roads, and that if he fought with someone, that someone probably got their sword there, too. Gibbs' phone rings, and it's Abby, plus the Dramatic Strings. She's gotten access the game log. She says that MacDonald played a character called Weylin, and that his opponent was called Kinvaras. Their main mode of combat was sword fighting. The Dramatic strings swirl to a crescendo as Abby announces that Kinvaras also logged on from the Foster. Dun dun dun!

The Foster, somewhere else on deck. Gibbs shakes his head ruefully, wondering "Who would have thought that Pong would turn into online role-playing games." Tony does not know what Pong is. The guys then proceed to recap the information we just heard. They wonder what the odds are. Gibbs wonders why they use such weird names. Heh. Tony snarks about computer geeks. I'm breaking all my fingers to refrain from cracking the kind of jokes that will lead to my husband requesting a divorce.

They guys head back inside the ship, pedeconferencing through the cramped corridors. Gibbs exposits that since MacDonald bought a sword and was teaching himself how to use it, he must have found whoever else was playing the Immortals onboard and decided to "take it to the next level: Reality." Tony reminds him that they must have bought the swords at Roosevelt Roads. You know. In Puerto Rico. Tony offers to hop a helicopter, buy a sword undercover, bust the clerk and find out who bought the swords! He could be there and back in 24 hours! Gibbs eyerolls. "Six," he says firmly. "Twelve?" pleads Tony, futilely attempting to bargain. Gibbs tells him it's not a negotiation. Heh. Tony will take six, and smiles and dashes off, almost breaking his neck falling over a knee knocker. Gibbs smiles slightly and shakes his head at the bonehead he hired. Hee.

Cut to a shot of a helicopter taking off from the deck, as the Dramatic Strings get all excited that they're off to Puerto Rico! Whee!

Lab. Abby has found a list of gamers' personal websites and finds "The Immortal Tales of Weylin." She clicks in, accompanied by the Dramatic Strings. There is a general description of the character, together with a list of such things as History, Family Tree, Kills, etc. There is also a link to "Weylin's Diary", which requires a password. Abby curses and sets her "Codebreaker 7.8" to hack it. The husband gets pissy again at the lack of realism, and I tell him to drink some more. Abby mutters that this is going to take a while, and settles in for the duration.

Puerto Rico! As the helicopter lands, the Dramatic Strings are replaced with Latin music. The chopper lands and we cut to the Base Exchange, where Tony is kitted out in a Petty Officer's uniform with his hair slicked back. He is preening and trying on sunglasses. He flirts with the sales clerk and cheesily says he'll take them. Sales Clerk coyly wonders if he wants anything else, if you know what she means, and I think you do. Wow. Tony's getting a lot of play this episode. Anyway, he asks for a Naval Officer's sword. Sales Clerk tells him he can't have one. He tells her that some of his friends says they got one from there before, and protests that it's not like it's drugs or anything. Sales Clerk tells him them's the rules, and to take it up with the Navy if he has a problem. He offers to pay extra, showing her a wad of bills, and cajoles her, telling her he just wants a souvenir to take home. She caves, offering to let him have one for $600. He protests that they retail for $400. She counters that she could lose her job. Tony tries for $500 and she mutters in Spanish and stomps to the other side of the counter to fold some t-shirts. Tony scampers around and agrees to $600. She stuffs the money in her bra, and Tony reveals that he is an NCIS agent. Sales Clerk freaks, hurling various items at Tony and yelling in Spanish. I don't speak Spanish, but I think she was saying something about a curse. Tony laughingly attempts to calm her down, telling her he only wants some information. He does seem to have had plenty of practice with irate women hurling things at his head. Heh.

