Note - this computer sucks

>> Monday, July 28, 2008

On the off chance that anyone wants to leave a comment in the next two weeks - because this computer sucks rocks, I can't publish your comments. Sorry about that. Please try to contain your terrible grief!

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Hooray!

I'm on holidays! Hooray! This is a relief on many levels, not least of which is the fact that there is a serial killer in our office. Seriously. He slithers around the place and talks all monotone. Like, he'll look at you and he's not just mentally undressing you. He's also imagining you without your skin.

Insert full body shudder here. In fact, I'm getting seriously spooked just thinking about it, and I won't even see the creepy freak for two weeks. Oh, and he's completely fixated on my co-worker, Ms Outraged. Poor thing. He was "chatting" to her last week, and here's the subtext:

Lurky McSerialkiller: I like you. You're pretty.
Ms Outraged: You're creepy dude. Fuck off.
Lurky McSerialkiller: No, seriously. You're very pretty. And so is your hair. Your hair is pretty. Shiny!
Ms Outraged: Fuck. Off. Dude. Somebody help me!
Lurky McSerialkiller: Can I have a lock of your hair? It's for the shrine I'm building. It has sketches and stuff from your bin and photos and everything!
Ms Outraged: No, and seriously, fuck off.
Lurky McSerialkiller: Marry me.
Ms Outraged: Fuck off! Fuck off! FUCK OFF INFINITY!!

At which point Ms Hyphenate faked a phone call to rescue the poor thing from his clutches. Shudder. Honestly. I'm afraid that he HAS built a shrine or something, and is planning to abduct her and like, throw her down a well in his basement. Cree. Pee. The whole office is weirded out by him, so can they please GET RID OF HIM ALREADY.

God. GOD.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go and bathe in bleach to rid the crawling feeling just thinking about him causes. And some lye. And some drain cleaner. Because EW!

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Bad Idea Jeans, Part 2

>> Thursday, July 17, 2008

Criminal stupidity, indeed ...

This guy has taken the prized "Bad Idea Jeans" for this week ... by wearing a "Worlds Greatest Dad" t-shirt to pick up a 14 year old. I feel very, very sorry indeed for his child(ren). And dear Lord, could he look any skeevier??

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Rage Blackout

>> Tuesday, July 15, 2008

I would comment on this news story, but I'm afraid my head will explode. Seriously. Rage!


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NCIS: Hung Out To Dry

>> Monday, July 14, 2008

Right. I've consumed large quantities of vodka. So let's get to recapping episode two!

We open on a view of a truck parked in a field scattered with trees. The Foley guys have gone postal with the mics, and the lip smacking is threatening to burst my eardrums. We hear a girl's voice protesting to a douchebag named "Jimmy": "Stop, I said no!" We cut to inside of the truck, as the girl is revealed to be an annoyed blonde, and Jimmy is revealed to be, well, a douche. To wit: "I sat my sorry ass on a torn-up bus for three hours to hook up with you." Blonde is as unimpressed with Douche's logic as I am. He attempts to smoove her with the old "you know I love you" schtick. Yeah, that'll work. The Douche gets inappropriate again, and Blonde threatens to scream, until a Marine halts the date rape in progress by slamming legs first through the roof of the truck. Blonde follows through on her threat by unhinging her jaw and shrieking us into the credits.

Ahh, much better. They've introduced the drum beat. I boogie on the couch, while the cats give me strange looks. As well they should.

We cut to Gibbs' basement. Gibbs vigorously sands his boat while listening to the radio. Tony's voice interrupts with "Don't you lock the door?" Duh, Tony. Nobody on TV does. Tony exposits that they got a call from Quantico, "Marine killed in an exercise." Apparently the unfortunate Marine's chute failed to open, which is why he ended up ploughing legs first into the truck from the pre-credits sequence. Tony wanders further into the basement, eyeing the skeleton of the boat. "This a boat?" he foolishly enquires. Gibbs thinks that's a stupid question too, and glares. Gibbs decides not to hurl his sander thingy at Tony's head, and wonders if the reserve chute also failed. Tony doesn’t' t know. Tony mentions that he tried Gibbs' mobile, which we see floating in some paint thinner. Tony continues that he tried the landline, and we cut to a shot of Gibbs' house phone with the receiver ... either off the hook or smashed. Leave me alone. I'm drunk. "Don't ask," Gibbs replies curtly.

Tony wriggles his eyebrows and starts with some blather about how his dad gave him a power sander for his birthday once, and that Gibbs is welcome to have it, but Gibbs shoots him down, noting that there are few available sockets in the Boat Building Basement (no, it's not a snappy name, exactly, but I'm enjoying the alliteration, and it's my crappy recap, so shut up), and Tony comments on Gibbs' exclusive use of hand tools. Gibbs corrects that he "uses [his] hands" and asks whether Tony has called Ducky yet. Aw, Ducky. Tony replies in the negative as Gibbs heads upstairs. Tony tosses Gibbs his mobile (I can't call it a cell phone) and yells "Coming, DiNozzo?" as Tony looks around the BBB, muttering about his boss's weirdness, as Gibbs cuts the lights on him. Heh.

Cut to the field as lights flare on all over the place. A Marine dude leads Gibbs and Tony over to the scene. Blipverts of the dead Marine. Ouch. "He impaled an SUV?" wonders Tony. The Marine, who my subtitles identify as "Nutt", confirms this. Gibbs wonders where the other jumpers are. Nutt points "over there", saying they dropped 400 metres north of the road. "Just one stick?" Gibbs wonders. What? Nobody explains what that means exactly, but I assume he meant the group that jumped. Like I know from military terminology. Nutt confirms that the "jumpmaster" must have held the others back. Anyway, Gibbs checks whether Nutt secured the paraloft and the aircraft they jumped from. Nutt confirms this, adding that he also has the other Marines who didn't make the jump under guard at the hangar. Gibbs tells him to put them with the others, but, following Rule Number 1, also wants to make sure to keep them separated.

We hear the Blonde, who according to the subtitles is actually "Sarah" moaning "Oh, my God" from off screen. Nutt identifies Blonde and Douche as the witnesses. Blonde is covered in blood, shivering, and freaking that her dad will kill her, as he is on duty and doesn't know she took his car. He won’t be pleased with your taste in boys either, honey. Gibbs strides up, asking if Blonde's dad is a Marine. "Yes, sir," Blonde shivers. Nutt jumps in, identifying Blonde's dad as Master Sergeant Tom Schaefer, a TI at Quantico. Douche rubs his stupid hair in the background. Tony turns and asks Douche if his dad is a Marine at Quantico too. No way, says the Douche. Douchily. Blonde continues to rub her arms, and Gibbs notices. He hilariously strips the Douche of his jacket and wraps it around Blonde. Douche looks cranky. Shut up, Douche. We gain further confirmation of Douche's douchiness by way of him smoking. I toss a sullen glare at the writers for that visual cue, and light up a cigarette. Anyway, Gibbs introduces himself and Tony to Blonde, asking what happened. Blonde tells him that she and Douche were parked, and Douche jumps in, saying that they were "hanging out and listening to Dashboard Confessional." "What?" spits Gibbs. "Emo," supplies Tony helpfully. Gibbs has no idea what he's talking about. "Never mind, Gibbs. It's totally crap, and people who listen to it have stupid hair," Tony says. In my head. Gibbs moves on, confirming that they were listening to music, and ... "He smashed through the roof," supplies Blonde. "And wham, pow, blood everywhere," adds Douche. Blonde continues that she screamed and they ran out for help. Nutt confirms this, stating that he met them about a click down the road on his way to the scene. Blonde moans that she felt bad for leaving him. "He was alive?" asks Gibbs. Blonde tells him that she heard him groan. Oh, ow. Douche douches that it was a death rattle. "You ever heard a death rattle?" wonders Tony. "I was using it as a trope," brats Douche. "A what?" spits Gibbs. "A trope. A figurative use of expression?" condescends the Douche. Shut up, Douche. Gibbs sighs to Nutt to call Blonde's dad and have him pick her up. Douche wonders eagerly if he can leave now, like, nice one, Douche. "Not until after Master Sergeant Schaefer gets here. I'm sure he's gonna have a trope or two for you," Gibbs sneers at him. Heh. Don't mess with the Gibbs, Douche. Douche looks terrified. Hee.

The boys head over to the mangled truck, Gibbs noting Ducky's arrival. Apparently he's also on a ladder. Tony says he'll get the monopod. What? Ducky immediately starts in as the boys approach, telling them that "the last time [he] was up this high [he] was hanging a piñata at [his] nephew's birthday party." Gibbs asks what they've got, and Ducky shines his flashlight on the dead Marine and tells him that there's lots and lots of abrasions, wincing sympathetically. So am I. That looks painful. Ducky goes on to say that the nearby tree must have slowed the fall a bit, and notes that it looks like the Marine's neck is broken, which is "hardly surprising" given the "rapid descent followed by the equally rapid deceleration." Gibbs chimes in that "witnesses over there said that he groaned after he decelerated." Ducky will have to wait for autopsy to confirm that. Gibbs examines the car and the Marine's chute, observing that a number of the shroud lines failed. "Enough of those go," explains Gibbs, "chute doesn't catch air, it tootsie-rolls, lets you down like a Roman candle." Ducky wonders if the lines were cut, but Gibbs says they look worn. Gibbs notices that the Marine still has his reserve chute on, and wonders why the Marine didn't pull it.

At this point, Tony returns to the scene with Kate, whom the MP's were not going to let onto the scene. Kate picks her way along beside Tony in her suit and heels. She tells them that she has her gun and badge, but "HQ didn't issue my photo ID." She gasps at the Marine, wondering if this is for real. What, did you think this was some kind of hazing ritual, Kate? Ducky assures her that, unfortunately, it is indeed for real. Gibbs hands Kate some gloves as Ducky enthuses that this is her first crime scene with them, calling her "Caitlin". She reminds him about Air Force One (or rather, Not Air Force One), but he dismisses this, as Kate was in the Secret Service then. Ducky wants Tony to take a team photo, but Gibbs nixes this, noting that the sun will be up soon, and pulling a box out of his bag and handing it to Kate. Gibbs thrusts the box at Kate with "Welcome to NCIS," and slaps an NCIS cap on her head. Kate grins wryly and pulls a pair of boots out of the box. Awesome. Kate wonders how Gibbs knew her size. Silly Kate. Gibbs knows everything! Gibbs tells her to put them on, because "You can't work a field in high heels." Tony begins to unveil his Fratboy Persona by snarking that it depends on the kind of work you're doing. He’s totally picturing her on a stripper pole right now. Kate snits something about his X-rated mind as she goes to put on her boots. Tony is unfazed. "Photos, Tony" barks Gibbs, attempting to bring the focus back to the crime scene at hand. Clearly this is not entirely successful, as while Tony photographs the unfortunate Marine, he asks Ducky about Gibbs' wanton phone abuse from earlier. Ducky groans, saying he should have realised the time of year. Tony is intrigued. "It's his anniversary," Ducky explains. Tony is eager for gossip. "Which marriage?" he asks. "The last one, of course," duhs Ducky. "Isn't it always?" Heh. Tony and Ducky continue their examination of the car and the corpse, with Tony squeezing in beside Ducky in the doorway of the car to demand further explanation. Ducky elaborates: "Every year, ex-wife number 3 gets drunk on their anniversary and calls him. Repeatedly." Ahhh, drunk dialling your ex. Tony wonders why Gibbs doesn't change his number, but Ducky has no clue. Um, Contrivance and Exposition told him not to? Ducky intones dramatically that Gibbs is a man of "more questions than answers." Whatever.