Foster, presumably in the Machine Shop. Gibbs examines some metal posts and notes they have marks on them. He puts little measuring tabs on them and photographs them, as they imagine a sword striking the post. Kate turns and checks out a nearby post, finding similar marks. She notes that they are two sword lengths apart. "MacDonald and Kinvaras were starting to take their game very seriously," she says thoughtfully. Gibbs warns her that they don't know that yet. Kate says that she checked all the officers' swords and "there wasn't a scratch on any of them." Gibbs reminds her that Abby has not confirmed that the metal in MacDonald's nicked sword came from another sword. Kate wonders why he sent Tony to Puerto Rico, then. Gibbs snits that "it's called being thorough. Hunches do not hold up in court." Kate protests that it's not a hunch, as two people said that MacDonald wouldn't have killed himself. Gibbs wonders why she is so adamant on that score. She insists that it makes sense. "He's Catholic," she says emphatically, as if that makes a difference. "And so are you," replies Gibbs, clearly thinking she's personalising it. Kate protests, saying that Catholics don't commit suicide, it's a cultural thing and blah. Whatever, Kate. This (lapsed) Catholic isn’t buying what you're selling. Gibbs doesn't seem to be buying it either, but he refrains from further comment. Fortunately Tony calls to put an end to this blather.

Tony is at a bar on a beach, sipping a cocktail of some sort. Mmm, cocktails. Anyway, in between leering at the various bikini babes around him, Tony offers to fill Gibbs in on what he found. Gibbs decides to go up top due to the reception, leaving Kate alone to visualise two guys fighting, swords clashing, and to brood upon possibly suicidal Catholics. The Dramatic Strings are getting fiesty, but maybe they just want a cocktail, too.

Meanwhile, down at the beach, Tony confirms that the Base Exchange was selling swords to naughty enlisted men. They confirmed selling to MacDonald, and as Tony heads away from the bar down to the actual beach, he tells Gibbs that they sold three others, and he's got descriptions. Gibbs, from the deck of the Foster, wonders where Tony is. Tony says he's waiting for his chopper ride, and it will be a couple more hours. A waitress approaches Tony with another cocktail as the music kicks in louder. Gibbs snarls, and Tony brightly tells him to relax, and assures him that he's a professional, while sipping his drink. Meanwhile, he's leering at the topless girls sunbathing. He gazes over the top of his sunglasses and smacks his lips appreciatively. Hee.

Cut to the XO's quarters. Gibbs and Kate are going through files, comparing them to the descriptions Tony sent them. Kate wonders how many people are on the boat. "This ship has 323 enlisted, 32 officers. You're lucky this isn't an aircraft carrier." They continue flipping through files, until Kate goes "hmmmm." Apparently Petty Officer Ronald Zuger "cut his arm on a plate glass window last month. Only there were no glass shards in the wound." He matches the description, and guess where he works?

Surprise! We're off to the Combat Information Centre, where the eavesdropping guy from earlier is playing the Immortals, while being watched by an admiring coworker. Admiring Coworker quickly skeddadles as Gibbs sneaks up on them and compliments Zuger's swordsmanship. Zuger quickly brings up his screensaver. Heh. It sucks being busted fucking around at work. Anyway, Gibbs smirks at him and wonders, "Killed anyone else lately?" Nice.

We cut to some sort of lunchroom that Gibbs is using for interrogation. Zuger protests that "virtual homicide" is not illegal. Gibbs assures him that he's not under arrest. Zuger snottily wonders why he's there, then. Gibbs drawls, "Well, for starters, there's a little matter of misappropriation of government property." Zuger protests that everyone in CIC plays online. Gibbs shoots back that "they don't give you guys top-notch equipment so you can have a better gaming experience." Heh. Zuger is unrepentant. "They wouldn't have top-notch equipment if it weren't for guys like me." Oh, get over yourself. Gibbs agrees, and needles him with "Guys like you and Seaman MacDonald?" Zuger grinds his teeth. Gibbs is falsely amicable: "Okay. What came first, the online chicken or the CIC egg?" Hee. Zuger smirks a little and says he didn't know MacDonald (ie Weylin) was onboard for a long time. Gibbs says it must have been quite a shock. Zuger says that they "had a pretty good laugh over it." Gibbs drops the friendly act and grimly states "He's not laughing now. [Ominous pause] Is he?"