Fortunately, Gibbs and a boot-shod Kate stride back onto the scene to put an end to this nonsense, and I flail around for the power cord before my laptop dies. Once they've arrived and my battery is safely recharging, Tony takes a picture of Kate. She snidely thanks him, and he announces that she "could be the NCIS poster girl in that outfit." She does look rather cute, with her hair pulled up under her cap, her grey skirt suit and boots. Aw. I still think I can't pull of the corporate wear, and I have to wear some approximation of it daily. Feh. But enough about me. Kate rolls her eyes and smirks at Tony as we flash to some shots of the poor dead Marine, like, can't they take the poor bastard out of the truck already?

We cut to the airbase as power chords twang on the soundtrack. Yes, power chords, it's all terribly manly and dramatic. We get it. Now, shhh. Gibbs and Kate stride up as some Marine Dude powers over to meet them, wondering if they are JAG or NCIS. Gibbs wonders sarcastically if he looks like a lawyer (answer: No), as the Marine Dude spits that the news is all over the base, and bitches that his men can't call their families to reassure them that they were not the poor unfortunate who slammed through the roof of a date rape in progress. The poor unfortunate Marine gets a name - Sergeant Fuentes - as Gibbs wonders if he was married. Marine Dude says that he was, with a young son. You know, so we know how tragic it all is. Gibbs tells Marine Dude that the "notification detail" should be there by now informing the wife of her new widow status. He says that word will get out who was killed, which will make all the other families feel better, or something. Marine Dude, chewing the scenery with a side of relish, spits that Sergeant Fuentes was under his command, and he would like to pay a visit to the widow himself, but Gibbs shoots him down, saying that he has to question Marine Dude and his men first. Marine Dude hisses and spits, and Gibbs sneers at him. They piss and bitch for a while, with Marine Dude sneering that he doesn't take orders from "Navy cops," but Gibbs whips out his, uh, mobile to call Marine Dude's boss, a Commandant May. Marine Dude slinks off in defeat, having lost the measuring contest (of course), and Tony, whose mobile Gibbs was using, protests that he doesn't have a Marine Commandant's number in his speed dial. Gibbs smugs that "the Captain didn't know that," then sends Tony to "shoot and sketch" on the plane, "especially the static lines." Meanwhile, he and Kate will interrogate the rest of the Marines. Tony enthuses about how cool jumping is, and I agree with him. Gibbs snarks that he can pay $180 like all those other "weekend warriors". Tony rightly points out that he has few free weekends, then poses, smirking, on the plane as Gibbs and Kate go to interrogate the survivors of the jump.

The other Marines, meanwhile, sit glumly in a line like naughty school boys. Gibbs and Kate chat to the three other Marines who jumped with Sergeant Fuentes, asking if he led "[their] stick." That sounded dirty. A Marine called Dafelmair confirms this, saying that he was "number two, Ramsey was three, Brinkman four." We cut to a flashback, with Marine Dude yelling, "First stick, you're up! Fuentes, look sharp!" and ushering them towards the hatch of the plane. The four men fly out of the hatch (whee!), as Ramsey continues the narrative, saying that after his chute deployed, he looked around. He saw Brinkman's chute open above him, but when he looked down, only one other chute had opened. He continues that he didn't know if it was "Paul" (I presume he means Dafelmair) or "Thumper". Kate queries this, and Ramsey tells her that this was their nickname for Fuentes. Brinkman continues that while it might sound crazy now, Fuentes what the squad's "good luck guy". Ramsey interjects that he was "a walking rabbit's foot." "Thumper," says Kate, getting it. Ramsey nods and says that Fuentes "always seemed to dodge the bullets. We could tell you a million stories." Gibbs, perhaps scarred from his association with Ducky, butts in, telling him they only want one story. Ramsey obliges, telling Gibbs that Fuentes bought a new bike "last week", and had an unfortunate collision with a car running a red light. Dafelmair adds that Fuentes "dinged his collarbone a little. Other than that, not a scratch." Gibbs queries this. Dafelmair says that he was fine after a day or two, looking slightly shifty. Gibbs hmmphs at this, then wonders who reached him first. Dafelmair says that he did, having seen him "Roman candle short of the field." He says that as soon as he unhooked himself, he was off to find Fuentes. Gibbs asks what Ramsey and Brinkman were up to during that time. Brinkman "hung up in a tree, [Ramsey] gave me hand. Saw [Dafelmair] yelling. We joined him." Ramsey chokes up. "I can't believe the way Thumper died. It was like a bad movie." Or a CBS show. Gibbs nods at this, and asks (Corporal) Dafelmair if Fuentes was dead when he reached him. Dafelmair confirms that he was, and says he died on impact, or "at least, I hope he did." Kate chooses this moment to ask why Fuentes didn't pull his reserve. Brinkman tells her than when you are jumping from 1,300 feet and your main fails, you have only a few seconds to react. Gibbs then tells the men that they all will need to prepare a statement detailing what they saw. "Yes, sir!" they exclaim in unison. They turn and reach for their gear, but Gibbs stops them, almost purring that their gear is his now. The boys pout and slink away. Gibbs asks Kate what she thinks. Kate thinks Fuentes didn't have time to "pop his reserve." Gibbs asks why not, obviously doing his training shtick. Kate says that his reaction time was too slow. "Nuts," declares Gibbs. Heh. "Dinged collarbone," says Kate. "Injured clavicle hurts like hell," says Gibbs. He says that it takes more than a couple of days to heal. Kate wonders if he thinks Dafelmair was lying. "He was if he knew that Thumper was taking painkillers so he could jump." Kate declares that to be stupid. Gibbs corrects her, saying "that's a Marine." Nah, too easy.

Morgue. Ducky enumerates Fuentes' various injuries. Gibbs asks about his clavicle. Ducky is incredulous. "With all this massive skeletal damage, you're curious about his clavicle?" Gibbs smiles and asks Ducky to humour him. Ducky pulls the relevant x-ray off the light box and wonders how Gibbs knew about the fine hairline fracture on the left clavicle. Gibbs knows everything, Ducky. Keep up. Anyway, Kate jumps in to state that it occurred recently, but not last night. Ducky is slightly wigged about his psychic co-workers. Gibbs asks if the fracture would be painful. Ducky says that it wouldn't be too severe in normal conditions, but that the shock of a parachute opening would "hurt like blazes." He wants to know how they knew about the fracture. Gibbs ignores this, reminding Ducky that Blonde said she heard Fuentes moan, and wants to know if he was alive after impact. Ducky sighs and grimaces sadly. "Briefly," he says gravely. Ow ow ow. Poor Fuentes. He had to listen to emo while dying! Gibbs and Kate make sad faces while approaching poor, tormented Fuentes' body. Ducky cautions her not to get too close, saying that he will put pictures up on the monitor for her, clearly worried that she might hurl all over the corpse. Ducky notes that Fuentes suffered massive internal trauma, while positioning his camera, but that the technical cause of death was severing of the femoral artery. We see a close up of Fuentes' mangled femoral artery. Kate looks like she is, indeed, going to hurl. Heh. Ducky continues that Fuentes bled to death, as the close up of the femoral artery fades into an arty shot of ... um, red stuff, as we cut to the lab. Apparently Abby has created a wicked cool picture of "self-inflicted gunshot wound to the abdomen," which she is currently proudly displaying to Tony. Heh.

Gibbs chooses this moment to barge in and ask about his tox screen results. Um. He means Fuentes' tox screen ... never mind. Abby says that Fuentes tested positive for Percocet and Vicodin. Mmm, vicodin. She and Tony do a little "double your pleasure, double your fun" riff that Gibbs ignores in favour of asking what the levels were, which were "0.17. He was slow-juiced, like a koala bear." They love the Australian wildlife over there, it would seem. Abby guesses that he took the painkillers right before he jumped. Gibbs bitches that the Marines in Fuentes' string probably knew about it. Kate wonders why they didn't tell them, but Abby answers with "Semper Fi. You rat, you fry." Heh. Gibbs gives her A Look, then asks if Fuentes' reserve chute was okay. Abby confirms that it was, all he had to do was "pop it." Kate notes that he might have if his reflexes weren't slowed by "opioids". Tony is clueless. "General term for opiates and synthetic analgesics," explains Kate for the slower audience members. Abby is impressed, and Gibbs snarks about whether or not Tony was really a Baltimore cop. Tony makes a whatever face. Kate gets back to business, saying that Fuentes was too doped up to pull his reserve. Gibbs isn't so sure. He says that there would be a hell of a lot of adrenaline pumping, painkillers or no. Especially if your chute doesn't open. Well, quite. Kate wonders why, then, if he had the reflexes, he didn't use them. Gibbs is all, exactly, my dear, and asks Abby what she found on the main chute. Abby scampers into another part of the lab, explaining that she found "fibre disintegration. But not from textile fatigue." Apparently the lines are showing "some sort of cleansing agent, but that didn't cause this kind of damage." She runs a UV light over the ends of the cords, and Kate notes that the edges look melted. Abby says that it was some kind of acid. Gibbs wonders how long it will take to find out what kind of acid and to check out the rest of chutes. Abby notes that she has no assistant, so at least a day. Gibbs wonders if it would be faster with an assistant, then volunteers Kate. Kate is delighted. "I get to do forensics?" she beams. "No," replies Gibbs, "you get to schlepp for Abby. She gets to do forensics," as he and Tony march out the door. Abby hands Kate a lab coat and the girls smile at each other, basking in the glow of the sisterhood, or something.