Lab. Abby's computer beeps, indicating the password has been cracked. Abby opens Weylin's Diary as the Dramatic Strings cue up again and is dismayed to see how much of it there is. She reaches for the phone. Kate answers. Abby wonders why Gibbs isn't answering his phone. Kate says that he's "having a talk with Kinvaras." Abby warns that if he's "as whacked out as his rival, tell Gibbs to watch his neck." Not commenting. Backing away slowly! Ahem. Anyway, Kate realises this means that Abby has cracked MacDonald's diary. Abby confirms, bitching that "this guy had diarrhoea of the keyboard." Ha! Kate offers to go through it instead. Abby is way stocked.

Gibbs continues his interrogation, as the Dramatic Strings shut the hell up. He notes that MacDonald viewed Zuger as an "authority figure." Zuger retorts that he outranked MacDonald. Gibbs says that's not what he meant. Zuger exclaims that he didn't kill MacDonald. Gibbs tries a different tack. "Okay. Have you ever killed him?" He gets up to do his little "wander around and behind the suspect" thing he likes to do during interrogations. "In the game," he adds. "Sure," says Zuger blithely, "Kinvaras has beheaded Weylin lots of times." Gibbs smirks and plays on Zuger's ego. "You were better than him." Hells yeah, says Zuger. He snorts derisively. "Pissed him off." Gibbs wondered if that's when they decided to fight for real. Zuger foolishly smarms that he never said they did. On cue, Gibbs summons Tony, who has found Zuger's sword and the Dramatic Strings. Zuger looks like he's going to wet himself. Tony assures him that it won't take long to match up the metals. Zuger protests that it was MacDonald's idea. "I thought it was kinda cool at the time!" says Zuger, like, yeah! Everyone else was doing it! Sheesh. Gibbs snides at him "Until you got cut." Zuger reluctantly agrees. Gibbs gets in Zuger's face and asks if that scared him. Zuger, clearly scared shitless, attempts to bluesteel: "Kinvaras is never frightened. And I've never quite known what Weylin was thinking." Gibbs asks where he was when MacDonald went over. Zuger says he was helping a friend with a computer problem most of the night. "Big problem," notes Gibbs. "Huge, sir." replies Zuger.

Cut to the XO's quarters, where Weylin's Diary is being printed. We have a MacDonald voiceover, which I'll skip transcribing. Basically, he's a paranoid nutbar. Kate, who is reading this, looks worried, as are the Dramatic Strings. Scene!

Foster. Gibbs is questioning our old friend, Petty Officer Carnahan. It turns out that Zuger's alibi is holding up - he was erasing a heaping bunch of porn from Carnahan's computer. Heh. Carnahan somewhat shamefacedly admits to Gibbs that he's "got a lot of free time on [his] hands." Uh, so to speak. Gibbs looks slightly amused by this.

Morgue. Ducky is videoconferencing with the gang, and confirms that the dirt from MacDonald's hands was from the sea floor. There was no sign of a struggle. Ducky notes that, from what Abby found in his online diary, "the afterlife could be a vast improvement for a young man so troubled." Ducky starts to blather about a book he wants to send Gibbs, so Gibbs hangs up on him. Heh. Tony says it "sure looks like a suicide" to him. Kate is still in disagreement, but this time it's not about religion. She says that there's no hint of a plan to kill himself in his diaries, in fact it's "just the opposite." Kate now has Gibbs' attention. "MacDonald seems resolved to continue his battle with Kinvaras after he leaves the ship," Kate says. "So, why would a man so intent on his mission no matter how deranged, off himself and end it?" Gibbs wants to know what else is in the diary. Kate is on the last entry now, and sits down to continue her reading. Gibbs turns to Tony and asks for Zuger's records. Tony gets on the phone and is put on hold. There's a bit of guff about presents Tony bought in Puerto Rico that is intended only to set up the "joke" at the end of the episode, so I'll pay it no mind just now.