Airbase. Tony is photographing the shrouds, while Gibbs questions Dafelmair, wanting to know why he didn't tell them he was a rigger. Dafelmair thought they knew. "Did you?" Gibbs asks quietly, so you know he's suspicious. Gibbs asks what's next, and Dafelmair continues his demonstration of packing the chutes, saying "Sign the log and stick it in the chute pocket." He then demonstrates, while Gibbs snatches up the log and puts it next to, presumably, the one from Fuentes' chute. "Same signature," he growls, as Dafelmair asks if that was the log from "Thumper's" chute. Gibbs confirms, noting "You packed it," and picking up a folder and stomping off. Dafelmair scurries after him, protesting that he didn't know that Fuentes would get one that he packed. He says that the chutes are handed out randomly, even when the riggers jumped. Gibbs is surprised that riggers do jumps too. "On training runs, yes, sir." Tony wants to know how many riggers jumped last night. Dafelmair lists the names, and, surprise, surprise (not): "Corporal Ramsey, Brinkman and Thumper, of course." He adds that Fuentes is senior rigger, and Gibbs snipes that Dafelmair must have figured they knew that too. Dafelmair protests that they weren't trying to hide anything, but Gibbs disagrees. Tony brings up the painkillers while popping a chute. "He died because he was too juiced to pull his reserve," he says evenly. Dafelmair protests that there is no way to sabotage a chute and give it to a specific person. Gibbs asks if all the chutes were packed there. Dafelmair says they were packed at 0900, and stored on base under lock and key until they were loaded on the truck at 1800 for the jump. Gibbs wonders who had access for the nine hours between the time they were packed and the time they were loaded for the jump. Gibbs wants to know who has the key. Dafelmair says Captain Faul (by whom I assume he means the scenery chewing Marine Dude from earlier) and Fuentes both had keys. Gibbs and Tony share A Look, then Gibbs glares at Dafelmair and turns to his folder. He brings up Dafelmair's criminal record. Dafelmair sighs and admits that he "made a few mistakes." Gibbs continues, noting that Dafelmair got busted for shoplifting. "Drug possession," Gibbs continues. Dafelmair protests that that was a long time ago. Tony notes that it was in fact only three years ago. "Not so long," he says. Dafelmair splutters. He says the Judge gave him a choice: prison or the service. Dafelmair is adamant! The Corp gave him a second chance! He loves the Corp! He would never hurt a brother Marine! Gibbs is all, dude. Dial it down.

Lab. Abby and Kate futz with some cords and wait for results on the monitor. "Carl Sagan time," Abby purrs. Heh. You should read Carl Sagan. He's good. The results pop up, and it turns out that sulphuric acid is the culprit. Kate smiles delightedly, and they get busy with the exposition. Exposition is thrilled at the unexpected threeway. "How did you get into this?" Kate wonders. "Filled out an application," deadpans Abby. No, forensics, Kate clarifies. Abby explains that when she was a kid, they lived near a junk lot, and that she used to sneak in at night to take pictures. "It wasn't about the gore, it was more about figuring out how things happen," Abby explains. Kate nods. Abby wants the dirt on Kate. "Actually, I wanted to be a lawyer," Kate sighs. Ahhh, lawyer bashing. "I did a year in law school. It felt like 10 years in prison." "With really boring inmates?" Abby replies. Heh. My practitioners are clearly all freaks, then. They're wacky! Anyway, the girls continue, with Abby telling Kate to confess that she just really likes strapping on a gun. "More than one," smirks Kate. "Really," Abby leers, "You packing more heat than meets the eye?" Kate raises an eyebrow and asks Abby "those your only tattoos?" Abby comes back with "You show me yours, I'll show you mine," and Kate laughs and bites her lip. Exposition falls back, spent, and lights a cigarette.

Airbase. A guy is jumping off a platform, practicing for a jump. Tony asks Gibbs if he ever jumped. "When I get an electric shock," snarks Gibbs, and Tony placidly replies that that explains why Gibbs doesn't use power tools. Heh. Gibbs asks Tony if he's going to do a jump. Tony says he thinks he is, as a Lance Corporal runs up to Gibbs to present him with a package. Turns out the package is from Ducky. Gibbs rips it open, as Tony picks up a note which has fallen from the package to the ground. "Jethro, the bean counters couldn't find you, so they gave this to me. I suggest you read the instructions on cell-blocking." Heh. Gibbs futzes with his new phone as he bitches at Tony for reading his mail. The phone rings and Gibbs tells the caller (Abby) he'll be there in 20. He looks at the jumping platform and tells Tony that some of the guys freeze on their first jump, needing a kick in the butt to get them out of the plane. Tony says he won't freeze, and Gibbs agrees, saying that Tony needs a kick in the ass on the ground. He shoves the empty box into Tony, who keeps watching the dudes on the platform, clearly rapt.

Lab. Abby is getting arty with some jumping cords and a pair of blue lights. Tony tells her she's "very Electric Kool-Aid." Abby replies that she was thinking more Blue Man Group. Kate enters to tell Gibbs that Fuentes' chute wasn't the only one tampered with. Apparently 9 out of 16 rigs were tampered with, and different riggers packed the lot. Gibbs wants to know how many Dafelmair packed. Four, Kate says, and the rest by Brinkman and Fuentes. Tony wonders if Ramsey packed any. Negative, says Kate. When his signature didn't show up in the logs, she did a little digging. Turns out he was suspended for two weeks for sloppy work. Damn, I wish I could do that with certain people at my work. And I'm sure Ms Hyphenate would agree. Ahem. Anyway, guess who wrote him up? Yes, boys and girls, it was Fuentes. Tony gleefully notes that they now have a motive. Abby tells him they have more than that, and that she and Kate have a theory. Tony wonders why Abby didn't take to him so fast, and Abby compares him to a piercing, saying "it takes a while for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back," as she slaps him affably on the back. Heh. Indeed. Tony, the king of TMI, says that's more than he needed to know, and Gibbs asks what the theory is. Abby says that whoever messed with the rigging left some skin cells behind, and that she has pulled skin samples from the chutes that were messed with. Gibbs asked if she got a DNA signature. Abby notes that she got different samples from each of the nine chutes, but that there was only one set that was common to all nine. Kate says that the riggers of record packed the chutes, and then the saboteur came in and repacked them, leaving a DNA sample. Tony suggests Ramsey. Abby says that depending on how much he knows about forensics, he is either really smart, or really dumb. Way to cover your bases there, Abbs. Gibbs thinks there should be other chutes packed by Ramsey in the paraloft for comparison. Nope. All the chutes were packed since Ramsey was suspended. Kate remembers that there is an Armed Forces DNA Registry, and that they should be able to use that to compare their sample. Gibbs tells her no, they can only use that to identify the bodies of deceased military personnel. "There's gotta be a way around that," Kate declares. Gibbs smirks proudly and tells her that now she's thinking like an NCIS agent. Kate wriggles like an eager puppy.

Interrogation. Gibbs is strong arming some JAG lawyer who apparently he has met before, but I have no idea what he's on about because I didn't see the JAG episode where the NCIS gang were introduced, so I'm going to skim over this part. Gibbs wants access to the DNA database, but the lawyer guy won't give it to him. Gibbs gets all up in his personal space and steals his pen, and then asks for search authorisations. Lawyer guy caves, whining for his pen back.

Squadroom. Kate bitches to Gibbs that he knew all along that the lawyer guy wouldn't give them access to the database. Gibbs plays innocent, then explains the concept of horsetrading to Kate - basically he asked for something he knew he wouldn't get, so that when he asked for the search authorisations, without probable cause, he knew that lawyer guy would give it to him. Kate wonders if any of Gibbs' horsetrading ancestors were hung. "Yeah, a few," Gibbs replies affably enough. Kate nods all, yeah I thought as much, while Gibbs asks Tony if he found out what Fuentes wrote Ramsey up for. "Yeah," Tony replies, "Frayed lines, bent cones, cuts in the canopy." He editorialises, "I tell you, I hope this guy isn't going to medical school at night." Apparently, the "scuttlebutt", which Tony helpfully defines for Kate, is that Ramsey took a swing at Fuentes for suspending him. Gibbs' mobile phone rings, interrupting the chatter. Gibbs checks the caller id, muttering "Identity withheld". Tony smarts off about all women doing that, and then you marry them, and then ... Gibbs gives him a look of death, at which point Tony decides to shut up and heads back to his desk. He passes Kate's desk, and she snits about him generalising. Gibbs tells them to meet him at the paraloft at 1400 to execute the search authorisations. Tony and Kate banter about military versus Zulu time. Gibbs shakes his head and exits the office. I remind Gibbs that it is going to get much, much worse, but he doesn’t listen to me.

Fuentes' house. We see a half-built treehouse with a sad moppet sitting on the platform. Gibbs veers away from the front door and attempts to engage Sad Moppet in conversation. Sad Moppet ignores him. Gibbs tells SM he needs a password for his treehouse. SM sobs that he doesn't, since the treehouse is never going to be finished. Aw. Or something. Gibbs is quietly sympathetic, as SM's mum barrels out the front door, demanding to know who Gibbs is. Gibbs introduces himself, and the Widow Fuentes bitches that she is on her way to her husband's funeral and in no mood to answer questions. Gibbs knows, and says he's not here for that. SM interrupts that Gibbs says he needs a password for his treehouse. Widow Fuentes is, understandably, confused at the wildly careening topic of conversation. Gibbs explains that he told SM that the treehouse should have a password, and cutely nods his head. Widow Fuentes is all, "oh," and says that Fuentes was building the treehouse for SM. Gibbs praises his work, and we get to the "my poor dead husband was a good man!/I will find out who did this" part of the show. On any other crime show, you can't promise the bereaved that you will find the perpetrator, but this is NCIS, where Gibbs Knows Everything, so he can make that promise. SM is worried about the Marines at Fuentes' funeral seeing him cry, so Gibbs tells him about JFK Junior saluting his dad's coffin. "You salute your dad today," he tells him quietly, "and nobody will notice tears." Aw. I'm not in the least chocked up by any of this, but it was cute. SM sniffles bravely, and takes his mum's hand as they head off. Widow Fuentes turns back and tells Gibbs she believes he'll get whoever killed her husband. "You have my word," he says gravely. And he can do that, because he's Gibbs! And Gibbs Knows Everything!

Ahem. Sorry. Too much vodka.

Airbase. Tony is on the jumping platform as the instructor gives him ... uh ... instructions. And asks if he signed the release form. Heh. Tony jumps and rolls in the dirt. Gibbs and Kate approach in the background, with Kate snarking that Tony was very ladylike flailing in the dirt there. Heh. Gibbs bitches, and Tony claims he was doing research for Abby. Gibbs does not fall for that crap, and gestures for him to follow. Kate wonders how Tony got into NCIS. Tony says "I smiled," and unleashes a massive toothy grin in her direction. Heh. Okay, that was kinda cute.

Paraloft. Nutt leads the agents over to the riggers' lockers, telling them he had them sealed immediately after the accident. Dafelmair, Ramsey and Brinkman sullenly hand over their keys. The agents unseal the lockers, and there is a brief search montage as the boys look on. Kate pulls a box out of a locker and announces that she's got something. Dramatic strings swell to make sure we get it, as Kate takes the box over to a nearby bench. She pushes her hair back behind her ear as she goes through the box, like, way to contaminate the evidence there, sweetpea. The dramatic strings continue as Ramsey, Dafelmair and Brinkman look on anxiously. Kate hands Gibbs a bottle of brass-stripper solvent, which just happens to have sulphuric acid as an ingredient. Tony shoots Gibbs A Look, and smartly states "'Harmful if swallowed.' Or applied to shroud lines." Indeed. Kate tells Gibbs that the box is from Ramsey's locker, while Ramsey protests that the stuff isn't his. Gibbs tells Nutt to place Ramsey in custody, and Tony to read Ramsey his rights. The dramatic strings work themselves into a lather as we cut to ...

Interrogation. Gibbs flips Ramsey's key in his hand as he needles Ramsey about the fight he had with Fuentes about his suspension. Ramsey stiffly replies that "words were exchanged." "And fists," continues Gibbs. Ramsey says it was nothing serious. He grits that he wasn't angry enough to kill Fuentes. Gibbs says that maybe Ramsey only meant to scare Fuentes, but that because Fuentes was on painkillers, he didn't have time to pull his reserve. Ramsey denies this, saying that he could not have done so, since the chutes were locked up.

Observation. Tony enters, having been to a hardware store where apparently the clerk recalled serving a "Marine in a real hurry to copy a key," but gave no other description Kate nods thoughtfully.

Interrogation. Gibbs brandishes the paraloft key at Ramsey. Ramsey declares that Gibbs won't find a match on his key ring. He says that he's messed up some rigging, but never on purpose. Gibbs checks Ramsey's keys as Ramsey tells him that when someone jumps with one of his chutes, that guy puts his life in Ramsey's hands. Ramsey would never breach that trust. Never, he says! Gibbs, meanwhile, has found a match on the key ring and snidely asks Ramsey if the key was planted too. Ramsey affirms this, declaring his innocence once again. Gibbs offers to let him prove this, asking for a DNA sample. Ramsey wonders if they don't already have his DNA on something else the real killer planted. Gibbs gives him a cheery, "You don't." We all know this is a red herring, right? Ramsey didn't do it? Very good.

Squadroom. Gibbs bitches about Tony's handwriting. Abby bounces in to announce that she finally managed to get a sample from the dry-mouthed Ramsay. She tells Gibbs that it will take 24 hours for a result. Kate observes that you don't expect a guilty man to give a DNA sample. Tony tells her that he's gambling that it won't match. "Guilty people do that?" Kate wonders. All the time, Tony laughs. Gibbs thinks Kate might be on to something, though. "What if Ramsey was set up? What if he's innocent? What if he's telling the truth?" he wonders. Tony says they'll know in 24 hours, but he's sceptical. Gibbs doesn't want to wait, though. He needs action! No, not like that. Kate reminds those of us too drunk to keep up that there are only two other possible suspects - Dafelmair or Brinkman. Gibbs tells her that there's also Captain Faul. Dramatic strings play as they prepare to head off. Gibbs puts the brakes on Tony, telling him he has a report to finish. For some reason, he also calls him "bubba." Hee. Tony is crestfallen.

Airbase. Captain Faul sings Fuentes' praises, and expresses disbelief that Ramsey could have been angry enough to kill him. Kate points out that Ramsey hasn't been found guilty yet. Faul says they're holding him, and that the scuttlebutt is that Ramsey confessed. Gibbs calmly replies that he never knew a Marine captain who believed scuttlebutt. He gives Faul a broad smile as Faul glares, and asks how he prepared the day of the exercise. Faul blathers some military speak. Gibbs notes that they used a Navy plane for the exercise. Faul says that the Marine planes are in Iraq. Kate asks about lunch, and there's more blather about Faul's afternoon. Gibbs asks about Faul's paraloft key. Faul pulls it out of his desks and shows to the agents. Gibbs tells Kate that Ramsey must have stolen Faul's key to make a copy and get in to the paraloft. Gibbs and Kate shake with Faul and go to leave. Faul calls out to them, wanting to know why they didn't just ask to see his key. Gibbs smoothes that he's teaching Kate about interrogation. Faul does not buy this explanation. Gibbs and Kate smirk out of the room as Faul glares after them. Nobody really thinks he did it either, right? We all know who actually did it, right? Excellent. Have a cookie.

Squadroom. Gibbs and Kate barrel in, and Tony asks if Faul had an alibi. Kate affirms this, and Tony assumes that means that Ramsey is guilty. Kate reminds everyone about Dafelmair and Brinkman. Again. Some more. Gibbs reads some notes, and realises that Ramsey participated in loading chutes onto the plane. Tony says that Ramsey was only suspended from rigging, not passing out chutes or jumping. Kate sighs that Ramsey could have handed Fuentes a "dirty chute." This sets off the Eureka! moment for Gibbs. He notes Kate's use of the word "dirty" and bolts, with a confused Tony and Kate in tow.

Lab. Gibbs barges in, demanding to see Fuentes' reserve chute. Abby forestalls him, telling him she did a "particle pick" on the shroud lines. Apparently she found traces of cocaine, but it was too pure for it to be from an addict. Apparently whoever killed Fuentes is involved in packing and cutting the stuff. The gang decide that Fuentes was not killed for suspending Ramsey, and they skitter over to check out Fuentes' reserve chute. Abby insists that it's clean. Gibbs says it's too clean, particularly if it supposedly smashed through a tree and into an SUV. He wants to know where the other confiscated jump gear is. Abby points him towards the stash, wondering what he's looking for. "A screwed pooch," Gibbs replies. Is that weird military terminology again? The gang check chutes until they find a dirty reserve chute. It's number 13, natch. Apparently it was switched after the jump, and the cone has been soldered into place - meaning that it wouldn't have opened even if Fuentes had been quick enough to try. Tony wonders whose rucksack they pulled the chute from. They check the label, and there is much exchanging of Looks, but they choose not to share this information with the audience just yet. Gibbs says to call Captain Faul and tell him that jump ops can resume. Kate asks if she should tell Faul who the killer is. Gibbs says no, he doesn't want DNA evidence. "I want this bastard to confess," he growls. Kate leaves, and Tony looks enquiringly at Gibbs. "How we gonna do that?" "Wear this when we jump," Gibbs says. Tony's all, the hell?

Airbase. Marines pile onto the plane, as Gibbs and Tony, in jumping gear, greet Captain Faul jovially. Faul snarks at them, and Gibbs announces that they're going with them, as he's running an "NCIS training mission." Faul may chew the scenery, but proves he's no idiot by not falling for that line. Gibbs cocks his head, and Faul gives in. "Hate to pass up the opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane!" he sings as he hauls Gibbs up. Heh.

Plane. Dafelmair wonders why Gibbs and Tony are there. Tony says he's always wanted to jump; Gibbs just came along to laugh. Dafelmair can't believe Ramsey would kill Fuentes over a two week suspension. Gibbs agrees, and Brinkman adds that Fuentes rode Ramsey hard, but no more than the rest of them, if you know what I mean, and I think you do. Okay, he doesn’t say that last part. It just doesn't make sense! Tony chooses this moment to put their little scam into play. "Oh no!" he cries (unconvincingly). Gibbs snarks at him, wondering if he is chickening out. Tony shows Gibbs Fuentes' reserve. He says it's his first jump, and his reserve is number 13. That's bad luck! What to do? Gibbs snarks to Dafelmair and Brinkman that it wouldn't have bothered Fuentes. No sir! The two boys look at each other as Gibbs wonders if they are superstitious. They are not. Great! Gibbs declares. He suggests that Tony swap with Brinkman. But no! Brinkman's chute is number four! That's bad luck in China! Gibbs snarks that they are not in China, but assents and asks Dafelmair what his chute number is. Dafelmair's chute is number eight, which is fine by Tony. Eight is good luck in China! Swap on! But wait! Dafelmair stares at the chute, clearly recognising it, and Gibbs asks if there is a problem. Dramatic strings cue up again, as Dafelmair reluctantly swaps over his chute. Faul yells at everyone to stand as a buzzer goes off, and they all hook up to the line as Faul gestures for them to move forward. As they head for the door, Gibbs wonders if Fuentes rode Dafelmair. Ahem. About being a drug dealer, that is. Don’t ask, don’t tell! Dafelmair stares at Gibbs. "That's his reserve chute you're wearing," says Gibbs with a falsely friendly smile, "the one you switched on him when he landed." Dafelmair looks at the Chute of Death, rolls his eyes slightly and pleads ignorance. Tony, all business, reminds him that he was the first one to get to Fuentes. Brinkman demands an explanation, but Dafelmair is stilling playing innocent. Tony continues needling, saying it only takes a few minutes to switch the chutes. Gibbs bitches that the Marine Corp gave Dafelmair a second chance, and that when Fuentes found out about the drug dealing he was going to turn him in. Captain Faul cuts in, confused. He thought Ramsey was guilty? "He is, sir!" yells Dafelmair desperately. Gibbs reaches out and cuts Dafelmair's main chute line, sneering at him to prove it. Captain Faul shrieks at him. Gibbs snarls that Dafelmair has a reserve. Dafelmair desperately protests that surely Faul won’t let this happen, but Faul just glares, as the buzzer sounds again. "Thirty seconds to drop!" he yells, clearly not about to let Dafelmair off the hook. Gibbs tells him to fess up already, suggesting that ratting out his drug supplier will get him a deal. Dafelmair sighs and nods slightly as everyone glares. "How good a deal?" he finally asks, as Gibbs spits to read him his Article 31s. Tony approaches Dafelmair to read him his rights, but a furious Brinkman screams that Dafelmair does not deserve a deal, and launches himself at Dafelmair. During the ensuing melee, Tony is (natch)inadvertently shoved out the door of the plane. I think it was Contrivance. Gibbs looks out the doorway, as Tony's chute opens and we hear Tony whooping as he sails through the air. Hee. That looked fun!

Squadroom. Tony is watching the dénouement on the news. Tony bitches that they never get the credit. Tony asks Gibbs if he is leaving soon, and Gibbs mutters mom-hmmm as Tony packs up to leave. Tony wishes him a good night and limps out the door. Gibbs smirks. Heh. Gibbs’ mobile rings. Caller id withheld. Gibbs drops the phone in his desk drawer and leaves.

Fuentes House. SM emerges from the house to find Gibbs hammering away at the treehouse. SM asks if he can come up. Gibbs wants to know if he has a password. SM has: Semper Fi. Of course. Gibbs smiles approvingly and SM scampers joyfully up the ladder. Wow. That kid has no attention span! I mean, uh, I'm totally touched by this happy ending, as we fade to black.

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Dear Transadelaide

I appreciate that running the trains on time is a huge effort for you, and when you are only five minutes late, I can forgive you.