Meanwhile, Kate has found something interesting. "MacDonald says that after he makes his escape he'll destroy his enemies by releasing a great plague against the realm as the sun sets beneath the next full moon." Gibbs dives on MacDonald's file as Tony announces Zuger's file is on the way and the Dramatic Strings reappear. Apparently "MacDonald had applied for the NBC programme," says Gibbs. Off Kate's quizzical look, Tony explains "Nuclear, biological and chemical weapons." "Passed the physical, flunked the psych," notes Gibbs. Tony wonders what the realm is supposed to be. Kate thinks it's the Foster. "MacDonald was convinced that the crew was aiding his enemy." Gibbs declares that MacDonald is going to set off a "bio bomb" on the ship. The Dramatic Strings know that the end is nigh as Gibbs moans, "Tell me it's not a full moon tonight." Heh. Duh, Gibbs. Gibbs wants to know when the sun sets. In about an hour, says Kate. Gibbs orders Tony to get Zuger in front of his computer to see if he can find anything about MacDonald or a bio weapon. Gibbs notes that Navy ships don't carry biological weapons, and tells Kate to check with Homeland Security to see if there's anything unaccounted for in the region. Kate pounces on phone.

Gibbs tracks down the Skipper in a staff meeting. He barges in and convinces him that a bomb is about to go off. The Skipper says to sound "general quarters." Mayhem!

Horns and PA systems and chaos, oh my! As sailors scurry all over the place, Tony drags Zuger to CIC. Zuger wants to know what the hell is going on. Tony urgently asks him if MacDonald ever mentioned "delivering a virus aboard the Foster?" Why the thought of a computer virus hasn't occurred to anyone, I have no idea, especially since it would occur to a computer geek far more readily than a bio weapon, I would think. Anyway, Zuger protests that he doesn't think so, as we see various sailors scurrying and putting on gas masks.

CIC. Tony orders Zuger onto his site to find anything he can.

Corridor. Kate reports that no known material is missing, but they'll continue to check. Gibbs tells her to keep checking.

Scurrying, searching, mayhem.

CIC. Zuger has logged on to his site, but then the screen goes black, followed by some gobbledygook and a computerised voice says "Die, Kinvaras! Die!" I love that he added a "mwhahahahaha" for good measure. Hee! Zuger freaks. He tries another monitor, but no good. MacDonald has hacked his account, and all of the information is gone. Gibbs appears to put a boot up Zuger: "You listen to me very closely. There's a good chance that a bio bomb is going off on this ship by sunset. Right now, you're the best shot we've got to find it. You give me answers, or I will make sure you're the last one in line on the evac." Heh. Zuger is terrified. Gibbs continues, "Did MacDonald even hint, in any way, of taking out this crew?" Zuger says no, so Gibbs turns to Kate, telling her to go over MacDonald's diary again. He turns back to Zuger, snarling that he wants to know "every detail that happened between you and MacDonald."

Shot of the Foster as the sun slowly sets. The Dramatic Strings are having a whale of a time.

Command Central. I think. A Navy dude informs the Skipper of arrangements that have been made as the Skipper anxiously checks his watch. Scurrying. Helicopters.

CIC. Kate is going over the diary. Tony and Gibbs read over her shoulder.

Sailors. Searching. Scurrying. Torches. Dramatic Strings!

Foster. The sun is setting, some more.