But. Could you please, for the love of all that is good and pure, refrain from RUNNING THE AIR CONDITIONING WHEN IT IS APPROXIMATELY FIVE DEGREES?

Kisses!
CP

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I'm curious about this

>> Friday, July 11, 2008

My practitioners get a boatload of spam - presumably because their email addresses are on our company website - and they frequently get these ...


Hello friend. I ask you not to be surprised to get my letter. I haveseen yours
account in a site of acquaintances. Matchfinder orSingles.au. I thought and
decided to write a letter to you. I look forthe true love. Probably it is
impossible, but I look for love inInternet. And I will arrive to Australia in
the near future.I think that probably you and I can create big and fair
relations. Iwant to get acquainted with you better. I will arrive to Australia
soon.My girlfriend invites me to Australia. And I have decided to look forthe
love either.I am a Russian woman. My motherland is Russia. My city
isSt.-Petersburg. I hope you don't think bad of Russian women . I knowthat many
bad people have created bad impression about Russian women. Iwant to say at once
that I will not ask you for money. My girlfriendwill give me money for my trip
to Australia. I want to find love only.And may be big happiness. Only serious
relations.Why do I look for a man in your country? My best girlfriend lives
inAustralia. She got married Australian man. They are very happy together.Such
happens! The only problem is that my girlfriend doesn't hear anddoes not
speak. It was an awful accident several years ago. But mygirlfriend is happy
together with her australian man. They are very veryhappy together.My girlfriend
advised me to look for a person in Australia. She hasassured that I can find
good man. All is possible in our world! I amsure that I can find
good and fair man in Australia.
I can arrive to Australia at any time. As
soon as I want. I have a visaand the sanction to entry Australia. My girlfriend
helped me to do avisa.My girlfriend will give me money for trip. She will pay
all my charges.We are friends very long. Since our childhood. We always helped
eachother. And my girlfriend wants to help me to arrive to Australia. I
canarrive to the man who will want to create love with me. Probably it isyou? I
want to believe in it.My girlfriend has explained me that I shouldn't worry
about money. Shecan provide all. Also in the future she can give me good work
with a bigsalary. If I want to stay in Australia. And if I will find a good
man.
I want true and serious relations. I don't understand and I don't wantto
play game. I will be happy to learn better if you are ready to startbuild
serious relations. We can try just for beginning. We can try tocreate love and
happiness. I think that there are no distances andbarrier for love. Only people
create miracles. May be me and you, we cancreate a miracle which will be called
as love. Do you agree with me?I will be glad to arrive to Australia to create
big feeling with you. Itrust in love and in good people. I think and hope that
you are a goodperson.I will wait for your answer. I will tell you about myself
more in detailin the following letter. I will send you my photos. Write to me.
Yourletter will do me the happiest woman. I will wait for your letter.Promise to
answer me please.I wrote this letter to you from common e-mail from
Internet-cafe. Writethe answer to my personal e-mail.
Here is my personal
e-mail: spbolesya008@yahoo.com
I want only one thing , to be loved and happy Your Olesya
So, what's the deal? If you respond to the email, do they hack your computer and steal your details? Is this an actual "Russian Bride" type scam?

But anyway. Until I find out, I am more than happy to be endlessly amused by the awful English and grammar, and the thought of either of my (female) practitioners being hit on by strange Russian chicks.

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Ick

>> Thursday, July 10, 2008

So, about this guy ... there has been a whole hell of a fuss about him all over the media over the last little while. Frankly, the very sight of the guy creeps me out - he's like a walking stereotype, you could just put his picture up and people would automatically think he's some kind of serial killer or pervet. I really can't fault the people who have been running him off every time the guy moves - I mean, really, even without kids of my own I wouldn't want him living any where near me. Yick. HOWEVER ...

While I think that the Judge in this case has stuffed up badly - as we discovered with Carl Williams in Melbourne, it is in fact possible to get a fair trial, despite negative publicity and the fact that I really do think most people are morons - what he should have done was set the matter down for trial some time down the road - a year, two years, whatever - and slapped a whole bunch of suppression orders on the media. That way the public would have had plenty of time to forget about all the fuss about him before the matter came back to trial.

Also, while I have no doubt it's been said plenty of times - media, if you want to bitch about this case, how about not exacerbating the situation? The Judge canned the case because of publicity; so in what universe do you think that having hysterics and splashing him all over the papers and the nightly news is going to help when it comes to the hearing of the appeal? Huh? Idiots.

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Ha!!

I knew it! I knew it, I knew it!

A tiny tidbit story in today's Advertiser says ...

That my dog is not in fact necessarily meaner than your dog:

SMALL dogs, especially dachshunds, are likelier to attack strangers and
other dogs compared with pitbulls, rottweilers and other macho breeds, a
study has found.
US researchers sent questionnaires to the owners of 30 breeds of
dogs to assess how their pet responded to a variety of common stimuli and
situations.
Dachshunds, Chihuahuas and Jack Russell terriers topped the list
for aggressiveness, while Brittany spaniels, greyhounds and whippets were the
most docile.
The study appears in Applied Animal Behaviour Science, a
journal published by the Dutch group Elsevier.
So to all those people who automatically assume that my dog is a vicious brute, and their teeny rat-like creature is all sweetness and light, you can just shut the hell up.



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Woot!

Hooray!

So, I finally got the damn code to work! The downside is that there's a "read more" link on every post now, but I'm still pleased that I actually managed to figure it out, what with my utter lack of knowledge of codes and HTML. In the meantime, please do not bring proceedings for false advertising if you click a "read more" link and there's nothing else to read, 'kay?

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Rrr...

>> Sunday, July 06, 2008

So I'm trying to edit the code on this damn thing to create expandable posts, since the recap is so damn long. Nope. The code didn't work. I'm assuming it's not the code's fault; it's just that the vodka has fogged my brain so much that I can't follow a damn instruction. Perhaps some experimentation during lunch next week when I am sober might be helpful here, so whatever.

BUT. I then decide to try and put my links back in. But THAT function is also not working, most likely due to the fact that the Boy's love of World of Warcraft is hogging the computer even as he sleeps. And it keeps crashing Explorer as I surf. Which means that, on the very rare occasion that I get to use the internet at home, that fucking game is still pissing me off. HATE.

Plus side? Since I am pissed off my head, due to a crazazy stressful week, we may see the return of drunken blogging! Mind you, reading over current events, I'm finding it hard to get riled up about anything enough to bitch about it. Which is odd, because there is an awful lot to get riled up about. I blame Officer Asshat, the barrister who has melted my brain with the job from hell.

Which is another "complaint" - I am currently working in a pretty good Non-Evil Law Firm, and the people I work with rule - except, of course, when they hire barristers like Officer Asshat - and there is some hilarious stuff going on that has even hit the local news. Can I post about it (and, you know, not get fired)? No. No, I can't. And people, that is crying shame. Because it involves about 200 pounds of crazy in a 10 pound bag, and is fucking hilarious. Seriously.

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Bad Idea Jeans

>> Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The award for worst idea I've heard this week goes to young lady who is marrying a certified nutjob (so, really, she's all OVER the bad ideas), and who has, according to The DVD Queen, dropped $3,500 on a wedding dress that is 3 sizes too small. Apparently this is going to motivate her to lose weight before her wedding.

Um, honey? That's roughly 30 kilos you gotta drop. And I hear that, while dieting and going to the gym and all that good stuff, you're also regularly noshing on Maccas and chocolate. You do realise that come your wedding, you're going to be REALLY disappointed? No? Well. Don't expect me to tell you. Except for the part where I just did.

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The best scam I've seen this week

>> Tuesday, July 01, 2008

This is dumb. And yet wickedly awesome at the same time!
The spam messages warn the recipient that they have been targeted for death - but will be spared if they pay up.

A typical message reads: “Someone paid me to kill you. If you want me to spare
you, I’ll give you two days to pay $5000. If you inform the police or anybody,
you will die, I am monitoring you.”
The amount is small enough that, if, for example, I wanted to have a certain crackhead pimp relative of mine killed, I could cough up, say $4,000 – after all, we have to assume that our fake hitman is coming back to the mark and getting them to pay him more not to off them, hence the $5,000 no-kill fee – even in these times of high interest rates and petrol prices. If an average person wants someone dead badly enough, they could totally pay that.

Nice! I totally went “pfffft – dumbasses” at first, but the more I think about it? If you’re a paranoid enough person, that kind of ruse would totally work.

Kudos!*


*This blog does not support assassination or mobile phone scams.

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NCIS Pilot

Drunken attempt at an NCIS recap ...

Shot of Air Force One as "Dubya" waves from the stairs and enters the plane. Cut to an interior shot of a hallway inside the plane. Steward type people are seated in hella plush chairs. Damn. I wish I had made a 24 hour flight in one of those seats, let me tell you. I was stuck next to a massively obese guy who kept elbowing me in the boobs. Anyway, all of the steward types jump to their feet as "Dubya" comes down the hall, spouting some Texan drivel about baby backs from Papa Joe's. I have no idea what he's on about. He tells Speaking Steward that he wants an early lunch. Okay, it's some kind of food. He then tells Balding Secret Service Guy about how much he loves this mystery food. "I know, Mr President," says BSSG, in much the same manner you might speak to a small child. Heh. BSSG is actually "Agent Baer," but since we never see him again, Balding Secret Service Guy he shall remain. "Dubya" then wonders why Major Kerry isn't handling the football. A pretty brunette Secret Service agent, and I won't pretend I don't know who she is, informs "Gee Dub" that Major Kerry has the flu, and introduces Commander Ray Trapp. Commander Trapp stands to attention and reminds "the Prez" that they met on the Abraham Lincoln. "Dumbass" declares that the trip to the Lincoln was the best day he's had on the job, and invites Commander Trapp to lunch. Commander Trapp is overjoyed. "Dubya" wanders off with BSSG as Kate notes that Commander Trapp must be destined for "stars on those shoulders" since he is having lunch with the boss on his first day. Did she just call him a kiss-ass? Commander Trapp sits, preens and pats the football resting on the floor by his chair, as we cut an exterior shot of the plane taking off.

Some time presumably a little later, a stewardess sets down a tray of the most appetizing airplane food I have ever seen. Another steward type walks down the hall towards where Commander Trapp had been sitting and offers BSSG and Agent Todd some lunch. They both decline and the steward disappears down the hall. BSSG informs Kate that he is off to Comms to get an update from Backhoe. That's what he said. I have no idea what the hell he's talking about. "Keep an eye on things down here," he tells her, and walks off. Kate stops him and asks if he's expecting a problem. Of course he is Kate. Haven't you seen the pre-credits sequence of this show before? Oh, right. Moving on. BSSG sagely warns her to expect problems, and with a little luck, she'll never lose a president. I suspect many Americans might feel that, with a little luck, they might just lose this one.

Speaking of problems, a Cleansing Burst of Synchronicity (TM Demian) escorts Commander Trapp back to his post. He's looking somewhat pasty and shaky. He proceeds to drop the football at his feet. He staggers forward a little, staring at his useless hand. As Kate stares at him with some concern, he chuckles nervously and tells her he "fumbled in [his] first army-navy game," but he recovered the ball. Kate continues to stare suspiciously as he sets the football down by his chair and turns to extend his hand, introducing himself. Haven't they already met? We officially learn that Kate's first name is, uh, Kate. Trapp starts to pant a bit and waxes lyrical about lunch with the President. Whatever. He gets all dizzy and slumps into his chair, as Kate asks if he's okay. He begins to have some kind of seizure and slumps to the floor. We learn that Kate's code name is Rosefern, as she tells "Slammer" (snerk) that there is a medical emergency in section one of the plane. She runs to check on Trapp as BSSG comes down the stairs. She tells him that she doesn't know what’s wrong, as Trapp starts spitting up white gunk. Gross. Medics come running to the scene, and quickly inform us that Trapp is not breathing and has no pulse. Kate informs one of the medics that Trapp just had lunch with President. Gasp! BSSG and doctor medic are off, with BSSG ordering Kate as he leaves to stay with the football. She skitters over to Trapp's seat and moves it out of harms way. The medics continue to work on Trapp as dramatic strings play and we cut to Kate looking anxious as finally cut to the credits.

Gosh, that was exciting.

The credits are depressingly mellow in the pilot, minus the drumbeat that makes me dance on the couch. Shots of Mark Harmon, Sasha Alexander, Michael Weatherley, Pauley Perrette and David McCallum. Aw, Ducky.

Gibbs' basement. A coffee mug rests on a wooden frame as the shot widens to reveal Gibbs working on his boat. A phone rings, interrupting this very manly activity. Tony informs Gibbs that a Navy Commander carrying the football on Air Force One just "carked in the air." Nice. Tony goes on to tell Gibbs that they landed in Wichita, which Tony kindly informs the non-American viewers is in Kansas. Thanks sweetie. He continues that "Gee Dub" has transferred onto a back up plane and that Tony has booked them onto a flight out of Reagan. The flight will make a stop in Dallas. Gibbs snarks about this, and Tony reminds him that it's Saturday, and wishes they had their own jet. Gibbs cuts him off, saying that Ducky is friends with coroners all over the place, and should be able to get the relevant coroner to hold the body for them until they arrive. Gibbs bolts from the basement, as the television shows a newsflash about Air Force One stopping in Wichita, but apparently the media doesn't seem to know about the death of the Commander.

Airport. Tony bitches about the various law enforcement departments who have their own jet, calling it embarrassing. Gibbs basically tells him to cram it. He tells the security guy they are LEOs. The security guy tells them he's a Capricorn. Ha, ha. Not. Tony hands over his ID, pointing out that LEO is an acronym for law enforcement officer as the security guy regards him dubiously. Gibbs snarks that Dennis, for that is his name, must be new at this. Dennis confirms that it's his first week, and tells them he's never heard of NCIS. Gibbs tells Tony that that's embarrassing. Dennis asks if NCIS is anything like CSI. Is that supposed to be meta? Tony responds, "only if you're dyslexic." Snerk. Dennis tells them they can go around the metal detector, but their bags have to go through the scanner. Gibbs is incredulous that they can take their weapons on board the plane, but their bags must be scanned. Dennis spouts some nonsense about permits as Ducky shows up to put an end to this nonsense, telling Dennis that the bags are his. Dennis is all, you should have said you were schlepping for the doc - he has a permit for the bags. Tony rolls his eyes and stares at Gibbs all, dude I can't believe this crap. Ducky barks at them to move it along.

Air Force One. Night has fallen. There are cop cars all over the place. Inside the plane, the Wichita ME is telling the FBI to get stuffed, as the body is in his jurisdiction. No-one is moving the body until the ME says they can. I guess he's pretending he's not the ME, and is holding the body for Ducky. Also, his name is Elmo, which cracks me up. Or it could be the vodka. Anyway, Fornell (yay, Fornell!) snits that the ME's jurisdiction doesn't trump his on Air Force One. Kate interrupts to inform them that, upon the departure of the President, the plane is actually no longer Air Force One. Fornell snits at her to stay out of the pissing contest, since with the President off the plane, it's not a Secret Service problem. Kate replies that it could be a natural death, or a botched assassination. Until they know which, it damn well is her problem. The ME interrupts them before they get into the hairpulling, reiterating that they can't move the body until the ME says they can. Upon cue, Ducky arrives, greeting Elmo, who asks how he liked some steaks he sent him. Fornell is confused about Elmo air expressing steaks. Kate informs him that it's a big state, noting how long it took Ducky to get there. This exchange serves no purpose other than to show that Ducky's ruse is working. Elmo informs Ducky that the FBI and Secret Service are fighting over the body "like two hounds over a T-bone" as he leans down to examine Trapp's body. Gibbs helpfully notes that all the extra personnel are contaminating the crime scene, prompting Ducky to tell everyone who boarded in Wichita to bugger off, like, now. Fornell refuses to leave, and Kate notes that she flew in on the plane. Ducky consents to them staying, but orders everyone else off. Elmo asks Ducky what he thinks. Ducky notes that there is no outward sign of trauma. Kate notes that he fell ill after having lunch with the President. Tony asks how he is. Kate says he's fine and that he's flown on to LA. Gibbs wants to know what happened. Kate describes Trapp's symptoms. Ducky wants to know if it was a gradual or sudden collapse. Sudden, Kate says. They believed he had a stroke. Tony notes that he's "kinda young for a brain fart." Ducky notes that it looks like a natural death, and says that the FBI can leave with the body if they sign a release. Fornell and Kate agree to work out jurisdiction later, and head off to take care of the paperwork. Kate lingers to overhear Elmo ask Ducky about some soft shell crabs. Ducky assures Elmo that he'll have them by the weekend. Elmo is pleased. This exchange serves no real purpose other than to provide Kate a clue that something's up. Once they are alone, Gibbs sends Tony off to order the pilot to take off. As Tony leaves, Gibbs asks if Ducky enjoyed playing his boss. Ducky grins that he did. Gibbs wants to know what Ducky thinks happened to Trapp. Ducky says that he has no idea at this stage. Gibbs notes that Tony is right, and that it is unusual for a naval aviator to be having a stroke at his age. Ducky notes that it could happen, and launches into one of his stories, this one about a "young promising basso profundo" who apparently had a stroke at age 27 during an Otello aria.

At this point, Kate comes bursting back on to the plane, demanding to know who the hell they are. Oops. Busted! Gibbs identifies himself and Kate bitches about the FBI and NCIS trying to muscle in on her. Gibbs and Kate argue a little over jurisdiction, until Gibbs offers to let Kate be on his team. "Your team?" Kate asks disbelievingly. She wants to know why it should be his team. Gibbs points out that she has never worked a crime scene. Kate snits that she earned her jock strap. Gibbs snarks that it must have an "empty feeling." Heh. Kate glares and responds, "like some species of frogs, [she] grow[s] what [she] need[s]." Atta girl. Gibbs smirks as Tony returns, yelling that the pilot won't take off until he hears from Kate. Kate is smug, until Gibbs threatens to hijack the plane. Kate finally relents. They shake. Fornell chooses this moment to come back up the stairs, but Tony closes the door in his face as the plane taxis down the runway. Fornell throws a fit, races back down the stairs and demands that Elmo tell him that the hell Ducky is doing. Elmo casually says he guesses that Ducky decided to take the body to Washington. Fornell is confused. Elmo tells Fornell that he never said Ducky was his medical examiner, as the plane takes off. Fornell demands to know who Ducky works for, and gets the bad news.

Comms, Not Air Force One. Gibbs is chatting to NCIS Director Morrow, who wants to know if he had literally slam the door in the FBI's face. Gibbs shrugs that they were outnumbered. Morrow wonders why Gibbs didn't try a little interagency cooperation, and Gibbs replies that he got the Secret Service agent in charge to share the investigation. "Willingly?" Morrow asks, disbelievingly. Heh. Gibbs concedes that they could use backup when the plane lands. Morrow is amused, but cannot provide the requested backup. Gibbs warns him that if the FBI gets hold of the body, they will be shut out of the investigation, and Morrow tells him to make sure the FBI don't get the body, then. He wants to know if Kate will stand up to the FBI. Gibbs doesn't know, but says she's got balls. Morrow chuckles.

Meanwhile, Kate is sitting near the body as Ducky gets to it with his liver probe. "Are you starting the autopsy?" she asks, appearing somewhat squicked at the thought. Ducky scoffs gently, stating that he is merely confirming time of death. Kate informs him that their physician declared him dead at "2032 Zulu." Ducky likes to double check. Tony interrupts to move Kate out of his way so that he can make crime scene sketches. Kate wonders what's up with that, as he's already taken photos. Tony smirks and grabs a convenient magazine with a bikini clad girl on the cover, asking Kate to tell him the bikini girl's measurements. Kate glares and calls him pathetic. Tony states that he's serious, asking if Kate rhetorically if she can tell the girl's height and cup size from the picture. That's why they take sketches. Kate rolls her eyes. Meanwhile, Ducky has come up with a different time of death, "1915 Zulu." They squabble about the discrepancy, until Gibbs arrives to break it up. He say's he'll go with Ducky's time of death, and tells Tony to quit with the sketches, as Kate is going to give him the floor plan. Kate refuses. They argue, while Ducky congratulates Tony on his photo analysis. Heh.

Gibbs and Kate pedebitch down the hall, Gibbs asking about Commander Trapp and Kate insisting that she can't give up the floor plan. Gibbs is all, whatever, it was in the Harrison Ford movie. Kate bitches about the difference between the movies and reality, as Gibbs asks if the president's head isn't nearby. Heh. He's getting more and more enthused, insisting that "this was all in the movie!" as they enter the dining room. "Harrison Ford was sitting right here!" Hee. He's cute when he's all fanboy. Kate's still stuck on the plans, worrying about them ending up on the internet. Gibbs snits that NCIS does not leak. Then he offers to let her shoot Tony if they do. She says that she thinks she is destined to shoot Gibbs. No, honey. You're destined to get shot instead of Gibbs. Oops. Spoiler! Gibbs goes back to the topic of Commander Trapp. Kate says she only met him that morning, and that he had only just received his Yankee White clearance. He was Major Kerry's backup, and was only on the plane because Major Kerry has the flu. Gibbs wants verification. Kate insists that he has it, but whatevers that he can go ahead and waste a doctor's time.