CIC. Gibbs applies the screws to Zuger, telling him they've only got 20 minutes left. Zuger says nothing. Gibbs slams him up against the desk, yelling "Do you want the crew of this ship to die?" Zuger spills. MacDonald was crazy and thought he really was immortal. Gibbs says that MacDonald thought Zuger really was Kinvaras, and that's why they fought with real swords. As everyone gawks, Zuger replies that he thought they were just playing, but then MacDonald tried to kill him. He denies that he then killed MacDonald, but he did challenge him. To what, Gibbs wants to know. To go "UA like he was always talking about!" yells Zuger. "I told him to take his sword and swim to shore." Gibbs looks gobsmacked. "Why was he wearing weights if he was gonna swim?" howls Gibbs. Zuger doesn't answer. Gibbs shakes him again, and bellows, "Why did he have weights chained to his waist?" Zuger can't even look at him as he shakily admits that "[he] told him that was the only way he could prove to [Zuger] he was immortal." Gibbs is horrified. "Why would you let him do that?" The Dramatic Strings of Yes, This Guy is also Nuts shudder to a crescendo as Zuger duhs, "To win the game." Tony and Kate look like they're going to hurl. Gibbs throws Zuger away from him, presumably so he doesn't give into temptation and shoot his stupid ass, and heads back to Kate. He yells at Kate to find something in the diaries already and stomps off.

We see a shot of the sun getting even lower as a hand hangs up a phone in, I think, Command Central. A Navy guy tells the Skipper they haven't found anything. The Skipper tells him to have Gibbs meet him in his "sea cabin".

CIC. Kate mutters to herself that she's missing something. There's only five minutes left! Oh noes! So, of course ... "This stuff MacDonald said about cutting off the head so the body will die. I mean, we're assuming that is part of setting up a 'plague against the realm'. But what if it meant two separate things?" The Dramatic Strings get excited because they know the episode is almost over, and Tony urges her to go on. "Zuger's website and his character were destroyed. And the plague against the realm could simply be referring to a computer virus." Ha! Told you! Neener. "Leaving 'cutting off the head' as another threat," realises Tony. The guys slowly process the information: since MacDonald thought the crew was "aligned with his enemy," they work out he's talking about the crew when he's talking about "cutting off the head so the body will die." God, it's painful watching them work this out! More vodka! FINALLY, they realise he's going to off the Skipper, the Dramatic Strings go nuts and they scamper off as we cut to a shot of the sun sinking really, really low now.

Skipper's sea cabin. The Skipper is chewing Gibbs out because they haven't found a bomb. Gibbs insists they are dealing with a real threat. Kate and Tony burst in and announce that the Skipper is the target. Tony asks where the Skipper is at this time every day. The Skipper protests, in order to draw out the "tension", but Tony tells him to shut up and answer the damn question already. Why, right here in his cabin, actually. Kate announces that they have to get the fuck out of there, and they all bolt for the door, dragging the confused Skipper with them.

They bolt down the hall, Gibbs exiting last and slamming the door behind him. They get a little way down the hall and cabin go boom, sending Gibbs and the Skipper to the ground. Tony makes sure that Kate is okay and turns to check the other two. The Skipper is all, holy shit! Gibbs heads back to check out the damage.

Lab. Ducky is confused, so Abby recaps the entire situation re Weylin/MacDonald and Kinvaras/Zuger for Ducky, with Ducky attempting to insert various stories along the way. It's mildly entertaining, but only due to Abby and Ducky's delivery of their lines.

Foster. XO's cabin. The gang are packing. Kate can't get over how reality got so blurred for MacDonald. Gibbs notes that to MacDonald, destroying Zuger's website was as "real and violent as trying to kill the skipper." Tony snarks that he's glad his parents made him play sport in high school. Heh. Kate and Gibbs eyeroll at him and head for the door. We then get to the part about what Tony brought them from Puerto Rico. They reluctantly stop and accept a package each from Tony. Kate got a two piece bikini consisting of a bikini bottom and a hat. Gibbs wonders if she's going to try it on. Hee! Skeevy, Gibbs. Very skeevy. The Dramatic Strings of It's the Funny Denouement! cue up as Kate tosses the bikini pants at him and snarks "you first." Atta girl. Gibbs protests lightly that they won't fit. Not touching that joke. Backing away, hands in the air. Kate snits that she works with pigs, and Tony hands Gibbs ... a fantasy RPG book. In Spanish. Gibbs is not impressed. Tony snits that he's never happy. They leave, with Tony grabbing the bikini bottoms on his way out, closing the door behind him and we fade to black.


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