They come to a set of doors locked by a security panel. Gibbs exclaims that this is where the terrorists got their weapons in the Air Force One movie, so I presume it's a weapons locker. He futzes with the security panel as Kate scoffs derisively. Gibbs asked who switched planes with the president. Kate says that the press was put on a separate plane, and everyone else was put on the back up plane, except for three stewards who she has kept here in the press cabin. Gibbs wants to know why. Kate snots that she might not know about the finer points of investigation, but that she knows enough to hold the stewards who prepared and served the suspect meal. Gibbs shoots her down with "rule number 1: never leave suspects together." Heh. He then tosses her a pair of gloves. Kate is confused, for her prints are already all over the place. "Rule number 2: always wear gloves at a crime scene," Gibbs tells her.

Meanwhile, Ducky has come up with the reason for the discrepancy with the time of death. He's worked out that the physician checked "Dubya" before returning to Trapp, and since Trapp died almost instantly, there's your reason. Kate apologises, and Ducky charmingly forgives her, saying he's relieved they worked it out. He says that it's inconsistencies like this that start conspiracy theories, and is about to launch into a story before Gibbs cuts him off, leading Kate off down another hallway. "Rule number 3: don't believe what you're told. Double check everything," he Yodas at her as they head into the President's office. Kate snarks about writing the rules in her palm pilot or crocheting them on her pillow, as we see Tony at the President's desk, futzing with the telephone. Kate protests, and Gibbs orders Tony off to start bagging and tagging the various leftovers. Gibbs gives Kate a lesson in bagging and tagging, chain of evidence, blah blah blah. Kate begins to look nauseous. Gibbs finishes up his demonstration and offers to let Kate have a go. She shoots him a look, claps a hand over her mouth and bolts for the bathroom, with Gibbs chasing her and yelling at her to stop. He finally bails her up against the bathroom door, and she hurls into the evidence bag. "Can I rinse now?" she snits. Gibbs gives his assent, and she vanishes into the loo. Tony asks quietly if Gibbs thinks she has whatever killed Trapp. Gibbs gives him a look, tells him to get the barf bag to Ducky, then goes and sits in a nearby chair, sighing, and looks out the window.

Cut to some rally, or something, as BSSG wanders through the crowd, on the phone with Fornell, as we see shots of the real Gee Dub addressing the cheering crowd. Fornell bitches about NCIS doing the autopsy, and disparages their abilities. BSSG agrees to let the FBI take over the investigation, and says that he'll order Kate to turn the body over at Andrews but he can't control NCIS. Fornell gloats that with FBI and the Secret Service "joined at the hip, all they can do is watch and bitch." He hangs up and crows to his unseen companion that they're back in the ballgame.

Not Air Force One. Ducky examines Kate, noting that she doesn't have a temperature. He tells her that it's probably just a stomach virus. She sighs that she knows it is. She wonders if he "use[d] that thermometer on cadavers." Heh. Ducky asks if she would rather he used the liver probe. Gibbs wants to know why she is so sure she has a stomach virus. She says it's because it's what Major Kerry had. Ducky asks if she's worked with him recently. Kate pointedly tells him no. Ducky, getting it: "Ah." Heh. Kate cracks a joke about Ducky thinking she was a virgin. "I'd hoped not," Ducky replies. Um. What? She and Ducky share a chuckle, and Ducky gets up and wanders off, leaving Gibbs to stare disapprovingly at Kate. She asks if she's going to get a lecture about sleeping with co-workers. Nope, says Gibbs, continuing the Disapproving Stare. That Disapproving Stare is going to come back to smack you in the teeth in the third season, Gibbs, so you and your Disapproving Stare can just shut the hell up. Oops. Spoiler! Anyway, Kate gets a message over the PA that BSSG is on the line. Gibbs offers to take the call for her, but she gets up, shooting him her "tough guy" stare, and tells him she'd have to be dead. She wanders off as Gibbs chuckles at her moxie, or something.

President's office, Not Air Force One. Tony is interrogating the Chief Steward. He finishes up as Gibbs wanders in to use the head. He expositions to Gibbs about food security and purchasing procedures, as Ducky enters. Tony gestures to him with a camera as he continues to chat to Gibbs about the food. He takes a photo of Ducky sitting in the President's chair, looking solemn and all, uh, presidenty. They quickly swap places and Ducky takes Tony's picture. Incidentally, Tony reveals that they had ribs and coleslaw, so I'm guessing that "baby backs" is actually ribs. Thanks, Tony! Apparently since the ribs were flown in, they were only reheated and served, so the food is not likely to be the culprit. They finish up with Tony once again sitting holding his notebook looking innocent as Gibbs emerges from the head. "If you two are through taking pictures of each other, maybe we could move that body out," Gibbs tells them as he strides from the room. Ducky and Tony shoot each other startled looks as we see the first demonstration of Gibbs Sees All.

Comms, Not Air Force One. Kate is being ordered by BSSG to turn the body over to the FBI upon landing. She protests, but BSSG snaps that if she doesn't obey his orders, the only presidential detail she will get will be "walking Spotty." Kate sighs.

Staircase, Not Air Force One. Kate trots down the stairs and notices the body is missing. Gibbs professes ignorance. They both chuckle. Kate wonders if they moved it to the aft ramp for a quick getaway. Gibbs smirks, and tips his coffee cup at her. Kate regretfully tells him it won't work. "I've been ordered to turn the body over to the FBI at Andrews." Gibbs shrugs and suggests hopefully that Kate could stall them until NCIS have a chance to get away with the body. Kate can't; she won't defy a direct order. She says she's sorry. "Never say you're sorry," Gibbs responds automatically. He grins and tells her she needn't worry about crocheting that one. Kate smiles as the pilot tells them to fasten their seatbelts, and we cut to an exterior shot of Not Air Force One coming in to land.

Roadway. Fornell's Flunky asks why he let NCIS take the evidence they bagged on the plane. Fornell smirks that it didn't hurt to give them something to save face, and that it doesn't matter - the president clearly wasn't poisoned, so what good is the bagged food evidence anyway. A phone rings. The agents ascertain that the phone belongs to neither of them, as we hear Tony whisper "Hello?" Hee. Gibbs tells him they're in the clear and that he can get out of the body bag. Can you breathe in one of those things? The car slams to a stop, as Tony says he's not sure he wants to. Heh. Gibbs tells him he has to search Commander Trapp's apartment that night. Tony protests that it's 1:00 am. Gibbs says that "Agent Axelrod" (hee!) is trailing the FBI's car to pick up the body bag when the FBI tosses it. Tony snits "that's funny Gibbs" as we see a pair of hands reach for the bag and hear Tony yelling. Gibbs hangs up and sings "I guess they found him." Ducky laughs from the back of the van.

MTAC. Morrow is chatting to the director of the FBI and BSSG. They hiss and spit and piss at each other, but Morrow wins the measuring contest when he notes that his agent succeeded in carrying out his orders, and suggests that they share the investigation - with NCIS in charge. FBI Director and BSSG assent. Morrow smirks triumphantly.

Morgue. Ducky's cute assistant, Gerald, expositions that he found Abby and she's on her way in. Apparently she was at "one phat party." Gerald smirks and walks off with Trapp's clothes. Gibbs is bemused. He turns to Ducky, asking if he's found anything yet. Nope, and not for some time yet. He's just begun examining the body for needle marks. Gibbs wonders if someone injected him. Ducky doesn't know, and says that he's sent Trapp's uniform up to Abby. So now we know where Gerald went. Gibbs bends over and stares at the body. Ducky tells him to go home and get some sleep, as the examination will take all night. Gibbs grabs a head rest and lies down on an autopsy table. He sleepily wonders why Abby would go to a "phat party." Ducky rolls his eyes, turns out the overhead light and tells Gibbs to get some sleep. He goes back to Trapp's body and continues his exam.

Lab. We see Abby going over Trapp's uniform with a blue light. Tony comes in and wants to know if she's found anything. Not yet, states Abby. Her voice is much deeper here than in later seasons. Hmm. Tony goes to put a box down on her bench, and tells her he thinks he knows how the Commander was poisoned. He expositions that Trapp was majorly into vitamins, supplements and organic food. He's convinced that if he was poisoned, one of the items in the box is the culprit. Which means it totally isn't. Abby wonders what Tony's going to do while she checks. Tony says he'll wait. Abby tells him there's a futon in her office, and Tony gratefully thanks her. Aw. Tony lies down, groaning happily.

Squad Room. Ducky is expositing about the autopsy results, with a picture of Trapp's brain on the plasma. That's a nice TV, y'all. He says that Trapp had a cerebral embolism in the parietal lobe. There were also a number of clots in the renal artery. Kate and Fornell are also there. Fornell is scowling. Heh. Kate asks if that's unusual. Ducky explains that it's not, as in most cases of arterial thrombosis, clots will develop over a period of minutes or hours and spread to other parts of the body. Gibbs wants to know what would cause them in a "healthy young aviator." Ducky cedes the floor to Abby, who says she did a fibrinogen test. The procoagulant numbers were high, but not off the charts. Fornell asks about drugs, but Abby says none of the drugs that could induce clotting showed up. There was only epinephrine, which was injected when he fell ill on the plane. She also says that none of the vitamins Tony found would have caused it. Kate wants to know if she tested the food on Air Force One. Abby did, but it was negative for toxins. She does go on about how unhealthy it is, and suggests that the Secret Service should protect the president from his diet. Gibbs smirks at this. Fornell confirms that the results say it wasn't murder. Ducky confirms that it was apparently a natural death. Fornell says he wants to double check the results. Ducky assures Fornell and Kate that copies of his report will be made available to both of them. Fornell leaves, snarking an aside to Tony about his butt. "Still bouncing off the beltway," Tony replies. Heh. Gibbs offers Kate some gum on her way out. Kate does a slight double take but accepts. Gibbs wonders when the president is returning to Washington. Kate says tomorrow, and that she's flying out tonight to rejoin the detail. Gibbs wants to tag along. Kate mulls it over, and Gibbs pleads "pleeease" in the manner of a five year old sweet talking for lollies. Heh. Kate decides that he can, but he can't bring his gun. "No weapons on Air Force One unless you're Secret Service." Gibbs thinks this over, then pulls off his gun and stows it in his desk. Keep looking, he tells Ducky, as he follows Kate out. Abby is shocked that Gibbs said please. Heh.

Bar. "Tim," who is also known as Major Kerry, toasts Commander Trapp with beer. Mmm. Beer. He blathers about Trapp coming through the war without a scratch, then dying of a stroke. Yeah. Bummer. Kate is surprised that Major Kerry knew Trapp. Major Kerry says he had a drink with Trapp when he came to the White House, and gave him tips on local dry cleaners, gyms, bars, grocery mart, bars and so on. Kate asks if he told Trapp about "this place." No, says Major Kerry. Trapp might have run into them, and that would be bad. Kate agrees. Major Kerry is perceptive enough to notice Kate's change in demeanour here, and asks if Trapp would have run into them after today. Kate proceeds to dump him. He takes it well, asking if she's worried about losing her job. No, a president, says Kate. She finds working with him a distraction, and she can't afford that. Major Kerry grimaces.

Outside, Major Kerry walks Kate to her car. He even gets her door for her. Aw. She smiles at him and drives away. Major Kerry hops into his convertible, looking rather sweaty and pasty. He groans and suddenly has a fit, collapsing.

So, I'm to assume Gibbs went home to pack during all this? Whatever.

Air Force One. Repeat of "Dubya" heading up the stairs, and chatting to folks in the plane. He greets BSSG and congratulates him on job well done, suggesting that it's time they headed home. He wanders off to his office, as Kate expresses her surprise to BSSG that he allowed Gibbs on the plane. BSSG asks Kate if Gibbs is "here because his gut is still churning." Kate allows that he is. "Well so is mine," says BSSG, turning to follow "Gee Dub" down to his office. Kate looks worried.

Lab. Abby bitches to Ducky that she has tested for everything and has drawn a blank. Ducky consoles her that "nature always proves to be a far more elusive and powerful killer than man." Abby gets thinky face.

Air Force One. People are having lunch, as Gibbs stares down the hall at the guy with the football. Kate wonders if Gibbs is expecting him to drop. Gibbs notes her appetite has returned. Kate tells him it was a 24 hour bug, and that Major Kerry got over it yesterday. She goes on to tell him that she met Major Kerry for a drink yesterday and that they broke up. She babbles that they hadn't been dating long anyway, but that they had known each other for a couple of months beforehand, and how is she supposed to meet people when she's on the job 24/7?. Gibbs just stares at her and replies, "Church." Heh.

Lab. Abby is testing various natural toxins. Pufferfish? Not it.

Air Force One. BSSG tells a journalist that she can go see the President, and leads her off down the hall. Gibbs watches them go, and gets up to stare after them thoughtfully. He asks where they are going. Kate explained that the President had promised them each 10 minutes, and that he's playing catch up since Wichita. Gibbs, still on his Harrison Ford kick, tells her that three years before 9/11, Tom Clancy wrote a book where a terrorist hijacked a plane and crashed it into the Capitol. In the Harrison Ford movie, he notes, the terrorists are reporters. Kate scoffs that all of the reporters have been vetted for years by the Secret Service, and that Gibbs is the only one not vetted by them. Gibbs retorts that in the movie, the terrorist got his clearance from a Secret Service turncoat. He stalks off down the hall as Kate rolls her eyes and sighs. A journalist, Leonard, wanders up to Kate and snarks about Gibbs not being dressed like a Secret Service agent. Kate snippily informs him that Gibbs isn't a Secret Service agent, and herds Leonard back into the press cabin.

Lab. Abby looking bored. Poison Arrow Frog? Not it.

Outside the bar, Tony drives up to where Major Kerry lies dead in his car. He introduces himself to the cute black cop on the scene. CBC tells Tony that there are no signs of trauma and that it doesn't appear to be a robbery. He bitches that he already has two shootings to deal with, and when he saw the victim was a navy guy he hoped that NCIS might take over. Tony checks the ID and notes the victim's identity with some alarm. "Yeah, we'll take him," he says, wrinkling his brow. Dun!

Lab. Abby looking comatose. But then! The computer beeps, indicating a match. Taipan? It! Abby does a victory dance, thanking an imaginary cheering crowd.

Air Force One. Gibbs, still with the churning gut, notes there is something different about this plane from Air Force One. Kate reminds him this is Air Force One. Gibbs whatevers, as BSSG conspicuously calls Leonard for his turn with the President. Kate tells Gibbs there are some minor differences. The other plane is newer and has some minor updates. Leonard emerges from the press cabin, shoots Gibbs and Kate A Look as he struggles into his jacket, and scurries off after BSSG. What differences, Gibbs wants to know. Kate sighs but humours him. The rear loading hatch is bigger on the other plane, extra lavatory forward, and locks are digital and keyed on this plane. The pilot chooses this moment to summon Gibbs to Comms for a teleconference. As he leaves, Gibbs tells Kate he wants to know every single difference between the two planes, no matter how minor.

Comms, Air Force One. Tony informs Gibbs of Major Kerry's death, and expositions on where he was found, telling him that Ducky and Abby have the details. Gibbs asks Ducky if it was another stroke. Ducky confirms this, adding that this time there were multiple embolic infarctions and noting that the Major must have received a higher dose than the Commander. Dose of what? Abby cuts in to tell him it was venom from a Coastal Taipan, "a highly toxic Aussie snake." She goes on to describe the effects of taipan venom, saying that it "zaps" the nervous system and clots the blood, causing the symptoms we've been seeing tonight - convulsions and stroke. Ducky jumps in, saying that the toxin is almost impossible to detect. Tony ruefully admits that Abby would have already detected it if he hadn't interrupted her way back when he barged in on her ALSing the Commander's uniform. Abby says she found traces of DMSO in the collars and the cuffs. Apparently when mixed with the venom it absorbs through skin. Okay, then. Tony says that Major Kerry was the intended victim, but he had the flu, and so didn't put on his uniform until yesterday. Gibbs wants to know how the poison got into the uniforms. Abby tells him they shared the same dry cleaner. Gibbs barks at Tony to go hit the dry cleaners. Morrow interrupts, telling him that the FBI have been sent to do that, as this has "all the ear-marks of Al-Qaeda." They wonder what the goal is. Tony suggests that they want to brag about offing the President's "ball carriers." Heh. I’m five. Morrow thinks not. Gibbs agrees, and ends the call.

Gibbs comes bounding down the stairs, and questions the current holder of the football about where he gets his uniform dry cleaned. Once he hears that it was not the same dry cleaner as the Major Kerry and Commander Trapp, Gibbs hauls ass off down hallway. He runs into Kate, who tells him she has accessed everything she could on the differences between the two planes. Gibbs tells her he needs to talk to her, and upon being informed there really isn't anywhere private, hurls her laptop into a nearby chair and drags her into the bathroom. The ball carrier (heh) looks on, puzzled.

Bathroom, Air Force One. Gibbs growls at Kate to sit, snatching her gun as he does so. Kate protests as Gibbs points the gun at her and glares. Commander Trapp was poisoned, he tells her, expositing about the snake venom. Kate looks bewildered. Does Gibbs think she did it, she asks. He says that she was with the Commander when he was poisoned. Kate bitches that the president was also with Trapp, does Gibbs plan to accuse him too? No, Gibbs replies, since the President was not with Major Kerry yesterday. Kate's all, the what? In the who? Yeah, Gibbs says. He stroked on a Georgetown street. Right near that bar where you two "kissed and said bye-bye." Heh. Gibbs is such a bitch. Kate's face crumples and she girly-slaps his chest. Geez Kate. You're a Secret Service agent! Surely you can do better than that? Kate bursts into tears and calls Gibbs and asshole. Eventually she calms down. She sniffles as, by way of apology, Gibbs explains that he "gave it to [her] cold, wanted to see [her] reaction. Liars can't pale on cue." Um, Gibbs? Neither can she. I'm just sayin'. Gibbs gives Kate her gun back. She calls him a bastard, then asks how Trapp and Kerry were poisoned. Gibbs explains about the dry cleaners and how they think a sleeper agent for Al-Qaeda is involved. Kate remembers that Major Kerry had recommended dry cleaners to Trapp. Gibbs wonders what they're after, and asks what killing the ball carriers (hee) gets them. Nothing, Kate says. Another aide steps in. Realisation starts to dawn on Gibbs: "And another plane. This plane." Kate says that security is exactly the same on this plane. But the plane isn't, says Gibbs, and the security probably isn't either until the President boards. The terrorists must have planted something. Clearly it can't be a bomb, Kate says, or it would have detonated by now. Gibbs and Kate make thinky faces.

Press cabin, Air Force One. Some journalist dude starts having a seizure and everyone freaks. Secret Service agents notify via their wristpieces of a medical emergency in the press cabin. BSSG is escorting Leonard back to the press cabin, and bolts on ahead. Medics swarm around the dead guy as Leonard watches in the background. Leonard peers down the hall behind him, then turns and walks over to the gun locker, unlocking it with his handy key. He snatches some kind of automatic gun and some ammo. What? Like I know from guns.

Bathroom, Air Force One. Kate is telling Gibbs that this plane has keys, not digital locks. The armoury, Gibbs realises. They have keys to the armoury! We know, Gibbs. Pay attention. Gibbs continues, saying they copied the movie and vetted a reporter. Kate protests that that would take years. So did 9/11, says Gibbs, as Kate is all, "Shit!" Heh.

Hallway, Air Force One. Leonard ducks behind a door as Gibbs and Kate emerge. Kate learns that there is a medical emergency in the press cabin. Gibbs rightly tells her that it's a diversion, and orders her to cover the President. They run off in separate directions, Kate telling ball carrier not to let anyone past him. He stands up and walks forward a little ways, peering down the hall.

Meanwhile, Gibbs runs past the doorway Leonard is lurking behind. He goes to the armoury and, finding it unlocked, helps himself to a weapon. Leonard heads off and approaches ball carrier, who tells him to stop. Leonard, coming closer, pretends to want to know what's happening. Suddenly, Gibbs yells "Freeze!" from behind. Leonard gets cranky face and pauses. Gibbs commands him to get his hands in the air. Leonard pretends to comply, and turns and fires at Gibbs, missing him completely. Heh. Gibbs shoots once, hitting him in the chest. Leonard hilariously drops on his ass, legs splayed, gun still firing for a moment. Gibbs shoots again, and Leonard slumps back, dead. Kate cautiously emerges from the President's office. Gibbs hands Kate the gun, as she stares at him all shocked.

Air Force One, night. BSSG complains that he will be doing paperwork for a week. Gibbs commiserates. BSSG continues, saying that Kate told him about her and Major Kerry when she tendered her resignation. Gibbs looks surprised, asking him "you accepting?" Of course, says BSSG. She broke the rules. He thanks Gibbs and they shake. "No sir, thank you," Gibbs smirks, knowing he's about to get a new employee, and leaves the plane.

Tarmac. Gibbs scurries after Kate, saying he heard she quit. She confirms, saying it was the right thing to do. Yep, Gibbs agrees. He tells her if she pulls that crap at NCIS, she won't get a chance to resign. Kate is confused, yelling after him, "Is that a job offer?" Gibbs does not respond, he has scurried on ahead and into a convertible driven by a mystery red haired woman. Kate looks after him, slightly open mouthed.

Gibbs' basement. The television shows Fornell on the news, taking credit for stopping the terrorist attack. Gibbs is working on his boat. Theme music plays as Gibbs blows on his boat and we fade to black.

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